Asylum Seekers

by Martin McVay

2004 Edition


"Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?" - Bob Monkhouse


Summary

Part 1: Earth, 2003

  • A lady returns home and is outraged at the goings-on
  • An accident is reported
  • A gathering of the Earth’s supreme rulers
  • The President makes first contact… badly
  • The animals go up two by two
  • Sprained Earlobe plays for time
  • A bogus asylum-seeker makes a brave attempt to get past customs
  • Whose planet is it anyway?
  • A cat loses life number one
  • What came next
  • An ovoid sheep-rustler kindly offers to clarify matters
  • The parable of Spudnikk and Blisteroon (heavily edited for a humanoid audience)
  • It doesn’t help
  • Animals with time on their hands and Internet access voice their grievances
  • Let off on a technicality
  • The end of the world
  • Legal disclaimer

    Part 2: France, 1815

  • A grotty inn receives a fair visitor
  • The mystery woman inspects her accommodation
  • Outnumbered one-to-one, the innkeeper summons assistance
  • There is an explosion, and not of the curried eggs variety
  • The countdown to Waterloo begins
  • A fair inn receives three grotty visitors
  • What happened after that but before the next bit

    Part 3: The Asylum

  • Turning the wheel
  • Fires at night
  • The fear of narrative victimisation
  • Speculation
  • The rescue, and sleep
  • The new arrival finds her feet
  • Playing cards
  • Unwinding
  • Intervention
  • Allergies
  • A partial remedy
  • Escape from the asylum
  • One possible answer to some question or other


    Summary

    At the dawn of the Twenty-first Century, the dominant dry-land species on planet Earth, humankind, continued blissfully on its path to global ruin: chopping down forests to replace them with cities and deserts; pumping poisonous and climate-changing pollutants into the atmosphere and oceans; fighting numerous never-ending wars with itself; maintaining course towards doubling its population from six billion to twelve before even thinking about stabilising, and both directly and indirectly driving to extinction countless other plant and animal species that were simply trying to mind their own businesses.

    Little, then, did the humans suspect that they were about to be cheated out of the privilege of destroying their own world, when somebody else carelessly went and did it for them. Bongar the Prevalent, noted speed scientist and daredevil, famous throughout the Orion arm of the Milky Way Galaxy, had a slight accident when he crashed his newest experimental spaceship slap-bang into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

    In the immediate aftermath of this catastrophe, two things would happen: first of all, Bongar the Prevalent would have his driving licence revoked by the Orion Senate, and secondly, thousands of space vessels would descend on the doomed Earth to save what they could of its inhabitants.

    The many and varied space-faring civilisations offering to lend a hand would generously allocate suitable Earth-like planets to receive refugees. Off-world ecosystems would be set up to accommodate giraffes, bluebottles, foxes, snakes, snails, llamas, squirrels, lions, sharks, eagles, squid, sparrows, termites, kangaroos, salmon, mice, monkeys, hyenas and penguins. Woodlands and coral reefs would be transplanted whole from one world to another. As the Earth fell apart, marine, forest, freshwater, mountain, desert, jungle and snowbound environments would be recreated in neighbouring star systems to take its place, with every detail correct right down to seasons and natural disasters such as the occasional drought and hurricane.

    But in every otherwise flawless operation there is one nagging complication.

    In this case, it would be us.


  • Asylum Seekers story in Word document format
  • Asylum Seekers summary in Word document format
  • Downpour (a short story)
  • Essay: A heritage to be thankful for
  • Essay: Hope for humanity (warning: religious content!)
  • PhD thesis
  • Philosophy of life
  • Spike Milligan: The Bald Twit Lion Story
  • Spike Milligan: Goon Show dialogue
  • Spike Milligan: Goon Show song lyrics
  • Click here for a final solution to war, poverty and hatred.
  • Return to Contents


    Martin McVay

    Martin McVay

    Martin McVay Martin McVay Martin McVay Martin McVay Martin McVay

    Martin McVay

    Martin McVay

    Martin McVay

    Martin McVay

    Martin McVay

    Martin McVay

    All artwork by Martin McVay


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