| -=Lily's Seventh Year; Chapter Nine=- |
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| She’d have to show up in dress robes. Most likely she would have to fix her hair and do something to her face. She’d have to dance. To dance formally. Well, maybe. And, to top that all off, she’d be stuffed into a corset—well, that probably would be the least horrific of all. She liked corsets; she’d wear them every day if they’d been part of the school uniform, which they weren’t. Still, Lily couldn’t help feeling a little apprehensive about this. The giggling girls all over Hogwarts didn’t help, either. Shrill laughter could be heard from every corner of the blasted castle every time a boy asked to talk to a girl, even though it might just be about dusting fruit flies. They were excitedly comparing notes on what they were going to wear, how they’d do their hair, the makeup they’d wear… Lily felt oddly like someone that didn’t really exist; she didn’t feel caught up in this maelstrom of dress robes and silk roses and romance and the rest of it; she’d be much better off not going to the dance. No one had asked her to go with him, and she didn’t expect anyone to. True, Severus had asked her to dance with him at least once, and she’d accepted, but that wasn’t exactly the same thing. The day of the ball the Great Hall had looked simply marvelous; it was already charmed so as to permanently display a beautiful, deep black sky with twinkling stars. The plates were made of silver now, instead of gold, and there were several dozen crystal vases stacked in a corner. White linen tablecloths with silver threads in the weaving were folded neatly to make a large pile in another corner, ready for decoration as soon as lunch was over—the dance was to start at seven. As soon as it had finished, most of the girls retired to their dormitories to get ready; Lily had hers to herself. Serena was in the prefect’s bathroom, along with Elspeth, Diana, and Abigail. Abigail was only there because she was a seventh year prefect, not because she was Serena’s especial friend, but Abigail hadn’t caught on quite yet. Still, around six-thirty, Lily was sitting on the windowsill, the glass wide open, and staring out over the roofs and grounds of Hogwarts, over the rippling, shimmery lake and across the deep green Forbidden Forest. Sighing longingly, she was caught up in the slight, warm breeze, which blew through her hair and waved it around her face softly, wishing suddenly that she could fly along with it. She didn’t hear anyone enter, but they must have, for someone set a hand on her shoulder. “Lily?” She picked at a bit of thread on her Hogwarts uniform. “Hullo, Sirius.” He was already dressed in his robes; they were a satin-grey, and he did look quite nice in them. She smiled at him as he sat down across from her. “Not getting dressed? James said you had some pretty robes; aren’t you wearing them?” Lily sighed. “I don’t think I’m coming.” Sirius looked shocked. “Not coming? Lily—this is one big event! You can’t miss it—some of the Ministry’ll be there—you can't not go!” “I can’t.” Her firm voice was steady. “I’d rather not; that’s just all. I’ll pay James back for my dress robes, since I won’t be wearing them.” “He paid for them?” ”Yes,” she said calmly, “in Diagon Alley, over the summer. I couldn’t afford them—and it’s better that I won’t be wearing them—I hate borrowing things, even though he gave me a good excuse to give them to me.” “Why don’t you want to go,” Sirius questioned. He had dropped the outraged tone; he simply was asking her. She sighed again and rested her chin on her knees. “I’d just not fit in with all of those people…I don’t fit in with them. I don’t want to live like they do…” Sirius put an arm around her shoulders. “Come on, that won’t keep you from going to one lousy ball, will it? Lily, I promise, you’ll have fun. You’ve got to do a dance with James anyway; since you’re Head Girl. No backing out.” His eyes looked so reassuring that she couldn’t help but assent. “All right. But don’t raise your expectations too high; I’m not going to show up as a damsel sent from the gods.” He laughed. “If you wanted to, you could. See you in twenty minutes, then,” he grinned, shutting the door behind him. Slowly, Lily stood up. She had no fixed idea, really, against going to this ball…Dropping to her knees, she started rooting underneath her bed for the slippers that went with the robes. Her hand hit a piece of paper; puzzled, she pulled a crumpled sheet of drawing paper and graphite out and spread it open