Funny Quotes 44

I have a bumper sticker that says,
"Don't honk if you can't read this."
Everywhere I drive, I leave
confused people in my wake.
(Craig Tanis)

After a flurry of program changes at work, a hand-lettered sign
appeared on one desk. It read, "If consistency is the
hobgoblin of little minds, only geniuses work here."

"No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks
like."
- George Carlin

"For quality entertainment, you can't beat TV commercials
for large investment institutions. They all have the same
message, which is: 'These are scary times for investors, so
GIVE US YOUR MONEY! You can trust us, because we have a
large building.'"
- Dave Barry

He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch.
-- Unknown

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
-Ashleigh Brilliant

"Look at my new watch," said one person to another. "This here shows what time it is now. And when you push this little button, you can see what time it was at this exact time yesterday."

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
-- Ronnie Shakes

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married in the U.S. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

"The next time somebody tells you, 'Go to Hell,' you reply, 'Run your own DAMN errands.'"

"The answer is Chocolate ... The question is irrelevant!"
LL Gray

I just bought a rather unusual tree. Twenty-four feet high, cost a
fortune. It's a bonsai sequoia.

You know what's a great exercise? Weight lifting!
Well, it's not really the weight lifting. It's the running around you do
when you drop one on your foot.

"Microsoft is a cross between The Borg and the Ferengi. Unfortunately
they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their
programming."
~ Simon Oke