| June 6, 2004 WOW, it's been a looong time since i updated this thing. what's been going on? hmmm..well, mike & i FINALLY got a second vehicle. a minivan. i think we got it two weeks ago. almost 2 weeks ago. and then a week ago this past friday i got a new job! i start a week from monday. the weight loss is going ok i guess. it's really hard. i should never have started eating sugar! omg, i can't believe how addicting it is! chocolate, haribo gummy bears (the best ever, i might add...lol) and white reeses cups and m & m's. sugar is the devil! it's the reason i got up over 350 and the reason i struggle now. i never understood the whole "Food Addict" thing until now. i never had to deal with it til now. never cared until after surgery, and then up until 10 mos post op...never had the urge to eat all the surgary stuff i had eaten pre op. am i weak? yes. am i human? yes. did i have this surgery to diet the rest of my life? no. can i allow myself to fall back into old patters...HELL NO! but...i can allow myself to enjoy bad stuff once in a while without feeling guilty or being made to feel guilty. So then why am I trying to justify this to all who are reading this? I don't know. maybe cuz i feel so frickin guilty about how i've abused my tool. bagels, candy, all the bad stuff that got me to 350...it's happening again. why????? cuz i'm human. i have the power to stop it. i've started exercising again. got a new bike. been out with it three times...the first was the day i got it. just buzzed around the complex once. the second time, mike & i rode 8 miles, and then friday night i did 10 miles. stepping on the scale and seeing it thisclose to 230 is SO great! but the reason i've been on a 4 month plateau is my own damn fault! i have no one to blame but me. so why...after all i went thru...all the pain and spasms i had after surgery, why in God's beautful name would i dare to go back to old habits? because i am a food addict. now and forever. and like anyone else addicted to things, i must take it one day at a time. when i find myself dreaming about what to eat next, i should ride my bike, or take the dog for a walk. SHOULD. i see other people on spotlight and they are doing so great! i saw one girl, don't know her name, but she started out at 379...just 40 lbs more than me, and she had her wls after me, and she's under 180 now. i feel SO much guilt over this, as that could have been me if i hadn't started eating everything in sight, and giving in to my cravings. i could have been 180 by now! then i would be at my personal goal. but nope...i am far from that now. i feel like i've squandered this precious window that i was given. they say i have up to 18 months to lose all my excess weight. well...i'm 13 months out now...i have 5 months? omg...panic mode! i feel like i've blown it. maybe not...maybe if i buckle down and get my act together i can still make it. some people lose up to 2 years! i can do this. and then after my benefits kick it, i will seek out a plastic surgeon to do my panni and then have my kids. this extra skin is holding me back! back pain, hygenically, etc... i can wear an 18 top, but 22 pants because of my second ass. and it's getting in the way when i exercise. it hurts my back. so...this is where i'm at in my journey. just over 13 months post op...and struggling every day. mike is going back & using fitday. he's so disciplined about his eating. maybe it will rub off on me! i hope! that's it for now. gotta get ready for my dad's party today. |
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