| October 28, 2004 It's been so long since I updated this site...where to begin? Well, I started my new job with First Health on June 14, 2004. Best move I ever made. alpha review was a NIGHTMARE! at least now I work with cool people & feel like I fit in finally! I'm starting to look into plastic surgery. Or as WLS people call it...reconstructive surgery. I'm gonna make an appt with Dr. Madry soon! He works with the Kane's group, thank God. At least I'm familiar with them. I can't believe how far I've come since 4/29/03. Down almost 120lbs, and soooo many inches. I can't WAIT to get this damn 20 or so lbs of pannus off me! ugh...my back is constantly hurting, and the rashes are just pissing me off! GRRRR! i can't wait to see how hot I'm gonna look after the skin comes off. I applied for Extreme Makeover. Gonna make my video on Sunday (halloween). I have to come up with something clever to catch their attention. I want it all done! Arms, chin, legs, thighs, panni, abdominoplasty, the works! Hell, if I don't have to pay for it or fight with insurance, why not go for it? Plus I love to flirt, and get attention from men. What girl doesn't? Nothing wrong with flirting, eh? I just hate the way I look now. I look a helluva lot better than I did 120lbs ago, but now the skin...I didn't realize how ugly it was. How heavy it was. But it's all good. On the down-side, grandfather was DX'd with Parkinson's last month. lovely! Hopefully he'll be ok. The meds seem to be helping, thank God! Watched this movie over the weekend on Lifetime TV. It's called "Our Mother's Murder". It was about an abusive husband. Boy did it take me back! I think it was too much for me. The PTSD and the flashbacks are coming out of nowhere. I was very uncomfortable watching this movie, but I think it was very necessary to remember what I went thru so many years ago. Very humbling. I know my sister still doesn't understand why I stayed with Adam so long. But abusive men have this power over the women they're abusing. When I finally started to tell my friends & family...that's when that bastard lost his power over me. I don't know why after all these years I'm STILL thinking back on that part of my life, but I am. The bruises, the name calling, the scars. Being afraid to come home. Dreading the sound of the garage door opening. Him choking me until I almost went unconscious. The knife to my throat, the punch under the rib cage up into my heart. It's like it happened yesterday. Why? This is not my life anymore. I am seeing the Scorpions tomorrow night. That group brings back memories of Adam. I hear a song by them..."I can't explain"...and I go right back to 1991...going up to Ripon, WI to see Adam at college. I feel the way I felt back then...the anticipation of seeing the man I loved...who I would find out later in the 90's did not love me back. How can someone beat the shit out of you, rape you & emotionally fuck you up & say they love you and actually love you? HOW? I just want to know. I dunno...maybe this whole concert thing is to blame for these memories coming out. Whatever it is, I hope it goes away! It's pissing me off that I'm STILL wasting time on that reptilian jerkoff. SO...now that I've bitched & moaned about what my deal is lately...I can move on. Maybe seeing it in print will help get over it more. I will NEVER forget what he did to me. and I may never forgive him. But I can pray that he never remarries. If only I had the power to stop any woman from being in his path. Keep her safe from hurricane Adam. Well, I hope that once I get my PS done, I run into that ass clown, and he sees what he missed out on. that will be a sweet IN YOUR FACE JERK for me. lol. i'm a little bitter. hee hee. but it's all good. or it will be. one day. That said, i'm gonna stop now. lol. I've also updated the picture section. I have old pix until I can get new ones taken. Ciao! |
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