July 24, 2002
I haven't journaled for a while, so I figured it was time to sit and write. I am waiting on pins and needles for Weight For Life to submit my papers to Aetna. After that I get to wait 15-30 days to see if they'll approve me. I keep trying not to talk about this surgery with my family, as they don't understand, but it's hard cuz I'm so excited, just thinking about life on "the other side". I can't remember when I was under 200lbs. It's been a looong time. I hate feeling so crappy every day. Trying desperately to stay awake at work, while fighting to keep my stats up so I'll still have a job next month. I love my new car, but if I hadn't gotten it, I wouldn't have to work, and then I could concentrate on me. I am so SICK of the little "boys" I work with...snickering at me behind my back. I thought some people were above that, but I guess they are not. I'm sick of the whispers and people practically JUMPING out of the way when I come down the hall. I mean, good grief! I don't take up the WHOLE HALLWAY. Why do people do that? I still think this one nurse I work with has an aversion to overweight people. She is the size of a broomstick soaking wet. Must be nice. I hate feeling sorry for myself, but man...I can't take the being out of breath, the sciatica and my back going out all the time because of my huge gut flap. I hate the rashes that come under that flap, or under my boobs. I hate my double chin, and my flabby huge arms. I joined Curves in May, I went once to that location in South Elgin. Then I had my papers transferred over to the Wheaton location, and doggone it if I can't get my lazy butt motivated to work out. I was a member of the Hales Corners Curves in Wisconsin when I lived there last year and lost a bunch of weight. Of course I was losing it for someone else...not for me. That's the wrong reason to lose weight...you have to want it for yourself. The thing is, I have a lot more stomach now than I did when I was in Curves last year. I had lost a total of 80lbs, and of course now I've successfully gained 90-95 back, and I'm so tired all the time and depressed, etc...that I can't find the motivation or the desire to go to Curves, even tho it's the most awesome workout place in the world! What is wrong with me? I think I'm gonna suspend my membership until I get the surgery. Or should I? I don't know anymore. I used to LOVE Curves. I would go 4-5 times a WEEK! Now look at me...out of breath, rather sit on the couch than exercise. Mike bought me the AB DOER that I wanted for my birthday last year. It's been sitting in our living room since last August, and I've used it like 5 times. What a waste of money. And our lifecycle in the bedroom? A clothes hanger/dust collector. I'm hungry all the time, I eat nothing but crap...I o.d. on snowcaps, and chips. Just a year ago, I was ordering BROCCOLI when I'd go out to eat. What a change for the worse this past year has been. I'm jealous that Mike is getting his surgery first. I know we decided that he'd go first, but I wish it were me. I love my hubby to death, and I know you shouldn't be jealous of your husband, you should be supportive, and I am...it's just hard seeing him going to consults, etc...and my papers haven't even been submitted yet. **SIGH**
Every time Mike and I try to eat better, it lasts for like a day, and then we go back to our bad habits, and get Dairy Queen and pizza. Now I have to go and be tested for possible sleep apnea. Mike only had to see one dr...Dr. Hart. I told Lisa at Dr. Harts office my symptoms, and she set me up to see TWO dr's that day...Dr. Hart and someone else...I want to say his name is Massey. I wonder what they think I have???? Guess I'll have to wait and see. I just hope I can get a note saying I'm going in for testing for sleep apnea so I can save my crummy job...lol. And a week from this Saturday is my birthday. I'll be 32. I remember a year ago on my b-day we buried Aunt Mary. Sad day. Another sad fact about that day...I could fit into a skirt and top I hadn't been able to wear since my first marriage. Hmmm.....how depressing is that? I sure can't fit into it now. And my marriage to Mike in Feb. My wedding gown is a size 28. It was tight the day we got married. It won't even FIT now I bet. And the bridesmaid dress I wore for Julianne's wedding last Sept...that was tight too, but it sure doesn't fit anymore...that was a size 24...man...I sure expanded in a year. But ya know...to put a postive spin on all this...one day I'll be able to not only WEAR these dresses, I'll have to have them taken in cuz I'll have lost so much weight! And that makes me feel better. Plus Mike and I decided that after we both have the surgery and are down close to our goal weights (him = 180ish - me = 150ish) we're going BACK to Vegas and renew our vows as new people. New bodies, new life, renewed love. I can't WAIT!!!! |
