“Margaret who’s they? Who are they?” “I can’t get rid of them Hawkeye…they just won’t go away. I…I can’t think straight.” “Why Margaret?” “One tells me this and the other tells me tha…ohhh God, I think I’m gonna…” “This way…”
Why can’t I stop being sick? ‘Because that’s how you wanted it to be.’
“That can’t be good.” “No Beej, it’s real healthy.” “I mean what can she be throwing up?” “Coffee? Could you get some wet cloths? Just in the cupboard there.” “Right.”
God I can’t move…I CAN’T MOVE.
“See, look what you’re doing to yourself.” “I DIDN’T DO THIS…where the hell do you get off? All of you.” “All of us?” “I heard you all. Margaret Houlihan – the psyche case hearing voices. Makes herself sick.” “We were just…” “Don’t try and say there’s anything wrong because there isn’t, GET IT.” “Then why did you agree to come up here?” “So you lot would leave me alone!” “See, I just can’t win with her!” “Margaret, you want something to eat? Drink?” “No I don’t want anything, I just want some fresh air.”
I know I’m being disagreeable…deep deep down…am I? I can’t make sense of anything. Everything is just…so fucked up I have no idea who or what to believe, what to feel.
But why should I tell them that? They’ve all lived such perfect lives. What would they know?
“Here, can’t get much more fresh than Maine air.” “No! New York just has such the clearest air!” “You’re starting again” “Starting what exactly?” “You’re being a Smartass.” “So what? I put up with it from you for 3 years. So deal with it.” “At least I was myself then. Not some little…” “HAWK! Cloths…” “There…maybe it’ll melt your brain.” “Or get you off your high horse.” “Make you see you’re sick” “Show yourself you’re an idiot.” “Can you HEAR yourself sometimes? I mean GOD…If I didn’t like you so damn much I wouldn’t have bothered” “Well it’s not too late now Pierce.” “Oh, it’s been far too late for some time now…” “I’m going inside, when you calm down then maybe we’ll talk.” “Whatever.” “Erin’s more grown up than you at times…grow up and listen to him.”
BASTARDS, the WHOLE lot of them
“See – it’s not just me.” “Well of course they’d all be on your side. They were your friends first.” “I’m sick of this, when you decide or rather remember that you’re 30 and not 15, come and talk to me. Until then, think long and hard about yourself.” “Fucking hypocrite.” “Screw you okay? JESUS!”
Think long and hard? Okay. Long – 30 years is too long. Hard – such a bitch to everyone.
“Well of course you are Margaret. I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to realise.”
“Looks like I’ve got you on side…about time too”
“I’ve given up all hope for her.”
“Don’t even try and have hope. We all know you’re a goner Margaret.”
“No she’s not…Hawkeye.”
“What the…there’s only supposed to be the two of us.”
“Find your own mind to play with.”
“Conscience. You remember Margaret. Also known as your inner child.”
I am my inner child – Hawkeye said I was.
“No, you’re some confused teenager. I’m the one who knows what’s right. No Angel or Devil can tell you. They’re constantly debating with themselves. Changing their minds on what to tell you. Sure they start off okay…but they’re fools.”
“Listen to a child? What a great idea!”
“I’m outta here, you coming?”
“Yeah, she’s lost…we’ll be back though.”
“Count on it.”
“See – they don’t care…they just wanna control you.”
And why should I trust you again?
“Because I’m your last real hope. Sure, you’ve got a really great guy like Hawkeye, who cares for you deeply and wants to help…but he can’t unless you want to.”
This is all too confusing.
“Talk to Hawkeye…talk to BJ. Hey, even Erin would be good.”
He doesn’t want to speak to me…after everything I said to him.
“Margaret…you tried to have the man Court Martialled how many times? A few words won’t hurt him. He’ll forgive you.”
No…I just wanna sit here, it’s quiet.
“Okay Margaret, but talk to him.”
FINE! Later
They say people can’t sit and not think about nothing…that they are always thinking about something. I disagree. I’ve sat by myself a few times and not thought about anything…the few times they would go away and leave me alone. The rest of the time I was either out, sleeping, throwing up or getting screwed by some guy I’d just met. Even some of those times I wasn’t thinking about anything. Nothing is a great state…not a care in the world. Then comes the constant reminder that there’s bills or letters or it’s happy hour and I’m not drinking. The one bad thing about nothing – there’s an end to it.
Hawkeye…why can’t I stop thinking about him? The fact that he dragged me out of my ‘home’ and proclaims that everyone loves me…or the fact that he seems to really care, despite all I said to him…all I called him.
Isn’t this the point where I go throw up or something? No…I have nothing more to get rid of. That’s the plus of not eating…genuine sickness means no leaning over a toilet bowl and retching every toxin out of your body. On the down side…you can’t do anything. But why would that worry me? I’m not working; I don’t go and see anyone. I drink, eat, vomit, drink, have sex, eat, vomit, drink, shower and sleep for 2 days.
Yeah – what a great life!
