Funny Quotes 18

"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted".
There was another sign below it that said "self service".
So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave
myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
-- Steven Wright

"If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job
if he was any smarter."
-- Albert A. Grant

The genius of Americans is that they never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing.
- Gamal Abdel Nassar

"The trick for keeping your baby from crying on the plane is
to come up with a new activity each time the baby gets
bored. A standard baby gets bored every 15 seconds, so on a
four-hour flight, you, as a parent, need to come up with 960
different activities."
- Dave Barry

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why
advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
- Yakov Smirnoff

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
-- Steven Wright

"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
-- Billie Burke

Life is a never-ending series of trials.
The best we can do is wear a tie
and hope the judge shows leniency.
(Nick Leggatt)

"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no
pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the
geriatric ward."
-- John Mortimer

If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No! Not the nails
again! Not the hammer! NOT THE HAMMER!!!!

If you ever have a day when it feels
like a woodpecker is flying around in
your head, take my word that rat poison
is only going to excite him more.
(Dave Brennan)

"I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only
like the red part. Our Christmas tree has all these white
things hanging on it."
- Steven Wright

"We have probed the earth, excavated it, burned it, ripped things
from it, buried things in it. ...That does not fit my definition of
a good tenant. If we were here on a month-to-month basis, we would
have been evicted long ago."
-- Rose Elizabeth Bird, former California Chief Justice