on her knees. It was that picture of James she had almost unwittingly done about a year or so ago; no, less than a year. She remembered…she’d thrown it underneath the curtains of her bed… The floodgates of her mind had been opened. It wasn’t some silly fear of not looking right or not fitting in that she was afraid of; strangely enough, it was the boy in the picture… Then she snapped back to herself. Lily Evans—nervous about some Quidditch player? She tossed her head stubbornly. “I’m going to that thing,” she told herself, “because, one, I don’t have a good reason not to; two, James bought me the robes; three, I told Sirius I’d be there. No backing out now.” However, Lily couldn’t fasten the corset in back; she had to walk around to the boys’ dormitory, as they were just about the only ones that weren’t constantly throwing fits because their hair wouldn’t stay in place. Well, James might be complaining, but he wouldn’t be throwing a fit. She entered their dormitory breathless; even though it wasn’t fastened in back, the corset left her short of air. Only Sirius and Peter were inside, and they both looked up quickly at her entrance. “Lily, you’re only half-dressed,” Peter commented; he was in robes of dark blue, which, naturally, didn’t require aid in putting it on. “Oh, hush,” she said good-humouredly. “Sirius, can you figure out how to fasten this thing in the back fo me? I can’t get it.” ”Sure,” Sirius mumbled; “lemme see it…Turn round.” She did so, obediently, and within moments, she was ordered to hold onto something. “Oh, no,” she groaned. “This is one of those Scarlett O’Hara corsets, isn’t it? Suck in and pull? I could have sworn I saw snaps or something somewhere.” “If you say so,” Peter grunted, who had been handed the corset strings. “Hold onto something and suck in.” Lily made a face at him. “You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?” “If you say so,” Peter repeated. “Suck in.” “Okay, okay…” She obediently took tight hold of the closest four-poster, and within seconds, she was laced so tightly she could hardly gasp. “Peter, you prat! Not that tight! Sirius—help!” Between Sirius and Lily, they finally managed to make it fit decently, so that it didn’t make her faint in the middle of the dance floor, and so that it still made her look slender. She naturally was, but corsets were funny things when they weren’t handled right. Lily just missed James as she flitted back to her own dormitory to pull on a pair of slippers; he was taking Serena to the ball, and he was a nervous wreck, considering that his hair wouldn’t behave no matter what and the black robes he was wearing were billowing at every step he took, Sirius informed her as she left the boys’ room. He had told her that, no matter what, he’d be taking her down to the Great Hall, no matter what ‘that Slytherin git made you promise’. There wasn’t to be any backing out; there wasn’t a chance of it. Her hair was brushed and it hung around her shoulders to her waist, the robes were secured, and a small paste diamond pendant hung around her neck; it was cut in the shape of a teardrop. Tossing her head royally, she left the dormitory, meeting Sirius at the foot of the stairs, who grinned appreciatively when he saw her. “You’ll be fighting Snape off with a stick. And everyone else, as well, including me.” He gave her a small kiss on the hand, with an overdone, conquistador bow, and she lightly smacked him on the side of the head. “None of that. Absolutely none. I am not a crazed romance-driven priss, Sirius; you know that.” “I know, I know,” he grinned. “I couldn’t resist. Say, can I have the first dance? Snape’ll want to kill me.” “Is that what you want?” she asked, eyebrows raised. “No, wait. Let me rephrase that. Why?” “Why not?” he asked, flashing a charming smile at her while taking her arm. She sighed in frustration. “I give up.” Assuming a regal stature, she slid her fingers around the crook of his elbow. “Take me to the ballroom, good Sir Black.” “Fair Lady Evans, thou knowst that that would be but of nothing but great joy to me. The—“ “Sirius,” she warned. “Take me downstairs before I lose it.” “Sure,” he agreed, surprisingly. “Lessgo.” It was new to him, this feeling of escorting a queen to her throne. Lily had the regal attitude and stature of a royal, and, unconsciously, she seemed to rule over everyone surrounding her. Sirius didn’t even try to pick a fight with Snape when he met them in front of the Great Hall. Black robes, naturally. But all that was needed to stop the fight was the touch of her hand on his arm…he couldn’t have fought with anyone at that point. Not even—what’s his name?