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| Sometimes Life hurts...... |
| December 16, 2002- Well its been awhile since I wrote in here. We have been busy. We moved the week before Thanksgiving. We now live by the mountains. It is beautiful here, but lonley. We moved 8 hours away from any family, we know nobody here. It has been hard. I know that the Lord will sustain me and only give me what I can handle, but wow, this is hard. I miss my friends so very much. It is so strange to not have anyone to visit or call. I have never moved anywhere before like this. And still we are not pregnant. I find myself wondering if we will ever have more children. I long so much to have another. I know that our son would love a brother or sister. To make myself not think of it so much, I have consumed myself with things for my son. We go somewhere everyday. The YMCA for swimming, the library for Story Hour, the walking path to collect sticks, the stores around town to browse, the post office, he loves to get the mail. It is always something. I think I am trying hard to immerse myself in Charlie so I do not have to think about what I need. I need a friend. Life hurts. Sometimes it seems unbearable. And just when I think that I cannot go on, Charlie comes up to me and says something dear, like," Mommy you are my bestest friend." And then I know that I can go on. I have been praying for God to allow me to find peace with Him as my friend. I talk to Him about everything, but sometimes we just need God with skin on. We put up the tree and got Charlie some presents, and he is going to have a wonderful Christmas if it takes everything I have in me! He deserves that. I feel so guilty that I want another. I think that Charlie shoudl be enough, but I want more. He is such a great lil guy. And I wonder if at times I ignore him in my grief. I try not to, but..... Well, since we moved and Hubby changed jobs, we have put off any more doctoring. I was supposed to start Clomid the day we loaded up to move, so I cancelled it. I think it would have been too stressful to start it. So since the insurance is changing, I will not go the the Dr. here till it is effective. So we are in limbo AGAIN! Anyways, this is the most recent stuff that is happening here. |
| February 28th, 2003- I had a period on my own at the beginning of the month, what a miracle. Must be because I am exersizing and am more active now. That was great! We are sick here. Charlie and I have the fever/flu. ICK! We took a really long nap today. That was nice. I am really tired out and worn down. Amanda's 3rd Heavenly Birthday is comming up.....I have been a bit depressed about that. It is March 2nd. I wonder what we will do to remember her. I wonder if anyone in real life will remember??? We shall see..... I have joined a really awesome online support group. It is called Kota Press. I am adding a link to it, for if you want to go and check it out. It is a grief support group for women who have lost babies. It is so good for me. Well that is it.....just waiting on the ever-elusive period! |
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