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| Mostly Funny Quotes 59 |
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| Stuff |
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| Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants. I've heard of people being left handed, but today I heard about someone who was left behind. What's up with that? (Tom Sims) "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer. ---Paula Poundstone "The mayfly only lives one day. And sometimes it rains." Carlin "The IQ and the life expectancy of the average person recently passed each other, going in opposite directions." Carlin They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum. ~~Tallulah Bankhead "The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." - Marty Feldman We're not lost. We're locationally challenged. -- John M. Ford "I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open." -- Steven Wright "I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by." -- Steven Wright Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. --George Burns The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable. - Paul Dean "The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper." -- Smith & Jones A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. -- Bob Hope "Dick Cheney called last week for the construction of new nuclear plants and the swift re-licensing of older plants to increase the power supply. He said the American people have a choice: you can either sit in the dark or you can glow in the dark." - Jay Leno |