Teen Pregnancy

To communicate without words...

Babies can not speak, but they have a lot to say. If you are like most moms, you have probably turned to older moms for advice about parenting, which is a good thing. But in doing so you've also probably ran into some outdated ideas and suggestions along with the good advice. I'm talking about old ideas like "Picking up a baby whenever he cries will spoil him" that we know today aren't true.

30 years ago, babies were viewed rather like lumps of clay. Their capacity to learn and understand was grossly underestimated. There has been such an explosion of information regarding child development since that time that now we know better. Today we know that babies begin learning from and responding to their environment from birth. Many people don't realize this, but a baby can become depressed as early as 4 months old! That's why it's crucial for parents to understand how to "listen" to and communicate with their infants and how we communicate with our children is based on what we think they need and can understand.

Picking up a crying infant communicates love and lays a basic foundation of trust in the parent-child relationship. Infants can sense and respond to their parent's emotional state from a very early age. If a mother is clinically depressed, the chances of her infant becoming depressed are extremely high. This is because a baby learns who they are, how they feel, and what they can expect, not only through their own actions, but through their caregiver's actions.

It's vitally important that parents know what to expect and what is normal for a child in the different ages and stages of development so that we can lay a good, strong, solid foundation for later in life. You want your child to feel loved and accepted and to believe that you are trustworthy and loving. You teach your child those concepts from day one by how you listen and respond to her. When she cries, it's because she needs something. When she coos, it is to express a feeling or interest. Babies get sad, happy, excited, frustrated, angry, etc just like we do but they can not express their feelings in words or pictures but only through their crying, facial expressions, and other vocalizations. How you respond to those indicators is what will define your relationship. Are you loving? Generous? Compassionate? Patient? Hey, no one is all the time. But what counts is the overall pattern of behaviour.

It's up to us as parents to listen to what they do and learn to understand what it means. Your baby is trying to communicate to you every day and every day you can send the message that "You are important to me, I am listening and I love you" or you can send the message "You are not important to me, I will not listen to you, I do not care how you feel". Thinking in those terms may help you to find more ways to communicate positively to your infant.

Here are some simple things you can do to reinforce a healthy foundation for your infant:

The Do's

When she cries, pick her up and speak in a calm, soothing voice. You may try gently asking what's wrong or sympathizing with her feelings by saying something like "I know you're tired/hungry/wet/sick and that is no fun at all but don't worry, everything is going to be okay." If this makes you feel a little silly at first, that's okay. The important thing is to be soothing and calm. She may not understand the words, but she will understand your tone of voice and facial expressions and she can actually sense and respond to the gentleness of your touch.
Talk to him when you're doing other things, too, like dressing or changing the. Be cheerful. Talk about whatever you want to, the weather, his outfit, if you're changing him talk about how much better he'll feel in a new diaper, whatever comes to mind. The important thing is be open and cheerful. By doing this, you are encouraging interaction and helping him to learn how to talk to you.
You may want to consider infant massage. Research has shown that touch is vital in human development. We all need hugs and babies are no exception. Spending 20 minutes a day taking some baby lotion and gently rubbing your baby's back, arms, and legs can be very soothing for both baby and parent.
If you bottlefeed, always hold him when you feed him. Make meal times into a loving, soothing time where baby is held and snuggled.
Take time for yourself each day. This may not sound like it fits in with being there for your child, but it does. A parent who is too emotionally or physically exhausted can not comfort and attend to a child as well as a parent who is refreshed and rested. Have Grandma watch the baby at regular times if you can or another trusted friend of family member. It's okay to go out once a week and take time just for you. Working or going to school is not down time. On a day to day level, choose at least one nap period where you just relax. Don't worry about the housework or homework or whatever else may be going on, but take a time out. Everyone needs a mental sanity break now and then and good parents realize when they're getting close to burnout. Raising a baby is a high-stress job and you need to provide for yourself, too. This is especially important for single mothers because you have no one else to share the stresses with and no one there to take over when you need it.

The Do Not's

Don't leave your baby unattended.
Don't let her cry for long periods of time without attempting to comfort her. She may still cry while you're holding her, but she knows you're there. That being said, if you need to, you can lay her down in a safe place like her crib and bassinet and let her cry for 5 or 10 minutes while you take a breather. This will not harm her. But as a general rule, do not be afraid to hold her when she needs comfort. Babies don't cry without a reason. She needs food, a change, or comfort. She may have gas, her right pinky toe may itch, sometimes you'll never know what was wrong but your touch and presence is enough to make her whole world right again.
Don't make her eat alone. When you can pacify a baby with a bottle and get a few minutes of peace or some housework done, it's really easy to fall into the habit of propping the bottle and isolating your baby. Don't do it. Feeding and changing times are some of the very best bonding times in the first few months especially. Always keep in mind that these months are precious and they pass quickly. (Even though it doesn't always feel like it at 2 in the morning!) Take the time to enjoy her when she's little because one day you'll be looking back and wishing things were so simple. : )
Don't think you can do it alone. Parenting is not a one person job. You need a support network of friends and family that will encourage and help you. Hopefully this can include your parents and other relatives but sometimes it is especially hard for a teen mom to get the support she needs because many people believe teen mothers can not be good mothers. This is not true. A young mother can be an exceptional mother and we're proving that all the time. Surround yourself with people who will be understanding and develop a network of supportive 'partners' who can help you. This should include your doctor or baby's pediatrician. There should always be someone you can call when you have a question or turn to when you don't know what else to do.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. Especially when you're young this can be difficult because there are people who will take every opportunity to make you feel ignorant. Don't let them! No one knows everything about parenting. All new parents have questions. Ask them even if they sound stupid to you. And keep asking until you get answers. If you find yourself feeling lonely, isolated, depressed, resentful and/or angry, you need to find someone to confide in. It's okay to need help. Having a baby is a life-changing event and one that can be difficult to adjust to even when the baby is planned let alone when the baby comes out of no where and turns your world upsidedown. There is no shame in seeking help for depression or anxiety. This goes hand in hand with realizing that you aren't supposed to do this alone. It is reasonable and good to need and seek support.

For more information on what's reasonable, check out Child Behavior Myths. Finally, keep this piece of timeless advice from the famed Dr. Spock in mind, "Relax. Trust yourself. You know your baby better than anyone else."

Teen Pregnancy Information Center

To communicate without words...