| No More Denying… Part 2 The Dawning Disclaimer: Paramount own Star Trek, but I just wanted to borrow the characters for a while. Rating R Author’s note: This is my story and therefore belongs to me. Summary: This follows The Party and is set the same evening, following the second celebration of Voyager’ homecoming. Anyone who hasn’t read part 1 and would like to, please e-mail me. Kathryn and Mark left Voyager and returned to Earth, to the apartment that she called home. They walked in virtual silence from the transporter site. He stole glances at her, noting that she seemed far away from him. They had known each other since they were kids, yet tonight it felt as though he was walking with a stranger. They stood at her door, him watching as she keyed in her security code and the doors slide back. Kathryn walked into the room with Mark following. She kicked off her shoes and began fidgeting with the clasp on her necklace. “Here, let me…” He crossed the distance between them. His fingers smoothing her shoulders before removing the necklace, letting it drop into her hand. She took a step to move away but he gently pulled her back, his hands on her shoulders. He lowered his head; breathing softly on her neck before his lips began planting soft kisses. His finger tips stroking her arms. She shrugged… “Mark…” He murmured against her ear “Oh Kath…..” The desire was heavy in his voice, as his fingers left her arms to trace a pattern up her bare spine. His breathing was getting heavier. She broke free. “I’m sorry….I don’t feel…..” He let out a sigh, dropping his arms to his sides. “I’m sorry Mark…but it’s late…I’m tired…” She walked to the table and placed the necklace on it. He watched her from behind “Are you sure that’s the reason Kath?” He noticed her shoulders tensing. “Isn’t there something else?” She shook her head and walked to the replicator she had no intention of pursuing this line of conversation. “Coffee, black….” Mark recognized what she was doing. She was avoiding him, pretending that everything was all right. He realised that they had never quarrelled, that he had always taken the hint and kept quiet when she didn’t want to talk about something. Well not tonight, they had been putting this off long enough. He drew in a breath… “Kath…We’ve got to talk…” He saw her stiffen, the walls coming up, shutting him out, like she had done so many times in the last two years. “Please Kath…” He waited until she faced him. Her eyes fleetingly looked at him before resting on the mug in her hands. She walked rigidly to the sofa and sat, taking a sip of the coffee. Trying to gather her thoughts, trying to make sense of the feelings she had been feeling all evening. He watched her, unable to sit himself, his body full of tension, the urge to vomit strong within him. He had never been so scared in his life; the thought of losing her again, was more than he could stand. But now, the questions he had never wanted to ask just would not go away. He took a deep breath. “Kath….I know we both agreed not to ask each other about the last nine years….” She winced, remembering how difficult she had found it coming to terms with the fact that Mark had married someone else…Had a life with someone else…It was something they had agreed not to discuss. Trying to forget the years that had separated them. “…But I’ve got to know….What happened between you and Chakotay on Voyager?” She looked at him before quietly replying “Nothing.” Mark noticed that there seemed to be something else in her voice…regret? He wanted to push it further “Are you sure?” She snorted, anger flicking within her blue eyes “Of course I’m sure Mark!…” “I mean it’s just…..” Kathryn started to get defensive “What? You don’t think I’d have noticed if I’d slept with him!” Mark’s face paled and Kathryn knew she had hurt him. The evening wasn’t quite going to plan. She softened her voice “Mark..I’m sorry…” He recovered quickly “Do you know what I heard tonight Kath – from your own crew?” She shook her head wondering what was coming next, hearing the angry edge in his voice “I heard them speculating about you and him, how many times you used to touch him on the bridge, the amount of times you called him… (His voice rises)… into your ready room…How could you do that to me? Embarrass me like that… I had to stand there listening to them insinuating about my… future wife and her commander!” Kathryn fixes him with an icy glare…*enough’s enough* “Chakotay no longer holds the rank of commander….” As soon as she said this, she regret it. He looked at her incredulously “Is that all you can say?” Kathryn’s