Funny Quotes 47

"On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten."
-Anon

"Democracy is two wolves & 1 sheep voting on what's for dinner.
A Constitutional Republic: Voting on dinner is expressly forbidden, and the sheep are armed."

"The biggest lie in life used to be 'The check is in the mail.' Now it's 'Push here to open'." -- Gerald Dunn

"Smile, they said, life could be worse. So I did and it was." -- Graffiti

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it." -- John W. Raper

"That money talks / I'll not deny, / I heard it once: / It said, 'Goodbye.' " --Richard Armour

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts the moment you get
up and doesn't stop until you get into the office."
- Robert Frost

I don't care how much you and your cat
love each other, if you were one inch
smaller than the sweet little kitty,
he'd eat you in a heartbeat.
(Christopher Ames)

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease
that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect,
and there is no known cure.
Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
--George Carlin

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll
just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.

Newspapers have roughly the same relationship to life as
fortune-tellers to metaphysics.
- Karl Kraus

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn
anything from history.
-- George Bernard Shaw

"Don't invest all your money in just one or two stocks.
That's the danger. I know a man who put all his money in
just two stocks, a paper-towel company and a revolving-door
outfit. He was wiped out before he could turn around."
- Dave Astor

"Is it possible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee any-
more in this country? What happened with coffee? Did I miss
a meeting? They have every other flavor but coffee-flavored
coffee. They have mochaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino, al
pacino... Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup."
--Denis Leary