“She’s up?!”
Oh great – Potter.
“Margaret girl…what have you done?” “OW, careful I bruise.” “Sorry; what, why?” “Nice to see you too.” “I would say the same, but what you?” “Where’s Hawkeye?” “He’s inside talking with Peg.” “Still pissed off?” “Wouldn’t you be?” “Can you just get him?” “Fine, geez settle down.” “Margaret, what’s on your mind?” “The fact that I’m out of my mind for one…according to him.” “Yeah what?” “Can we talk?” “I don’t know…am I still a fucking hypocrite?” “I think I’ll go see what Mildred’s doing…” “I don’t know – ARE YOU? Look, I’m in a right mind to talk, if you don’t want to – FINE!” “I think I might join you.” “Okay okay, you want to talk? We’ll talk.” “Somewhere…different.” “Come on, we’ll go to the beach, that different enough?” “Fine.”
The beach…couldn’t be so bad. I’m covered…and it’s cold…
“Take the blanket.” “Why should I?” “Don’t argue, you’re blue. Just take it. I thought you weren’t going to argue.” “I never said that…I thought Hawkeye and Margaret always fought.” “I guess you’re right about that.”
So we’re now walking down to the beach…God I haven’t been to one since…Well yeah. Secluded, no one about, quiet.
“There’s no one about, don’t worry.” “How would you know?” “Small town…I just know.” “Only people I knew were you guys.” “Well that’s what you get when you’re born army.” “What do you mean?” “Just, what your parents did for a living meant that moving around must have been tough.” “Right, and you would know this because you had such a busy childhood.” “Well Korea was really the only major move I had, besides to Boston. Which I visited so often I lived there as much as I do here.” “But you came back from Korea…” “So did you.”
Oh Hawkeye…that’s the thing you see…
“Me? I’m not so sure on that one.” “Why do you say that?” “I had to change so much when I got to Korea. Stationed in Tokyo I was so different to anything I was that first year. Being put in charge of that…I had to put on a brave face and be such a bitch to everyone otherwise I wouldn’t have made it.” “You were just getting used to it, like everyone else was.” “But I wasn’t like everyone else was. Regular army, remember. I was supposed to be able to lead confidently. I shouldn’t have had to get used to it…it was instilled in me.” “And where the hell did you come up with that idea?” “It’s common knowledge. Army means…” “Leadership and discipline, yeah yeah I know the drill.” “And I was army – capital A.”
With all the crap that went with it.
“That’s the thing – was. You’re not army anymore.” “I don’t think I really ever was. I joined because I loved my father to bits…I did it all for him…which I now regret.” “Well who wouldn’t, I don’t see how anyone could have gone through a war because they chose to.” “It’s not the war…I lost my life because I wanted to make my father proud. I did what he wanted, not what I wanted…No wait. I was trained to like it…and the army seemed great until…” “You were 15.” “How did you know?” “I know you heard I spoke to Lorraine. Why 15? Why the starving, the vomiting?” “I just don’t know…my mind’s all a blank between loving the army and starting to hate the army. I know you don’t want to call Sidney…” “But I have to yeah.”
Margaret…this is a nice state. I almost feel half in control. Was that how I was before?
“I’m sorry for what I said earlier.” “No, you’re right. I should be sorry…but I’m not.” “You’re not?” “I know it’s going to happen again…until it stops, I don’t know if I can be.” “So why are you…I can’t get my head around this. Why are you so…Margaret now?” “They’re gone.” “Who are they?” “Them…” “Voices?” “No, I mean they’re not telling me to go kill myself or anything.” “Gone for good?” “Definitely not…could we talk about anything but them.” “Okay, how about…Maine. What do you think of it?” “It’s nice…I could get used to it.” “Now will you eat dinner?” “What does that have to do with Maine?” “Just answer the question.” “I…I can’t.” “What, eat or answer it?” “Answer it. If I eat it, there’s no guarantee I’ll keep it down, no matter what you try.” “Okay, how about a deal?” “A deal with a crazy woman? Not wise Hawkeye, even for you.” “Just try…”
Try? Does he think I’m totally insane? What have I been doing half my life?
“That’s the thing Hawkeye…I have been.” “What?” “You know why I stopped when I did…it’s been a battle ever since. Korea I never had to worry about sticking my fingers down my throat because the quality of food did that all by itself.” “Between then and Korea?” “Why?” “Maybe that’s the key…” “I was still in shock over the hospital threat. Plus my all lovely sister constantly reminding me I think put me off.” “What about when you left home?” “As soon as I turned 18 it was straight to the army and nursing school. Discipline and leadership remember?” “Mixed with all things medical.” “Enough to put anyone off. Even me.” “So did you ever think about doing it?”
Like you really have to ask?
“Oh sure. I had the urging and craving to do it all the time. There were times in Korea where I think I did. Nothing forced…the thought mixed with bad food…it was a re-enactment, no…a repeat.” “Was it more frequent at times?”