anger started to show “This is getting ridiculous! I’m not going to stand here and defend myself against ship gossip.” She placed the cup on the table and started heading for the other room. “I saw it for myself Kath…” She stopped in her tracks, turning to look at him as his anger erupted. He was pushing his fingers through his hair in frustration. His cheeks reddened as his voice choked. “….Your hands were all over him! …Tell me…did you ever sleep with him?” “How dare you!” “Did you sleep with him?” “It’s none of your business…..” “God damnit! Why can’t you just answer me?” Kathryn screamed…… “No! I didn’t sleep with him…” “Did you want to?” She began to shake her head, and started to turn away “I’m not going……” Mark felt his anger fading, the tears beginning to swell behind his eyes as he took her by the shoulders and looked into her face “I saw the way you looked at him Kath!…..” She looked at him, not knowing what to say. His grip on her lessoned “You’ve never looked at me…like that…with that kind of longing…” Kathryn’s voice faltered as she spoke “It’s late…..” She tried to turn away, Marks voice filled with determination as he reached for her arm “No Kath, we’re going to talk about this, no matter how much you don’t want to….or how much it’s going to hurt…” Her eyes reflected her determination. “He was my friend Mark…Nothing more!” “Why not?…you were both single…thousands of light years away from home…all those lonely nights….” A hint of sarcasm had crept into his voice She glared at him “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, …I’m not stupid Kath…he’s always wanted you hasn’t he?” Kathryn rubbed her forehead and sighed, the fight draining from her. Mark watched her, the truth dawning on him… “And you’ve always known that haven’t you?” “Alright yes!” She paused before continuing “I knew how he felt about me! But nothing happened!” “Why Kath? Why not?” Her anger flareed again “I couldn’t! I was the captain…Chakotay was my first officer…There are rules….” His response was icy “How very Starfleet of you Kath.!” His went quiet, thinking about what she had said, or what she hadn’t said. When he spoke he was calm “And that was the only reason…” “No!” Silence. They stood looking at one another. All the emotions they had thought were buried, written in each other’s faces. Two years spent trying not to speak of the past…pretending that things were the same as before…They had to sort this out…She needed Mark…didn’t she? She banished the doubt before it fully surfaced. She looked him in the eyes “Mark, please believe me, I was never unfaithful to you, even after I knew of your marriage…I always hoped that one day…” She softened “I’m not going to lie to you and say I wasn’t lonely at night. There were nights when I cried myself to sleep, when I longed to be held…but I didn’t…” She paused searching for a response on his face, tears forming in her eyes “You were the last man that I slept with…and you were the first after all that time…” They both remembered that first night back together…how good it had felt…the hunger they had…how gentle he had been not to hurt her. The memories started to arouse Kathryn. She needed to be close to him again. She placed her hands on his face, her voice becoming husky… “Seven years is a long time to be on your own….” She moved to kiss him, breathing his name softly against his lips. “Mark….” He pulled away before their lips touched. It would be so easy to let her…To feel her next to him…To make love to her…He saw the desire in her eyes being replaced by confusion …He wanted her…God knows how he wanted her. It was taking all his control not to take her into his arms, but he was haunted by the image of her looking at Chakotay…He had to know… “Do you love him Kath?” Her hands withdrew to her sides. She felt as though she had just been punched. He caught her off guard and she tried to answer him as he continued. “I’ve always known that the love you had for me wasn’t the same as your love for Justin. You… just grew to love me…because I was there for you…It wasn’t the same kind of passionate love was it?” Kathryn watched him, mouth open, he had never said any of this before “You thought I didn’t know? Didn’t know that I was always second best?” “No…..” “But it didn’t matter Kath…..at least that’s what I thought…that’s what I told myself…I love you, always have and I want you, but seeing you with Chakotay tonight…it made me realise….You can never love me in that way…The same way I love you.” His voice took on a hint of resignation “No! I love you Mark…”. Desperation echoed in her voice “In two months we’re going to be married…I’m going to be your wife!” “Tell me..Why have you put the wedding off for so long? Why didn’t we marry me sooner? Why have we waited? ” Again she is knocked off balance, this was getting too much…she couldn’t think…her head was spinning…she walked away heading for the cold coffee. “We’ve both been working, don’t try to pin all the blame…” Kathryn knew herself that had sounded lame. Mark’s anger surfaced again… “You’ve got time owing you! You can take a vacation any time you want.. Yet you always have to run away on some mission…” “I’m a Starfleet captain Mark!