I know you will never understand why I did it, why I left you. I hope that this I leave behind will perhaps help you to discover some of the reasons that drove me to leave you, for I know the many more reasons have been lost with me. I want you to know that you weren?t the reason I left, you were the reason I stayed so long. I would have stayed forever with you, if only I could. The only wish I left with was if you could ever forgive me for abandoning you, even though it was never my intention to do so. And so my story begins and I want you to remember this and this only, I am your mother.
Chapter 1
I sat at my vanity table, brushing my long auburn hair. I was beautiful; I had always known that and needed no reassurance of it. My beauty was being wasted in this boring little town, I thought. But someday my beauty would set me free and give me all the possibilities in the world. How wrong I was. My beauty was the one thing that imprisoned me. I did not know this back when I was young and innocent, because if I did be well assured I would find the nearest mirror, break it and scar my face with the shards.
In my childhood, my beauty was what set me apart from others. It was what made me happy, being lavished with attention all because of my looks. This brought along the jealousy of my older sister, Helena. Helena had always been the favorite before I was born, simply because she was the only child who had lived past infancy. She was plain, not ugly, just plain. Other than her, my childhood had been one I was content with, not remarkable or anything. But I was determined not to die without doing anything memorable. Helena, though, was also equally determined to make my life as miserable as she could. And her actions very well could have been the cause of all that had happened.
I always made myself up in secret. Vanity was the biggest sin for Helena, something she could never have or use. It would have been ridiculous for her to be vain. This day, she caught me at my mirror and I noticed her sneering smile as she stared down at me before ripping the brush out of my hand.
"Stupid vapid girl!" she cried, unable to control her distaste as she had to do in the presence of my parents. I stared at her disbelievingly, her dull brown eyes that were so unlike my own dark blue ones, had a look that sent shudders up my spine.
I returned my gaze to the mirror. "Please give me the brush back, Helena," I asked calmly, though there was fear in my voice. She had never done anything to really harm me, other than the few occasional pranks.
"No," she spat. "Vanity is a sin, Corinne. There is nothing more to you than beauty. You are brainless, you have no skill nor talent and you depend on everyone else to get you what you want. You are nothing but a pretty little object some man can have as a collectible. Even Father thinks so. You think he'd love you if you were ugly. Oh, wait a minute, you don't think," she said spitefully.
I rose up from the seat to all of my five feet and six inches. "And you, Helena," I countered, "are nothing but a boring, old spinster woman who will stay that way for the rest of her life. No man wants to marry you," I spat. "You are the most despicable, hateful, scorned women I have ever met. Nobody likes you, Helena, nobody." My words were met with a hard slap that sent me sprawling to the bed. This was the first time she had ever done so, maybe because it was the only time I had said anything back.
My father walked in the exact moment Helena's hand left my cheek and I smirked in self-satisfaction at her. I could play my part to perfection for Daddy's eyes, but before I could open my mouth Daddy opened his. His eyes passed to Helena with contempt before addressing her scolding. "Helena, I am very disappointed in you. You're mother and I have noticed that you are excessively cruel to Corinne. But you Corinne, have not been so sweet either," he told me.
I was shocked and my hands fluttered to my throat. This was the first time Daddy had ever even remotely reprimanded me and in front of my sister! I started to say something on my behalf he cut me off. "We have decided that the best thing for you two would be if Corinne left us. Your Aunt Juliana has graciously offered Corinne to stay with her."
That was considered punishment? This was the best news I had heard in a long time! Finally, the beauty of Corinne Farthingfield could grace Virginia's society. The country's important aristocrats could see my social skills and refinement. Why, I could even become an important man's wife!
Of course, I kept all my thoughts hidden behind my mask which blocked out all emotion. "Daddy!" I cried. "It would pain me much to leave you and Mother and even Helena," I said innocently. Helena had always told me I would be a perfect actress, but always in a biting manner. "But what must be done must be done," I finished sadly, my head hanging low.
I could feel my father's resolve weakening, I knew he wanted to turn back his decision and make Helena the one to be sent away. I had played my part too well, I thought before Helena's shrill voice broke in on my thoughts.
"That's what she wants! Don't you see? By punishing her you are catering to her whim! Don't send her away, it'll be a reward to her, not a punishment! Send me if you must send someone!" Helena cried.
"Enough, Helena," my mother said calmly, walking into the room. "You're father and I have taken our time deciding this and we decided that it would be best if Corinne left and not you. We are not going to change this decision simply because it does not comply with you." She held her neck stiffly, almost looking down her nose at Helena. She loathed Helena and almost refused to acknowledge her as her own daughter simply because of Helena's looks. My mother herself was a great beauty.
Her raven black hair was always perfectly styled and provided the perfect contrast to her piercing blue eyes. Mother had sometimes let me read the love letters sent to her in her youth and most of them depicted her eyes as 'limpid pools one would get lost in'. It made me giggle when I was a girl to think that MY mother was portrayed in such a way. I longed to look like her, have her swelling curves and perfect features that drove men wild. And now that I was almost identical to her in every way but hair, I couldn't help feeling that I exceeded her beauty, that I had even surpassed the standards she set for me. "Mother, Daddy," I began, my eyes downcast, "I will be glad to do whatever is expected of me. If it is your will that I should leave this house and go with my aunt, I will do so."
My father beamed at me while my mother simple straightened her spine and glared at me coldly. "Pack your bags, Corinne, your father will take you to Charlottesville tomorrow morning," she said, her voice coated with ice. She didn't seem sad or unhappy at all that I was leaving! Why was she speaking to me so? I had never done anything to her. I shook my head and put the matter aside, starting to my closet to arrange my bags.
Helena walked over to me. "I suppose you think you?re lucky, don?t you?" she questioned caustically before walking out the door.
I was glad to be leaving her and that gladness far surpassed the sadness I felt in leaving my childhood home. I packed my bags, taking only what I needed for I knew Aunt Juliana would supply me again with every beauty product and new fashion available. For the first night in many nights, I slept comfortably knowing this would be the last time my head laid on this pillow