I am sitting here late at night(or early in the morning) thinking about what life will be like in a year. For so long I have felt like I wasn't living life, just surviving. I have separated myself from alot ot people and things because I feel like I don't belong, can't belong. Its been so hard to go into a group of people, even friends or relatives, and keep a cheery disposition because I always have in the back of my mind the thought that im not good enough, or that I dont fit in here. These thoughts are my doing and I know this but it is so difficult to stop the flood of self-doubt. This surgery is not going to be my "magic pill" I know. It will not get rid of my self-doubt and self-loathing. I have to do that myself. The band will help me to exercise some self control and to focus my life on things other than food. How this will affect me I do not know. If I am forced to focus on the rest of my life, what is there to focus on? Therein lies the problem....
Aug. 7, 2002-
The days feel like they are dragging along, taunting me with their slowness. I want it to be sept! I am going on vacation in a few weeks and I can't believe it but I am wishing i could just skip over the vacation and get right to the surgery part. We will be visiting our family in Southern California, and the woman who gave my father her kidney. I want to see them all but I feel like I cannot be myself until after I have this surgery done and can start my life over!
My mother has asked me a few times if I am going to tell anyone about the surgery. I have very mixed feelings about this. I know that my family especially is very supportive and loving. They are well meaning but I just know that many of them would be thinking to themselves that i could have just tried another diet of Weight Watchers again. My cousin Roberta has been on WW for a while and LOVES it, and was all excited when i said i would try it this past year. When i saw her recently and told her that it had'nt worked for me, i could just see her inner voice wondering whether i had 'done it right'. My cousin
Pat is the same way. She has lost tons of weight on her own version of WW and when I told her it had not worked for me she of course asked if i had been doing it right , or excercising. DUH! Of course i was doing it right and excercising. I am not dumb! These are both well meaning family members but if i were to tell them about having WLS now, i think, well i KNOW they would ask why, and try and convince me otherwise. I do NOT need convincing and have made up my mind. Maybe I will feel differently after i have the surgery and have lost some weight. Then I can confidently show people my scars and tell them that I DO NOT malabsorb and how wonderfull this tool is for me. For now, I will wait not-so-patiently for surgery.
Aug. 9, 2002-
Went to the dentist yesterday for a cleaning and checkup. I was kind of dreading this because I had'nt been there in way too long. The cleaning was'nt actually that bad. However, when the dentist actually came and looked at my teeth and x-rays, he stated that I should get all of my wisdom teeth out. Ok, not a big deal in normal circumstances. He even said it is definitely not urgent. I wondered, though, if i should get them done before of after my LapBand surgery. I emailed Dr. Rodriguez and asked him about it. He said to do them before. I also sent in posts to the various Bandster lists and many people have responded with varying opinions. Some say to do it before because I should be healed by the time of my surgery, and some say just to wait. However, this is another kink in the story. We are going on vacation to CA on the 16th! If I actually decide to get the teeth done, i have to do it before we go. That gives me a very short window of opportunity to get this done. I will have to scramble to get an appointment!
Aug. 11, 2002-
Well, I called the oral surgeon on friday and they fit me in for an appt. at 9 am yesterday. Boy was i unprepared for that. Went in yesterday morning and met the dentist. He explained what they would do and offered me either local anesthetic or a general IV sedation. I took the IV because i was nervous and just wanted it to be over with. When i woke up my mouth was packed and numb. It was kind of hard to shake off the effects of the IV. Took alot of deep breaths but finally felt good enough to get up and go home. Slept most of the day yesterday but i ate soups and puddings. Woke up this AM with horrible pain. I was secretly afriad that i had gotten a dry socket. Asked my mom (AKA private nurse LOL) for some advil and went back to sleep. When i woke up later i felt much better. Now i just have to heal. I am glad that i got this over with so that i wont have to ever worry about it again. Now i just wait for the surgery..the real thing!
Aug. 27, 2002-
Its been a while since my last posting. My mouth is all healed and I just returned from vacation in sunny Southern California. We visited family and went to San Diego and Palm SPrings for some R&R. It was really nice. The only problem was that my allergies did a really bad rebound thing. I got so sick there but i think alot of it had to do with the fact that i was staying at my Aunt and uncles house who have a dog and it was a bit dusty there. Although i would have loved to go to a hotel room, my mom felt like she couldn't tell them that i was sick there and i had to wait it out. I am still healing now from the damage that it did and i resent her insistance to stay. They would have TOTALLY understood, they are caring and loving people. I am now concerned that my immune system has been compromised from the sever allergy attack i had while there. I saw my allergist today and she said that i am on the highest amount of drugs I can be on without taking steriods which would obviously compromise healing after surgery. She basically told me I should have stayed in a hotel.. NO S@$%! Ok, now that i got that out, hopefully i will not rebound in SA. Please pray that i can be healthy for surgery!
