-- Meditations. iii. 5., Marcus Aurelius
"Excuse me, ma’am," Tintrup said from behind Mrs. Langley. Mrs. Langley straightened up sighing. "What is it?" "Dr. Fairmont is downstairs, and he asked me to announce him, or rather…to see if you would receive him." Mrs. Langley’s pulse began to quicken, and she had half a mind to send him away. There was a long enough pause that Tintrup felt she must ask again. "What must I do?" "Direct him into the small sitting room. I’ll be down presently," Mrs. Langley said, remaining in her chair despite her directive.
Dr. Fairmont paced the room, becoming more agitated as he waited for Mrs. Langley to join him. He had been distracted all day at the sanitarium, knowing that he had set his mind to visiting Mrs. Langley after his rounds were finished. The new year had come and gone and he as of yet had not seen Mrs. Langley, both having avoided any setting that might bring them together. But Dr. Fairmont was aware that he could not continue in this mode for much longer: it would be better to go and see her.
Dr. Fairmont heard the rustle of her skirts and turned abruptly to face her. She paused in the door, appearing pale and uneasy. "I was occupied when you arrived…I had not expected you," she said by way of explanation for the long delay she had imposed on her visitor. Running her arm along the chair rail of the room, Mrs. Langley entered the room making her way along the wall, feeling timorous in Dr. Fairmont’s presence. "I should have sent word. Forgive me for interrupting you," Dr. Fairmont said, wishing Mrs. Langley might sit, so that he could follow suit and conceal some of his own nerves. Mrs. Langley, however, did not take a seat, backing herself into a wall and staring with wide eyes at her visitor, hoping he would say whatever it was quickly, so that she might escape to her room once more.
Sensing that Mrs. Langley would not easily be engaged in common place chatter, Dr. Fairmont felt that a quick statement of his feelings and equally quick withdrawal was the best course of action. "Mrs. Langley, I have come to apologize for my behavior. My feelings, however natural, were abhorrent to you, and therefore, I have only to be sorry for them," Dr. Fairmont spoke quickly, putting his hands behind his back and standing up as straight as he could in an effort to regain some of his dignity. Mrs. Langley pressed her hand to her stomach. "Abhorrent?" she asked quietly, knitting her eyebrows. Dr. Fairmont took one step forward, but stopped from coming any further, fearing that she would leave if he did.
"Then how did you feel?" he asked soothingly. Mrs. Langley’s hand went from her stomach to her head. "Oh, I did not know how I felt. But you took some liberty with me, which quite caught me by surprise." "Forgive me, I was…carried away," Dr. Fairmont said, resting his hand on the back of the chair closest to him. "But, I have thought on it since. I did not know my feelings then," Mrs. Langley confessed distractedly, feeling as if her heart would burst through her chest. "And you know them now?" Dr. Fairmont asked warily, hope rising within, despite himself.
Mrs. Langley grew frightened of her bold honesty and turning towards the window, grasped the sash with shaking hand. "I am afraid I encouraged you, unknowingly." "Not at all. You have given me little encouragement, Mrs. Langley," Dr. Fairmont said, his hope dimming once more. "I had felt sure that your feelings were safely engaged elsewhere. Safe for me, I mean. For, I do like you, Dr. Fairmont…very much." Dr. Fairmont began to approach once more, and Mrs. Langley held up one hand. "No, please. It cannot be. We can offer each other friendship, which is a great gift, is it not?" Mrs. Langley spoke as if she was trying to convince herself of the merit of her offer, rather than being firmly convinced of its virtues. "Your voice shakes, Emily. You don’t mean what you say. If you care for me…" Dr. Fairmont reached out a hand to cover Mrs. Langley’s on the window. She let it rest there for a moment, closing her eyes and trying to memorize the feel of his large warm hand pressed against her own: she had no intention of ever letting him touch her like that again, so she must take that memory and hold it to her heart.
Pulling away her hand, Mrs. Langley touched her fingertips to the cold panes of glass to draw herself back to reality. "It is not easy for me to say it, but I believe it to be so. We cannot be anything more to each other than we have always been." "You are already infinitely more to me than a friend," Dr. Fairmont reasoned. "No, I have never thought my station as a widow would ever be changed, and it shall remain so." Dr. Fairmont grew angry, and drawing back from Mrs. Langley walked towards the sofa where he had rested his cane. Grabbing it up, he turned towards Mrs. Langley, who remained with her back to him. "Why do you feel so superior to the rest of womankind…indeed, mankind, that you insist on such insufferable prideful morality. I would not live like you for the world, Mrs. Langley." Dr. Fairmont’s words were like needles pricking her skin, but she would not turn to face him. "If you insist on being married to my uncle until the grave, then I shall leave you to it, for I will not suffer by. Consider this my notice. I know plenty of young men who might take the position at the sanitarium, and I shall give Dr. Ploughman a list of those whom I think worthy of the job. Thank you, ma’am. I shall trespass on your time no further."
