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| Mostly Funny Quotes 33 |
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| Stuff |
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| If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going. -- Professor Irwin Corey "I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time." - Steven Wright "I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, 'Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'" - Steven Wright 'An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." ' Lincoln studied by the light of a fireplace. Mozart composed by candlelight. Galileo invented by oil lamp. Didn't they ever think to do their work during the daytime? ---Jersey Tomato "Don't ya just hate it when you see one of those road signs that says 'Draw Bridge Ahead' and you don't have a pencil." - Unknown Last night I looked up at the stars and planets gleaming in the heavens above me, and I was suddenly struck by the multitude of them and how they stretched endlessly across the dark, and as I slowly drifted off to sleep, I wondered to myself how the hell I was going to get all those damn stickers off the ceiling. (Dory S.) "I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave." - Rodney Dangerfield "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Steven Wright Sure the pen is mightier than the sword, but only because you can get it through metal detectors. - Mike Hayward "I saw something stupid in the paper today a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It’s for people who don’t like loud noises, instead it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those it’s called a window." - Jay Leno "I did the traffic at a very very small-town radio station. The whole report was one sentence: "The light is green." ---Jim Patterson |