Funny Quotes 43

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag.
That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say
you have some money left in your bank account after paying
taxes. That's a red flag."
- Jay Leno

Some days you're a bug, some days you're a windshield.
-- Price Cobb

You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice: There's always like
18% that say 'I don't know'. It costs 90 cents to call up
and vote... They're voting 'I don't know'. Honey, I feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I
DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes
you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about.
-- Andy Rooney

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."
Mary Ellen Kelly

"It was this week in 1860, the first Pony Express mail was
delivered. It took 3 weeks to get the mail across the
country, half the mail was lost, and every postal worker
carried a rifle. So basically, nothing’s changed."
- Jay Leno

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
-- Mark Twain

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
-- Bob Hope

Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you
didn't.
-- Erica Jong

If you want my final opinion on the mystery of life and all that, I can
give it to you in a nutshell. The universe is like a safe to which there is
a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe. ~~Peter De
Vries

"What it comes down to is, when you enter the world you have nothing,
when you leave you have nothing and in between there's the IRS."
-Bob Thaves

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
~Gloria Steinem

Isn't it appropriate that the month when the taxes are due begins
with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!" ?

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.
(Ashleigh Brilliant)

I had a fortune cookie the other day
and it said, "Outlook not so good."
I said, "Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway."
(Tom Singer)