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  So, inside I'm aware of a dichotomy of nature, two distinct, but inseparable paradigms, two different ways of viewing the universe, as well as two totally different ways that the universe can view me.
  
  The public, external me, is a 6 foot tall, 190 pound, adult male , working as a computer professional and whose interests include several martial arts forms. I also like rock music, computer games, reading (and writing!). I used to play a 13th century Samurai warrior in a medieval re-enactment group, where, amongst other things, I dress up in full armor and fight full-contact, full force, with reproduction medieval weapons made from rattan (similiar to bamboo, but solid, also used to make lawn furniture if we don't rescue it first).I also brew my own beer, and drink it, and like to smoke cigars.
  
  I guess this all makes me far more macho than most ;-)
  
  I also shoot a traditional recurve bow with home-made arrows. I taught introductory level classes in traditional Japanese martial arts (mostly sword forms). I can handle most tools, do some basic carpentry and plumbing when the need arises, build or rebuild most home computers, discuss anything from archaeology to zymurgy, with a particular interest in cosmology. (not, not cosmetology, cosmology, the formation of the universe and how stars, solar systems and galaxies hang together).
  
  The private, inner me, adds a slew of extras to that view, I can sew a little, I can be an excellent sympathetic listener, I can discuss fashion (well, a little bit anyway.), I can cook exotic food, I can talk for hours, or write for hours, I can role-play. I can dream.
  
  But remember, both those sides of me are present at all times. The inner me and the outer me are simply two inseperable aspects of the same person. Dressing up simply switches the internal and external views. Even when wearing a dress, I'm still a guy who likes all of the above, it just allows me to take off that public mask and relax. I no longer have to wear the blue pin-stripe suit, white shirt and 'power' tie. I no longer have to play 'alpha' male.
  
  I can, for a short while, leave all of that stuff behind and move on to explore other things. I can browse through a catalog, looking at the pretty dresses, or the pretty shoes, or the pretty underwear. I can read a romance novel, or watch a romance movie. I can simply relax and enjoy the feeling of silk against my skin, the feeling of several layers of silk (well, ok, rayon,I can't afford silk!) moving as I move. Simple pleasures, but simple pleasures that are denied to me under normal circumstances. If I sat at work, or at home, doing any of those things it would raise questions that I'm not prepared to answer at this point.
  

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mariannef@oocities.com

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