- Abbey: Like Martha Stuart without the scandels.

- Adam: Pilot with strange insults. My dad shut down his flying club.

- Alex: One of those artsy types. Most likely to dismember Harry Potter.

- Amawu (Amy): Amy will one day take over the world. She brings new respectability to the term "evil genius."

- Brandon: Smells like a hamster and looks like a Greek. Father of my children.

- Candie: Sweet like her name to my soul.

- Chris: Pretty cool, for a freshman.

- Clayto: A strange boy indeed. But for one whose buddy icon is Jonathan Edwards, what do you expect?

- Clive Staples: I wish my middle name was an office supply...

- Danno: Famous for his insanely symbolic yet unfinished works of art. And his oddly shaped mouth.

- David: Bona fide Hoosier. Was once employee of the month at McDonald's.

- Drew: A nerd in love. Also a Chilean stripper.

- Emad: Maybe the funniest guy I know. Also a member of Al Caida. I'm not kidding.

- Eric: We often take advantage of his small size. But come on - who else could fit through air conditioning ducts?

- Frodo: My husband. He may have nine fingers, but he knows how to use them. And yes, he lives.

- Guatey: He may be illegal, but he's one fine Latino.

- Holden: A good kid. Not phony at all.

- Ian: A month old and already the sexiest man alive.

- Jack: Like me only less stressed. The bane of many teachers' existence.

- Jason: One smooth guy. Sometime I'd love to see him do something clumsy or stupid. It'll happen eventually.

- Jayne: Freakishly good artist. She'll sell her stuff for millions while the rest of us starve.

- Jen: It's BACON!!!

- John A: Pretty lanky for a terrorist.

- John Ronald Reuel: A good friend of mine... until it comes to politics.

- Josh: Usually has the opinion no one else agrees with. One huge fro.

- Judd: My soul mate. True, we've never met and we only talked because the person I was calling wasn't there... but I know it's meant to be.

- Karen: Furry and funny. Fits comfortably into most overhead compartments.

- Katie: One incredibly tall chick. Thinking about Wheaton or Davidson. I hope she doesn't meet Clayton... it may bias her against Wheaton.

- Kevin: Electrocuted, beaten, and run over by a train as a child. Or so he says.

- Keller: Tall, dark, and handsome. A cheeseburger and yet a taco. Speaks Klingon.

- Kim: Master of physics, biology, and fitting into small places. Once blew up her kitchen in a science project gone wrong.

- Kyle: Jason Fox was created based on Kyle. Diabolical with a calculator.

- Lane: A geek in the purest sense. This guy puts Chris Pirillo to shame.

- Lee: The sex appeal of the youth group. A nice guy.

- Lennie: The more she eats, the thinner she gets. Is that even possible?!

- Lindsay N: Unlike TNT, she knows drama. Why not get her autograph now, before she becomes famous?

- Lindsay W: She keeps the rest of us in line. Also, she is Northwestern bound. Hooray!

- Margie: The object of many people's affection. About yea high.

- Maria: Countess of Monte Cristo. We may all end up working for her someday.

- Mark: British chap. His long, beautiful blonde hair bounces when he plays soccer.

- Mandy: Stupid Brave enough to spend time in Israel right before a war. Shoots blood out of her nose in self defense.

- Megan: Dogs don't know it's not Megan!

- Mike: DDR Champion. Available.

- Nathaniel: He seems so harmless, but then you realize that he might be plotting your death. But probably not.

- Neil: His name is Blade, and he is a dork.

- Noah: Built an ark to survive the flooding of the world. Blue hair.

- Patrick: I can't say anything bad, because he's right here.

- Paul: Just an easy-going guy.

- Paula: A beautiful lady. Her marriage has been compared to Beauty and the Beast and Lady and the Tramp.

- Raskolnikov: A murderer, but improving. He helps me with my term paper.

- Rebeccah: Washes trucks, drives carriages. A true cowgirl.

- Samwise: Famous for uproarious facial expressions. That and cutting his wrists open by jumping through a China cabinet.

- Tristan: Succulent and intimidating. Has an Animal in his trunk.

- Yossarian: Naked and AWOL... my hero.