….” “You use that as an excuse to run away…from me…from us..” His voice lost the anger, only sadness remained as he looked at her “ You’ve changed Kath…the woman I said goodbye to all those years ago isn’t the same one that’s standing here now…” She resorted to coldness, clicking the side of her mouth… “Well seven years in the Delta Quadrant will do that to you…” “Damn you Kath…I love you more than anything in this world… Always have….I’d give you anything…But you’ve always kept me on the outside…never letting me in!” She grunted, her anger simmering “All this time together and yet you still won’t live with me, will you?” “It works like this for us…” “Works for who Kath?…Not me! I miss you when you’re not with me. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night and wake up with you still there every morning…not just the times when I’m allowed to stay the night…” He pointed at his overnight bag on the floor “You won’t even let me share your wardrobe…let alone your life! Are you afraid to be with me?” “No! You can move in tomorrow if that’s what all this is about..” “This is about what you want!” She snorted loudly, shaking her head “This is getting ridiculous ….” “Just answer me!….What do you want?” “Mark… I’m marrying you!” “You make that sound like a sentence!” She threw her arms up in the air turning away from him “I give up! I don’t know what you want me to say..” When he spoke his voice was filled with pleading “Just tell me…tell me that you’re not in love with Chakotay..that it’s me that you want…that I’m enough.” She turned, her face flushed, her eyes locking with his, seeing the depth of his pain. “Tonight….watching you both together….him holding you…” Kathryn fought against remembering how his arms had felt around her “…the way you looked at him…it …hurt Kath….” The tears that he had been fighting all night began to trickle down his face. She looked at him, her own tears falling…Here was the man that she was due to marry…that she’d loved for so long…crying because of her…she had never seen him cry before. God knows she didn’t want to hurt him…She crossed to him and placed her arms around his back, looking up into his face “Mark…I love you… “Just not enough Kath…not enough” There didn’t seem anything else for her to say. They stood holding each other. His tears fell onto her head, whilst hers made a wet patch on his shirt. Dawn filtered through the blinds at the window; it had been a long night. He had come to a decision, but carrying it out was going to be hardest thing he had ever done. He broke away from her embrace, holding her face within his hands. Every cell in his body aching…His heart telling him not to let her go…his head telling him that he has no choice…He wiped away a tear from her cheek…. “I think it’s best if we don’t see each other again….” A sob caught in her throat “Mark…don’t…” She started to cry again “I think it’s …” His tears were blinding his vision “…the right thing to do…” “Please…” “Don’t try to contact me Kath…I couldn’t bare it….I just need time on my own….We were foolish to think that we could just go back to the way we were…..” He kissed the top of her head, her arms trying in vain to hold on to him. He picked up his holdall and started for the door. As the door slid open he turned back to her, wanting to take one last look, memorizing her every detail, the way the sunlight was shinning on her hair…How tiny she looked…One last look at her face…her pain as evident as his own…her arms stretched out to him… “Mark…we can work it out….” He shook his head as they exchanged a look, both knowing that this was the only answer. Whatever they had shared was long gone, it could never work. “I’ve loved you a long time Kath….One day, when I’m over you….I hope we can be friends….But that’s going to take a long time…..” He walked out of the door and her life as she dropped to her knees sobbing. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ |
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