Funny Quotes 41

What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Well, if you do it really fast,
it's kind of a "whooshing" noise.
(Lev L. Spiro)

"Waking up in the morning would be a whole lot easier if it
involved flopping into bed, burying my head into my pillow,
and closing my eyes."
- Jeffery D. Trock

Sometimes I wish I was what I was when I wished I was what I am
now. -- Unknown

It's important to watch what you eat.
Otherwise, how are you going
to get it into your mouth?
(Matt Diamond)

"News from the world of science: physicists say for the
first time in history they have been able to stop light.
Big deal. Southern California Edison has been doing that
for the past 3 weeks."
- Jay Leno

"I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
understand it."
~Queen Juliana of the Netherlands

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three."
~Alice Kahn

"I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it."
~Garrison Keillor

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to make out the numbers.
(Steven Wright)

There aren't enough days in the weekend.
(Steven Wright)

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
(Jean-Paul Sartre)

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
-- Jay Leno

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
-- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
(Steven Wright)

I can only do one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.
(Ashleigh Brilliant)

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
(Steven Wright)