Mrs. Langley spun from the window, hearing Dr. Fairmont’s boots echoing in the hallway and tripped as she hurried after him, hot tears burning her cheeks. She grabbed at his coat and fell to her knees, her skirts billowing about her. Dr. Fairmont stooped down, attempting to draw her back up, but she held him at the knees and would not be moved. "Emily, your servants will see you, please," Dr. Fairmont pleaded with her, but she would not check her tears. Between sobs she begged, "please, don’t leave." Dr. Fairmont had not expected such a scene and being a warm spirited gentleman would have normally been so taken by her distress that he would have promised anything to relieve her present anguish. Only the strength of his resolve prevented this from happening.
He spoke more firmly: "Come Emily, stand up! You will make yourself ill again." "Be kind to me, Dr. Fairmont," she sobbed. "Look at what you have done to me," she continued, burying her head in her skirts, but continuing to grasp at Dr. Fairmont. "If you will not stand up, I will have to pick you up, which you won’t like," Dr. Fairmont urged. Failing to raise her head and continuing to sob, Dr. Fairmont truly began to worry that a servant would enter the hallway and Mrs. Langley would become the focus of a cruel scandal. Not wishing to waste any more time, Dr. Fairmont scooped Mrs. Langley up into his arms and carried her back into the room from which they had come.
-- Choephoræ, 59, Aeschylus
Emily bit her lip and swallowed, before whispering, "could you not stay?" "No, I cannot. You are being fairly selfish in that request," Dr. Fairmont said in such a way that Emily felt very much as if she was being reprimanded. She had never thought of herself as selfish, but Dr. Fairmont had always been fair with her, so she did not immediately dismiss this evaluation of her behavior. "Selfish?" "You wish me by your side, but on your terms. It brings me pain to be so near you and to know that you will not…I simply cannot live in your presence any longer." "Where would you go?" she asked, looking him in the eyes for the first time since he had brought her back into the room. He gazed a moment into those eyes, which he so well remembered from their first meeting, when they had appeared preternaturally bright. Now they swum with tears and her eyelids were already growing heavy from crying.
He drew her hand from her face, which was still wiping at her eyes. "You’ll make your cheeks sore," he said, holding her hand down in her lap. "Where will you go?" she asked with more urgency. "London." Her tears began to flow more quickly and she shook her head. "I don’t think I could bear it." "My decision has been made." "I’ll do anything, anything so that you might stay." Emily gripped Dr. Fairmont’s hands. Dr. Fairmont shook his head ‘no’. "You only mean to do so much, and I cannot continue to live here in your presence, knowing that you will not consent to be mine," Dr. Fairmont said in a wounded tone. "But it is so cruel of you to leave now. Before you…before Christmas…I did not know my heart as I do now. You have awakened a pain within me and it is very cruel," she said, between sobs.
Seeing her thus affected, Dr. Fairmont could no longer sit by. Joining her on the sofa, he drew her head to his chest and caressed her mass of curls. "What do you want from me? I fear that you ask too much of me." Emily continued to sob, clutching Dr. Fairmont’s jacket. "Dearest, if you love me, as I do you, let us be a joy to each other and not a torment. I want to spend all my days with you. There is no wickedness in that wish." Emily’s sobs slowed, and Dr. Fairmont began once again. "Say ‘yes’, Emily." Unable to speak what she felt, Emily slowly raised her head, and Dr. Fairmont watched her, unmoving. Emily leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss on Dr. Fairmont’s cheek, before burying her face in his neck. Dr. Fairmont put his arm about her shoulders, feeling as if he had never been so assured of happiness before this moment.
Emily also felt a wash of relief, assured that her heart was now safely in the hands of Dr. Fairmont, instead of bringing pain to her own throbbing chest. "And you will not leave me?" Dr. Fairmont was distracted by the sensation of Emily’s warm lips moving against his neck, so he did not answer immediately. Emily raised her head and looked at him questioningly. "You will stay?" she urged again. "No, I still intend on leaving," he said somewhat apologetically. Emily shook her head pulling away from Dr. Fairmont.
