Funny Quotes 42

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
(Steven Wright)

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
(Steven Wright)

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
(Steven Wright)

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in by body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
(Emo Phillips)

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
(Steven Wright)

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
(Steven Wright)

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
(Steven Wright)

The sky already fell. Now what?
(Steven Wright)

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
(Steven Wright)

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
(Steven Wright)

"The NBA's Washington Bullets will be changing their name to
avoid being associated with an image of crime. So from now
on, they're just going to be known as the Bullets."
- Jay Leno

What is mind? It doesn't matter. What is matter? Never mind.
(Homer Simpson)

A golf ball will always travel furthest when hit in the wrong direction.
~~Henry Beard

I had no intention of giving her my vital statistics. "Let
me put it this way," I said. "According to my girth, I should
be a ninety-foot redwood." --Erma Bombeck

The trick is to stop thinking of it as 'your' money.
-Revenue Auditor

The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.
~~Eugene McCarthy

"I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong -- highlighting with a black magic marker."
-Jeff Altman