Funny Quotes 29

Wouldn't one or two anal probes tell
aliens everything they need to know about
that particular facet of human physiology?
Maybe their ships run on methane
and they're just re-fueling.
(Kevin Wickart)

My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than
sitting doing nothing.
---Max Kauffmann

The Bureau of Standards says that the electron is the fastest
thing in the world.
"Obviously they haven't conducted a study in how fast luggage
goes missing once its put on the conveyor belt at the airport
check in."

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for
telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you
hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the
phone you hear a radio station?

"Standing on head makes smile of frown,
but rest of face also upside down."
--- Fortune cookie

"What is causing this traffic congestion? According to a
report from the U.S. Department of Transportation, which
recently completed a six-year, $187.3 million study of the
problem, the root cause is, quote, 'a whole lot of people
driving.'"
- Dave Barry

"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the
wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their
wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It
was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just
WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded
boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the
boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of
breakthroughs that ultimately led to television."
- Dave Barry

You can fool too many people too much of the time.
James Thurber

If a man is after money, he's money mad; if he keeps it,
he's a capitalist; if he spends it, he's a playboy; if he
doesn't get it, he's a never-do-well; if he doesn't try to
get it, he lacks ambition. If he gets it without working for
it; he's a parasite; and if he accumulates it after a life
time of hard work, people call him a fool who never got
anything out of life.
-- Vic Oliver

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed.
-- Peter Sellers

"Seeing as getting thrown around the place is a daily
occurrence on the Starship Enterprise, how come they never
put any seatbelts in?"
- Unknown