| Then I go to the side of feeling guilty for wanting more. We have Charlie and he is healthy and perfect in every way. I should just be thankful that we do have one! I have a friend from high school who has none. Her husband had cancer before they were married and all his sperm were knocked out with the chemo. She agonizes over that. I feel guilty that I am not more thankful for the one I have when she and I talk. Then I have another friend who has had 2 miscarriages, and they adopted a little girl. She is a sweetie. I feel like I should just be grateful to have what I do. And I am! But I want more! I wanted Amanda. I wanted her at that time in our lives. Our children were 2 years and 2 months apart. It was supposed to be perfect! But it wasn't. People tell me that God has a plan in all of this. That He will use it for His glory. Well, that is all fine and dandy. But what about my broken heart? What about this deep longing I have in my heart? Am I just supposed to ignore it? I feel like such a failure. My body failed me. I failed me. I failed my husband and son.....Somedays I dream of things that could happen to me so that I could die. Like, if I drove my car real fast into a tree and it looked like an accident. Then I could be dead, and maybe the pain would go away. Then I think of Chuck and Charlie and how much pain that would cause them.......and then I feel guilty all over again. It has been over 2 years, and I still cry. I still cannot go longer than a week without this ripping horrid pain in my heart. I don't want to be around people. But I force myself to act all normal and fine. I do it for Chuck and Charlie. They do not deserve to have me all depressed and sad all the time, so I hide it from them real well. |
Chuck wonders why I spend so much time on the computer. Well, it is beacuse I do not get hurt by people's well-meaning comments online. No one tells me, oh you are young you'll have more....or.....at least you have Charlie....or....at least your baby wasn't born yet, it would have been harder if she were 5, or 15 or 30.....or.....I lost my child at age 5, 15, or 30 and it is much, much harder. sooooo much harder. Blah blah blah blah.....AS IF you can even compare grief! How dare people say those things to me!! I just want to slap them when they do! I want to just scream and scream and scream until they go away. I just cannot take it anymore. So I try to escape into computer land. I have friends online who have lost babies, they understand. They have been or are in my shoes. I found compassion. |