—Oh, yes, that Muggle-killer, Voldemort. Not even him. Lily had seen Severus half-smile at her near the entrance doors. She was unconscious of his approving glance as he looked at her and the robes she was wearing, but Sirius hadn’t missed it. She stood on tip-toe for a minute and gave Sirius a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thanks for walking me down here. I’ve got to go with McGonagall—she’s supposed to announce the Head Boy and Girl formally, as if it’s a big deal or something…and then I’ve got to open the dancing...” Severus shrugged. “Well, it is a big deal, isn’t it?” ”I suppose.” Lily gave them both a quick hug. “I’ll see you two later, then,” she beamed and was off. She didn’t run; she glided through crowds, and they unconsciously parted for her… “She looks really nice tonight,” Severus muttered. “Yeah,” Sirius shrugged; “what’s it to you?” “Nothing!” Severus glared. “Absolutely nothing!” “Yeah, right,” Sirius mumbled. Then, lower so that no one heard him, “We’re just both in love with the same person, that’s all…” Lily hardly noticed the gleaming masses of students all around her; the girls in many different shades, the boys mostly in darker colors. She saw Eva, too, who looked shy and pretty in sky-blue robes. Lora was in silver-grey silk, the same color as Sirius’, but hers went with her stormy grey eyes. Lily spotted James across the room; he was goofing around with Peter, Frank, and Serena, who, in burgundy robes with a white skirt showing in the front, managed to look completely beautiful. As always, Lily thought, a tiny bit annoyed. Remus looked very nice; he was in robes of dark brown velvet. Werewolf colors look nice on him, Lily thought. She stopped next to him for a few seconds to talk, when a hand landed on her shoulder, turning her around. “Professor?” Lily asked. Professor McGonagall was shooeing James towards her, who was a tiny bit red. As the teachers herded the rest of the students inside the Great Hall and opened up the large windows inside the Great Hall so as to form doors onto the lawns, the two were left alone for the moment. Lily smiled shyly at him. “Hello.” James grinned at her. “You look absolutely beautiful. Much better than that day I saw you in Diagon Alley.” She bit her lip. “Please don’t. I hate it when people tell me that—I never can think of a response.” “How about, ‘Thanks; you look nice, too?’” Lily laughed. “That actually makes too much sense!” Professor McGonagall interrupted the rest of what might have been a decent conversation by reemerging and telling them that they needed to enter the Great Hall. Naturally, they did so, and, as Lily felt the entire school’s eyes upon her and James, as they walked over to the center of the hall, leaned over towards the Head Boy. “James?” “Yeah?” he whispered back. “How does one dance formally?” He grinned. “Don’t worry. Follow my lead; I’ll try to teach without having everyone else notice.” The four House tables were gone; around the walls stood about a hundred miniature tables covered with the silky silver tablecloths and set with silverware and beautiful roses in one crystal vase per table. The entire Hall was covered in banners saying Hogwarts Celebrates 1,000 years or something of the sort, and where the teacher’s table usually was, a stage had been conjured, with about ten people with instruments sitting in chairs covered with white cloth on top of the stage. ”James?” she asked again. “What?” “Who’re those people onstage? The ones with the instruments.” James looked and let out a whistle. “Holy Merlin! So he did manage to get them to come!” “Who?” “It’s a Celtic band—they’re rather famous, and they’re very good. Not exactly classical, but sort of. Here—“ They had reached the middle of the floor by now, and James took Lily’s hand in one of his own, letting his other rest on the curve of her back. “Now what?” she hissed. “Just do what I do and try not to step on my toes,” he whispered back as the musicians started to play a rather fast, yet slow tune, one that was surprisingly easy to dance to. Not that Lily ever really had a problem with it—she had enjoyed herself far too much at a party in the Gryffindor common room in fourth year, but that wasn’t exactly dancing; it was more of a wild, spinning, twirling, breathtaking whip. This, on the other hand, was slow…slower than she’d ever moved before. Behind James’ back, she caught Peter snickering behind his hand, and Remus shaking his head