"But I have agreed! What more do you ask of me?" Dr. Fairmont took her wrist, lightly pulling her back. "I cannot marry you as things stand now. I cannot until I have made something of myself." Emily blushed at the mention of marriage. "But you are a great success," she argued. "In your dear estimation, yes, but your brother would not be likely to agree, nor the rest of your family." Emily sulked. "Why do you seek their approval, when you have mine?" "There are reasons beyond that. I cannot ask you to give up your estate and I cannot join you here. I decided long before I met you to never live off my uncle, and I shan’t begin now. What, am I to bring you back to the cottage? No, certainly not." "That cottage was a gift…" "It makes no difference. I must make something of myself in London, so that I have something to offer you. It is not likely to be this much, but it will be something."
Emily felt somewhat angry at this speech. "Surely this is foolish male pride." "No, it is what you deserve. I will have it no other way." "Let us go to London together. No one there cares about who is who or where they came from. I will leave this behind gladly," she said, gesturing around her. "No, I have to have something to offer you first. I will go to London with Sicily." Emily had spent most of her life in the company of males, and she could recognize when they were not likely to bend to her will. Now was such a time.
"It can take years to make a name for yourself in London," she said, fighting back tears once more. Dr. Fairmont reached up and touched her cheek. "No more tears. You are too pretty for tears." However unaccustomed Emily was to such compliments, this one could not assuage her grief. Dr. Fairmont searched for something to say: "I shall come back for you no matter how long it takes, and in the meanwhile you can consider yourself free." Emily took in a sharp breath. "Oh no, I will consider myself pledged to you from this moment on, even if you will not marry me." Dr. Fairmont leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "I will marry you, my dear. I just want to have something to offer you in return for your love."
Emily closed her eyes. She had not expected to make any more concessions after giving away her heart, but now it seemed she would have to be content to wait for Dr. Fairmont for an indeterminate amount of time. "Tell me that you love me, Emily dear, for you have not yet said it. That will keep me content while I am away from you," Dr. Fairmont pleaded. Emily felt somewhat overwhelmed at the request. "No one has ever made love to me before," she replied shyly. "I would not wish to find you a wizened coquette. You are far from that." "Oh, no, I am not that." "Then it can do no harm and would mean ever so much to me." Dr. Fairmont looked at her hopefully. "I intend on making you happy," Emily assented, pausing to compose herself. "I love you…more than I have ever loved anyone," she confessed before being pulled to Dr. Fairmont’s chest once more.
-- Speech, Nov. 9, 1867, Benjamin, Earl of Beaconsfield Disraeli
Elizabeth had walked to visit her cousin, thinking that her spirits might need lightening since Dr. Fairmont’s removal from the neighborhood. Being without any sister of her own, Elizabeth imagined that her cousin might be in need of someone to confide in, but now that she was here, she found it difficult to initiate the confidence. "The new physician will be here in a few weeks, then?" Emily dragged her gaze from the window. "Yes, he will. Dr. Fairmont recommended him." "That is good. And Dr. Fairmont is gone to London. Has he a position there?" Emily looked down at her hands. "He has friends there, I believe."
Elizabeth paused, attempting to ask a more meaningful question, so as to provide another chance for her cousin to unburden her heart. She knew Emily to be complex and sometimes difficult to draw out. "Did Dr. Fairmont’s leaving have anything to do with you, Cousin?" Emily straightened up in her chair. "Do I presume too much in asking? I assure you that I only ask out of concern." Emily tried to be lighthearted. "I suppose you mean to ask if I drove him away?" "Oh Emily," Elizabeth said, shaking her head. "I only want you to be happy." "That is kind of you, Elizabeth, and I feel much the same for you. But the fact is, I’m very sure my brother was very happy to see Dr. Fairmont go. So, his reason for leaving can be of no matter." "Andrew’s feelings need not enter into our discussion." "Well they do, for Dr. Fairmont might not have left, if it were not for Andrew."
Emily had become agitated and said more than she had intended. Realizing this, she was thankful that this slip was made in front of Elizabeth and not anyone else. She could depend on Elizabeth to remain silent. "Did Andrew refuse to allow…" Emily stood up quickly, interrupting her cousin, not wishing her to finish the question she was about to pose. Seeing that her cousin was disturbed, Elizabeth kindly stopped, not wishing to bring her any discomfort. "Oh forgive me, Emily. I have no romances of my own, so perhaps I create them for others," she said, by way of a polite end to the conversation. Emily smiled thankfully at her cousin. "That does not sound much like your character."
***
Miss Fairmont rapped lightly on the room Dr. Fairmont had set up as an office in their new rooms in London. She heard him call for her to enter and twisting the black doorknob peered around the door. "Am I bothering you?" Dr. Fairmont was poised over a letter that he was writing to Mrs. Langley, writing as he had promised to do as soon as they were settled, so that she would know that they were safe and she would know where to reach them. He looked up from the letter. "I am writing a letter to Mrs. Langley, but come in and have a seat. It can wait."
