| June 2002 Marcie’s WLS journal Tonight I decided that I was going to start a journal of my WLS journey. Since I am in the beginning stages of this process, I thought this would be a good place to start. As of today’s date, I am 31 years old and 341 lbs at last weigh in at Curves, on Monday May 20th of this year. Who would have thought I would even CONSIDER surgery for weight loss a year ago. A year ago I was living in Wisconsin and had lost nearly 80 lbs on my own, just by exercising and eating better. Who knew that less than a year later I would gain it all back. A year ago I felt so GREAT! I had energy to burn, my back and knees didn’t hurt so much. I had a long way to go, but I was half way there. Now I’ve back peddled BIG TIME, and my depression is worse than ever! People who have never had a weight problem don’t understand what I go thru every day of my life! People think if I just eat less and exercise more, that will make me thin. Well, I’ve come to the realization that it WON’T make me thin. Statistics PROVE that morbidly obese people, like myself, are meant to FAIL at diets. They don’t work on people MY weight. I’m only 5’7”…I shouldn’t weight this much! Every day is a fight to get up in the morning. I have no energy, I’m exhausted, my diabetes is out of control, my blood pressure is high, I’m depressed, my knees hurt, my head aches, my back is always going out. What kind of life is this? My family, although supportive of my decision, is probably wondering what the heck I’m thinking getting myself purposely cut open to lose weight. Well, I’ll tell ya…it’s called my last chance. Sure, I could die on the table, but I could also have a heart attack next week and die. People who have never been morbidly obese, do not understand the pain of being MO. How it hurts to have to wonder if the chair I’m gonna sit on will break, or if the airplane seatbelt will go around my stomach…will I need a seatbelt extender this time? How people stare at me when I go to the store…like I’m gonna buy all the junk food and eat it in one sitting. Or if I go to a restaurant…people stare at me like I’m gonna make good on the “All you can eat” policy. Or having to gauge the space between chairs or tables, and wondering if I’m gonna fit thru it, or am I gonna push someone in the back of the head with my huge abdomen flap. Wondering if the shirt I just ordered from Catherine’s or Lane Bryant catalogue will be long enough to cover my huge drooping abdomen flap. It’s embarrassing. I know there are people out there who blame the MO for being that way. They say, “stop eating ho ho’s and exercise!” Yeah, if only it were that easy. I think thin people who have never been MO should have to wear a sympathy belly…sort of like the kind people wear to experience how it feels to be pregnant. Have them wear it for a MONTH, and then see how it feels. Yeah, I could exercise…if I wasn’t so freakin’ exhausted from climbing 5 stairs! Sure my eating habits got me where I am today…but I’ve tried and failed all diets. I can lose the weight…but I can never keep it off. I fantasize about riding a bicycle without worrying that the tires will pop under my weight. I fantasize about doing cartwheels in the grass, or only buying ONE seat on an airplane, or sitting on a roller coaster at Great America. These are things most people take for granted. Luckily my car has seatbelts that I like to call “fat friendly”. They fit around me with room to spare. My old car was not like that. Many times I went without a seatbelt, simply because I got too flustered to deal with trying to fit it around my gut. So I am to this point. I now realize that it’s not my fault that I failed at all my diets. Dieting is for people with less than 20 lbs to lose. Not for me. I have at LEAST 150-200 to lose. These people at work are all on the Weight Watchers bandwagon. They look at me like I’m some fat cow that shouldn’t be eating what I do. I just want to scream at them, “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!” They don’t know the pain I endured growing up obese. Being picked last for all the gym class teams, trying to find a swimsuit that fit me for swim class in gym, worrying about showering…that girls would see me in the buff, being as big as I was then. Being called horrible names by people I didn’t even know. Being moo’ed at out of car windows as I walked to the store. Food has been my only source of comfort until now. I am learning to replace the need to binge with other things like journaling, playing free cell, and singing. It’s not easy. I, like many others, am an emotional eater. I refused to say that out loud until recently. I didn’t want to admit that I ate to comfort myself. I think I have this oral fixation…I always need something in my mouth, whether it’s food, or a hard candy, or gum…it doesn’t matter. But because of the spotlight health support groups, I realized that I can do this! My whole life is waiting for me. I am SO excited about this journey. And Michael is doing it with me. He’s going to get his surgery done first, since he’s about 100 lbs heavier than me, and can barely walk. At least in my case, I can do some exercise…even tho it hurts a lot at times. I hate being out of breath when I do little things, like climb a few stairs, or dry myself off in the shower, or turn over in bed. It really sucks being like this. And I’m ready to do this. I’m ready to give my life over to these surgeons and have them give me my life back. I’m only now beginning this journey. I’m going to be sending in my paperwork tomorrow or Thursday. I need to get this ball rolling. We’ll see how quick Weight For Life can get me approved. Hopefully I won’t have to wait more than 12 weeks, which is now the average waiting time for approval. I know my Aetna HMO will cover it…it’s just a matter of satisfying their criteria. I’m a perfect candidate for this surgery. My BMI is 53.5, which is considered severely morbidly obese…my co-morbidities include: diabetes, high blood pressure, depression…just to name a few. It’s a big step…but one I’m ready for. I’m going to keep a journal from today until after the surgery, and then post it online for all to read. I’ve only told my sister, and my parents. I won’t tell anyone else until after the surgery. I just don’t need any negativity in this. My husband and I support each other in this, and dream about the day we can have sex without feeling like we’re going to have a heart attack, or put our socks and shoes on without getting out of breath, or take the dog for a walk and look forward to it. We both want to be healthy and active adults. Plus we want a family, and I refuse to be a MO mom. I don’t want MO children. I refuse to have my kids go thru the torture I went thru as an MO child. I wouldn’t wish that hatred on my worst enemy. And so Marcie’s journey begins………. July 5, 2002: I am awaiting insurance approval from Aetna HMO. I sent all my paperwork in to Weight For Life. I also have to be tested now for possible sleep apnea. If I have it, that can set my journey back SIX MONTHS! How bad would THAT suck? WOW! My husband, Mike, on the other hand, just got approved on Wed, July 3rd. He said if Aetna denies me, he'll put me on his insurance and then I can get the surgery, cuz his insurance covers it. What a sweetie! I was a little bummed when the girl from Weight For Life called and told me that Aetna needs one YEAR of dr. supervised diet. Well, come to find out, that the six month diabetes education I attended can be used for a dr. supervised diet because I was watching my carb intake. That made me happy! So, I have to get a hold of the RD or the RN I was doing my one on one education with, and have them fax proof out to WFL in California. Lord, PLEASE let Aetna approve me. I SO need this surgery. I'm scared because I am an out of control eater. Which, of course is why I'm so darn M.O. But, I've been in counseling with Holly since 1996, when I got divorced from my very abusive husband (which also contributed to my turning to food for comfort) and I have been working with her on food issues and what I can start doing NOW to avoid emotional eating, so that after I have the surgery, I can deal with not eating so much. |
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