Funny Quotes 51

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-Albert Einstein

"Reality" is the only word in the English language that should always be used in quotes.

You don't understand. My brain consists of large, snowy mountains, and you just caused an avalanche."
-David Rodriguez

I like having a machine called 'Elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping Elvis' and have it come back with 'Elvis is alive'.
-Carl Shipley

What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always gets killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
-Tom Galloway

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to
put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
- Steven Wright

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately,
it's the government.
-- Woody Allen

"No man is an island, but I've met some peninsulas..." - -- Robert Heinlein

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.
-Mark Twain

A black cat crossing your path means the animal is going somewhere.
~Groucho Marx

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
- Jack Handey

A philosophy professor gives a final exam consisting entirely of a
single word: "Why?"
One student answers "Why not?" and receives an
'A'.

The difference between truth and fiction is that fiction has to make sense.
-Mark Twain

Of course the meek will inherit
the earth! Did you think they
were going to take it by force?
(Rob Tierney)

There isn't enough coffee in Columbia to make me a
morning person.
~Kay

I had an argument with my Rice Krispies this morning.
I distinctly heard them say "Snap, Crackle, go to Hell."
-- George Carlin