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| Mostly Funny Quotes 5 |
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| Stuff |
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| "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield. I was driving down the highway, and I'm swerving all over, coz I'm trying to change the radio. And just as I get the old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me, 'Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo'. Well, I shouldn't make fun of his speech impediment. He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do. Then he asks me 'You call that a straight line?' Well, I should have said, I SHOULD have said "Yes." But I was nervous and the only thing I could think of was: "Well Officer Pythagoras, the closest you'll ever come to a straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your own brain-wave." ---Emo Philips "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome." - Isaac Asimov "I can remember things from years ago, but I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning. Wait a minute... I forgot to have breakfast this morning!" -- Steven Wright "A true friend is one who thinks you're still a good egg even though you're half-cracked." "Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working." "I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy. -- Steven Wright " For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out." -- Steven Wright "When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped." - Marcel Achard "Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." - Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle "Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates..." - Anonymous "After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history." - Bits & Pieces "I went to a general store. But they wouldn't let me buy anything specific." Stephen Wright "Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop." - Definitions, Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary |