Funny Quotes 20

"I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a
form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence
the demographics one way or another."
- Steven Wright

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it.
Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold
it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any.
Thanks for watching. Goodbye.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be
hot today, I don't understand!'"
- Steven Wright

With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem
to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do
those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I
wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come
over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to
super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of
felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet
the President.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"For Christmas I bought my brother a combination fax machine and
paper shredder. Either we hooked it up wrong or a lot of people
are faxing him confetti."
- Anthony Clarke

Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
~George Carlin

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on
my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you
what FM stands for.
-- Jasper Carrott

"Ah -- love -- the walks over soft grass, the smiles over
candlelight, the arguments over just about everything else."
---Max Headroom

Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this
thing?"

This cold weather is really something. The bathroom in our
hotel room was equipped with hot and cold running ice cubes.

If you want truly to understand something, try to change it.
-- Kurt Lewin

Frustration is when the same snow that covers the ski slopes makes the roads to get there impassable.
-- James Holt McGavran

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
--Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict

Show me a man with his held high, and I'll show you a man who can't get used to bifocals.
-- Morse Telegraph Newsletter