exaggeratedly. Still, after about a minute and a half of them circling the floor alone, with the white robes sweeping the floor like a veil at every step Lily took, John Winters, from the Gryffindor Quidditch team, stepped up to Eva, holding out his hand. Quickly, they were on the floor, then a couple of fifth years, then a third year and a fourth year, then Frank and Lora, who was trying to see how many people’s feet she could step on in the space of that song. It ended a bit too soon for Lily; she had enjoyed sweeping around in the crowd, twirling as if on wings, then recovering to earth to have a hand wrapped around her waist again. Was she only pretending to see it, or was he also sorry to let her go? She didn’t know. Sirius claimed her for the next dance, and then Severus asked her for one. Sirius attacked her immediately afterwards, asking her if she truly was scarred for life—come on, Severus’ hand had actually touched her. Lily was in a good enough mood to simply tell him to shut up, which was a first. After that, though, the orchestra struck up an extremely fast song, and she wasn’t in the mood for anything fast at all. Rather than stay in the Great Hall, she fluttered between groups of friends and couples, making her way outside through one of the large windows that now were magnificent doors. It was even more beautiful outside. Every single tree and bush had small, sparkling fairies in it; instead of a large, overgrown clump of trees, a fountain had been erected, marble, white, and elegant, with a marble sprite spurting almost iridescent water from her hands stretched above her head. The sun was setting, bathing the grounds in a golden and scarlet glow; then diminishing to a deep indigo. Soon the only figures that could be seen were that of the water sprite, the white marble fountain, and Lily herself, who was sitting on the edge of the basin, running her fingers lightly through the water. A crackling noise to her left startled her; she jumped up, facing whoever it was. Lily caught her breath-this was the last person she had ever expected to see at Hogwarts. The last person. Even a Muggle construction worker would have been more realistic. “Tom?” She moved forward uncertainly, as though she wasn’t sure it was him. It was, though the months had taken their toll upon him. The red glare that had inflamed his eyes when Litharelen died was still there; Lily could tell they would always be like that. He was whiter, paler, more determined, taller, and somehow-he seemed almost invincible. “No one’s out here, are they?” His entire voice was now high and cold, not only his laugh… Lily’s eyes darted around. “No,” she said, satisfied. “They’re dancing or who knows what-TOM!” A thought had just dawned on her. “You haven’t come to attack Hogwarts, have you?” “Good God, Lily, no,” Tom said, vaguely amused, his fingers playing with his wand. “I’m not that stupid…it’s well protected. No-I want to speak with you.” ”Me.” Lily set her jaw. “Shoot.” ”Litharelen’s dead. I know she is; she won’t ever come back. She served me as a right-hand man, faithfully and well…” Lily cast an anxious glance over her shoulder. “Tom, can’t we go somewhere, like maybe the Forbidden Forest, where it’s safe?” “Safe?” He laughed. “Lily, that place is far from safe for you…” She shrugged, and her regal bearing resumed her body. “Any place is safe for me. What did you want to ask me?” ”I want to know whether you were serious when you meant you were leaving my ranks-not that you ever were in them. You want to break off all contact with me?” This is suicide, Lily told herself. “Of course. You almost killed James.” “I will get around to that one day. He’s the one responsible for everything,” Tom sneered. “Still-“ “Tom,” Lily interrupted quietly, “I wish you’d get it through your head that James wouldn’t ever do anything like that. He couldn’t; he didn’t. Stop blaming him.” ”Lily, stop sticking up for him-what I have to offer you is more than this-“ He gestured around the now almost paradisiacal Hogwarts-“this place.” “Oh?” Her voice, ever cool and collected, had intensity in it now. “I want you to take Litharelen’s place; to join me, to stand by me at my right hand. You’ve got great gifts and powers, Lily,” Tom whispered; “I’d hate to see them wasted.” Lily was caught off her guard for a second. The dizzying depths of what she could become was yawning before her…what she could become, what adventure and danger she could face. Giddy, she leaned on the fountain, an eerie light drowning her eyes in its brilliance. Finally-a