Miss Fairmont sat in the wooden chair opposite Dr. Fairmont’s desk. The sound of the streets outside seemed very loud to her compared to the quiet of Baconfield, and she was forever looking out the window in slight apprehension. Dr. Fairmont put down his writing implement and observed that his cousin seemed tightly wound. "Are you all right, Sicily?" "No, I feel stretched very thin today. I did not sleep well with the noise outside, and with the sound only growing louder during the day, I am made that much more uneasy." Sicily did not often complain, so Dr. Fairmont took her comments seriously. "It is quite a change, I own," he said, picking up his paper weight and setting it over the letter, since the draft from the window was threatening to blow it off his desk. "I suppose I will grow accustomed to it, as I did the quiet in Baconfield."
In Dr. Fairmont’s hurry to get to London and begin to make a name for himself, he had failed to think of the effect that the removal might have on his cousin. Since he had taken charge of her, he had never done anything without considering her feelings. Realizing that he had behaved thoughtlessly immediately caused him substantial regret. "Sicily, dear, you must forgive me. I did not ask you, as I did when leaving Brighton, if you cared to move to London. You would have preferred to stay in Baconfield?" Sicily had not come to her cousin seeking to chastise him, but he had detected her true feelings. "I had grown rather fond of it, even though we were not there long. I like the Munson girls and Mrs. Langley and the Dawsons. I liked our little cottage."
She paused, hoping she had not said too much. "I don’t mind coming to London," she said with less assurance than she had her previous statement. "I was so caught up in my own problems," Dr. Fairmont said, shaking his head. "I would go where ever you liked to go, Colin, but I do wish I knew what your problems were, or why we had to hurry off so quickly. It seemed rather peculiar to me." Dr. Fairmont cleared his throat. "I should have confided in you." He did not sound entirely certain. He had asked Emily to stay silent about their decision in order to avoid any unpleasantries she might have to face from her family while he was attempting to make something of himself in London. She had not asked for the same promise from him in regards to Sicily, but he felt uncomfortable exacting such a promise from her and not imposing one upon himself. But he had told her that should necessity make her share their secret, she should do so without fearing how it would effect him.
"Emily…Mrs. Langley and I decided that it would be best for me to leave Baconfield." "You did not part on bad terms, I hope," Sicily asked with concern. "No, quite on the contrary. We parted with the intention of one day becoming man and wife." While Sicily was not unaware of Dr. Fairmont’s clear affection for Mrs. Langley, she had not expected this confession. She took a moment to compose herself. "Congratulations. I could not think of anyone I would rather see you with," she said earnestly. "I am glad you feel that way. It would be very hard for you two not to be friends, but I already knew how fond of you she was, so I did not worry on that account. I would have told you earlier, Sicily, but I was not sure of her affection until very recently. And there is some need for a period of secrecy, since her brother does not look on me as a suitable match." Sicily pouted, amazed that anyone could not think Dr. Fairmont as quasi-heroic at very least. "I have come here to make a name for myself, and then I hope that no one can have any real qualms concerning our union." "I see."
"But that shouldn’t mean that you are condemned to follow me. I can send you back. Mrs. Langley would be glad to take you, I am sure." "Oh, no, I couldn’t trespass on her kindness." "Nonsense! She is all but family, Sicily, and I know she would love to have you. You would be happier there. I am already writing to her. Let me ask her if you might come to stay with her. At least for now?" Sicily was afraid of bothering Mrs. Langley, but she also had reasons for wishing herself back in Baconfield, so she stood and coming over to her cousin, she kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you, Colin. I would prefer it." "It is done," he said, removing the paper weight and picking up his pen once more. "I’m sure you will have an answer that will make you happy in a few days time."
Miss Fairmont left the room and Dr. Fairmont was free to begin his letter again. There were already by necessity many mundane details included in the letter, Emily needing to know some details concerning his new establishment. It would be easy enough to add his request that his cousin return and stay with her, which he knew would be gladly accepted. He knew enough of the two ladies’ relationship that her answer could not be in doubt. As he wrote the request it did occur to him that it would perhaps draw some attention to their continuing relationship, but absolute secrecy was not Dr. Fairmont’s intention and seemed somewhat circumspect.
But in addition to these necessary items, Dr. Fairmont had hoped to write his first love letter to Emily. He wanted to tell her some of the things that he was still uneasy saying in her presence, since he had been held at arm’s length for so long. He wished to tell her how lovely he had always thought her, how intelligent and thoughtful, and how after meeting her he had quickly come to wish that his uncle had not had the extreme good fortune to meet her before he did. And most of all that he considered it his greatest blessing that she had walked into his life and recently allowed him to hope that she would one day belong to him.