chance to feel her heart beat every single second of every day…a chance to live! To live life and enjoy it- “If you don’t learn to live with danger, you don’t learn to live at all,” she murmered softly to herself. Tom didn’t interrupt, and wisely so. If he said anything now, at a crucial point in time, he could lose what he had been trying to gain for the past year or so-he needed her. She would be a crucial ally; after all, he knew about her scores on the O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s. Only he had scored as high as she, and he knew not one other person that had scored higher or as high. She was smart, she was logical, she had no real ties to any of her friends or family, besides her mother, who was dead, and, most of all, she was firmly enough against love as to be pulled to the Ministry’s side. She was a wonderful ally-if she could but decide to become one. Still spinning around in Lily’s mind were the things she had dreamed of while cooped up in a stuffy classroom at Hogwarts or in her dormitory-running, running from justice, fleeing…feeling the world want to snatch her up, swallow her, but never enabling itself to… Living as though she’d never lived before. Actually using her full capabilities. Danger…danger…danger… A longing smile had slowly started to wink at the corners of her mouth, and Tom let his shoulders relax in relief. Good-she had succ umbed. Lily slowly opened her mouth, twisting a piece of hair absent-mindedly between two fingers. Her eyes were still sparkling in anticipation, when, almost as if in a slide presentation, a picture was slipped in front of her eyes-one picture?-no, many, millions, flashing, dissolving, more forming, ones she hardly ever remembered… Diagon Alley-her first time there, when James knocked into her and sent her flying. When he introduced her to his friends on the train; when he sailed to the castle along with the first years; when he tried on the hat for the second time. The first time she had ever seen a Quidditch practice; his face when he was been accused of being her boyfriend. His face after he found out that he’d locked her into the dungeon she’d almost died in. Scenes started flashing so quickly she couldn’t keep up with them-then- The first time they had landed in the Alendoren Cove. The time Tom had attacked James-then the day Litharelen died and they thought they were lost. His eyes were blazing with wildness, not fear…they weren’t afraid… His face when they had danced together, alone, for those few minutes…not hard as diamonds, but soft and warm…sweet-Lily imagined for a minute the touch of his hand on her waist, and she flinched slightly. Images of the dance flashed behind her half-closed eyelids; the water spilling into the fountain was reflecting her uninterpretable expression. She let go of the piece of hair she had twisted into a sheath of curls, and she drew a breath to speak. “Tom-“ She stopped, and Tom didn’t say anything. He was secure, he knew what her answer was going to be. “Tom, I can’t.” His eyebrows were hidden under his hair as he replied, “You can’t? Pray tell why not?” “I just can’t, that’s all,” she said with unbreakable finality. “You can’t or you won’t?” “Both, really.” She turned her back on him. “You’d better leave. Dumbledore might catch you.” Tom laughed, throwing his head back and almost cracking windowpanes with the sound. “He-that fool! He couldn’t come close to me!” Quickly, however, he resumed his serious manner. “So you’ve made up your mind? That’s your final answer.” ”It’s my final answer,” she said, though only she could tell how much it cost her to keep her voice level and her bearing erect. Tom kept the same aura of self-control. “Good, then. I’ll leave you. I shan’t kill you-I’d have done so with anyone else, but I owe you a debt, for what you did for Litharelen. I don’t intend ever to kill you, by the way, for the same reason--unless you start fighting for the Ministry and get in my way.” Lily laughed, a merciless, humourless sound. “How compassionate! The great Lord Voldemort spares a Hogwarts seventh year from his anger. Headlines for the Daily Prophet, that is.” “It should be.” Tom’s eyes grew almost to slits. “You’re perhaps the last I’ll ever spare…ever, besides some of my followers. The last. You’re a lucky person, Lily-but you’ve made a wonderfully stupid choice.” Before she could blink, he was gone. Lily couldn’t tell how, but she suspected he had broken through the Apparating charms in Hogwarts-after all, he was one of the most powerful wizards the earth ever created. She drew a deep breath, so deep that the woods started to dim in front of her eyes and she let it out with a sickening rush. Lily knew full well she’d just done something that could have cost her her life, which suddenly seemed more appealing than ever before. From inside the Great Hall, she heard Serena’s laugh float outside. Lily whipped around quickly, then almost melted as she slipped to the grass, sitting down with her back against the fountain. “I’m a fool,” she whispered. “I gave everything up, everything!-And for what? For what?” She glared at the moon, as if it was its fault; then her head sank into her folded arms. “For what?” she whispered. Lily remained that way for only a few moments, then, gathering her strength, she stood back up, her hands slightly resting on the edge of the fountain, her eyes riveted to the sparkling, dancing, dark and yet light waterdroplets. A hand fell onto hers; she turned her head slightly to see the shadowy figure on her right. She didn’t move her head. “How much did you hear?” she asked. It wasn’t any use to ask him if he had heard or not; she knew he had. James shrugged, running his fingers through his hair with his other hand. “Everything. I followed you outside.” A cloud moved over the moon, making his face unreadable, but hers stood out in the darkness like a candle flame; the white skirt was trailing behind her like a stream of water. “Well?” ”I’m not going to tell Dumbledore.” He lifted her hand off of the marble and pulled it towards him. It was strange, Lily thought, how they could almost read what the other person was thinking… She stared back onto the fountain’s rippling surface. “Everyone else’s inside, aren’t they?” James nodded. “They’re eating now; it’s eight o’clock, so…” His voice trailed off. “Yes,” she murmered, “I know.” They were quiet for some time, and the only sound that reached their ears was the warm breath of the wind as it ruffled the leaves on the trees and strands of their hair. Finally, James spoke again. “Lily?” She gazed at him again. “Yes?” “Why’d you tell him you wouldn’t? I know-“ He faltered, then regained the sentence he had dropped. “I thought that was what you most wanted, wasn’t it?” “It is,” she sighed. “Yes-well, not what I most want, but it’s definitely the life I’d love most to live.” “Then why’d you tell him you wouldn’t?” His eyes seemed to pierce her thoughts, and she involuntarily drew away, his face clearly outlined in front of her. “I-“ She choked. “No reason you’d be interested in.” He sighed. “All right.” She smiled, partly at him, partly at nothing in particular, shivering slightly. James half-frowned. “Are you cold?” “No-“ she started to say-“I’m-“ Lily was cut off, though; he had draped his arm around her shoulder; his hand was on her waist. She wasn’t used to this at all; startled, she tensed, then relaxed, partly supporting herself on the white marble. It was almost as if he were forcing her to look at him, not letting her eyes back down under his gaze, but his eyes weren’t interrogating, not cruel, simply an orbit for her. She couldn’t turn away, couldn’t do anything-didn’t want to do anything- She saw nothing else except his eyes; their surroundings were blindly leaving her, and the tinkle of forks on plates in the Great Hall couldn’t reach her ears. The only sound she heard was the one that a conch shell, held to her ear, made, the sound of the ocean, of far-off waves crashing onto the rocks… He didn’t care what she tried this time; if she turned away, anything. This was going to be a night of heartbreak, anyway; he knew she hated romance and any idea that could possibly relate to marriage in the faintest way whatsoever. He mightn’t see her again, ever-they were leaving Hogwarts tomorrow. He’d been accepted into the Ministry, and he knew she was going to be working at Hogwarts. There was no way that he’d be taking time off of work-not now, anyway. Not with Lord Voldemort gaining more power every minute they were alive. And who knew-he’d probably be the first to die, two seconds into his first assignment as an Auror, just because of Tom’s particular hatred of him. Before he died… Half scared she’d repulse him again, he slowly leaned towards her. She didn’t move; she hardly breathed, and her eyes were dark green, darker than they had ever been. The same feeling of reckless abandon of sanity and logic came over him as it had about a month or two, next to the lake. He saw her eyes drop; the dark, thick eyelashes lay quietly on her cheekbones, and he moved closer, ever so slightly- |