Oh boy, you’re really getting down to the specifics.
“I did it an awful lot in the beginning…I suppose the loneliness and separation from everyone was a major part. Then…there were times like at the aid station where I didn’t do it for a long time.” “What about the rest of the time?” “The break up with Donald was really hard. I did it all the time except…” “Except what?” “Remember that talk we had in the Swamp? You over Kyong Soon and me with Donald…” “The break up was then?” “I always subconsciously suspected what he was doing. Then was one of the only times it didn’t do it…at least not for a few weeks after.” “When else?”
Isn’t it obvious?
“The hut. You remember how I was so fussy that next morning? Especially with how I looked?” “I remember it as if it were yesterday.” “I was always afraid of being caught out. After I vomited, there was always the smell…and my teeth were always so bad afterwards. That’s why I was over obsessed with hygiene.” “You know…it was a very good cover up.” “Really?” “Yeah, no one suspected a thing…except for one thing. You screwed it up.” “What do you mean?” “In the beginning, your attitude. I became almost obsessed with trying to figure out who you were.” “You knew then?” “Not specifically…I knew there was something wrong, not what though.”
“You know…I was never really angry about the whole hut incident.” “You weren’t?” “Of course I hated Donald…and that bitch Darlene. But not you.” “Sure seemed different the night after.” “That was my way of dealing…I guess I was really upset when I was blown off the next morning.” “It wasn’t you…it was the fact that you were married. Aside from you I only ever slept with one married woman, she was my first real love who came back. It was more of I wanted her than anything. Looks are deceiving, I do have my morals.” “In all honesty, I’m happy the hut incident happened.” “You are?” “Yeah. Not just because I always wondered what you were like…or even the fact you weren’t half bad.” “Really? Why thankyou.”
Oh now that’s the smile I love. Cheeky yet evil.
“It was really a step forward for us. It made me feel…special and wanted. Not just there and needed. So…I never did I again. Plus the pregnancy scare kinda put me off. Though the ‘morning sickness’ kinda substituted it all.” “So never again…the rest of Korea?” “Not for the sake of it is now, no. Some of the wounds and food – it just came naturally. Wait…there was one time. And again, I never had to force it.” “What happened?” “When we all thought you were dead.” “You mean the Aid Station?” “The second time, yes.”
God that really scared me.
“When did this all start up again?” “Hawkeye I think we should go back.” “Why?” “I don’t want to fight…at the moment. Look. I know I’m going to yell and scream and curse and maybe try to hit you or anyone around you.” “I never promised this was going to be easy…far from it. I know what I was getting myself into when I came this morning…and I’m probably going to yell and scream and curse right back. But I made a vow to help you, and I will do all that I can to do so.” “I’ll thank you once my mood swings are a gentle push.” “I’m not here for recognition…just as long as you know.”
I don’t like where this is going…quick change of subject I think.
“Can we…” “Yeah, BJ’s probably wondering where we are.” “You’re here, I’m no where.” “And we’re here to fix that. By the way…how much weight are you down?” “I lied before…it’s 38 not *yawn* 32.” “I knew it was more…you still tired?” “You caught me on a bad day. Usually I’m up and literally running…I compensate with 2 days sleep.” “Okay, no more talk of weight or bodies or anything. Not for tonight okay?” “I really couldn’t care…I just want to sleep. Preferably a bed…I do have one?”
Although that couch wasn’t bad.
“I’ll see what I can scrounge up…if not, I have a king sized…” “No thanks…I like my own space…no problem of waking anyone up through nightmares or vomiting or both.” “What happened to the no mention of it?” “I have a bad memory…Potter must think I’m a nutcase.” “A little more than a nutcase perhaps.” “And BJ!” “He just thinks you’re a nut.” “Well whatever…they probably hate…” “I still have no idea where you came up with this idea…because it’s crap.”
I don’t want to face them not now…not ever!
“Can I just skip dinner? I’m really tired.” “No, please, you said you’d try.” “It’s just I don’t think I could lift the fork at the moment. Even if I could, I couldn’t throw it up. And that’d just make me 10 times worse.” “Okay, just for tonight.” “Thank you.”
“Thought you two were washed out to sea.” “No such luck!” “You eating?” “No, I’m sleeping. I’m too tired to even think let alone walk, talk…” “Vomit.” “Your subtly’s sickening you know that?” “What you’re doing to yourself is sickening that’s what.” “BJ…could you help me with something for a sec?”
Give him the talk that’s right. See, I knew I’d get him on side.
“Yeah what?” “Please, I just got her settled, the last thing that would help is you setting her off when it can be avoided.” “Sorry Hawk, it’s just that does she know how dangerous it is?” “At the moment yes, 2 minutes time who knows?” “Hawkeye how is she?” “As good as you’d expect.” “Hawk, it’s just…I’ve never seen her in this state.” “Just once I did…not nearly as bad as now. She’s okay for now…later probably not.” “You convinced her to eat something?” “Not tonight, she’s just too tired…as a matter of fact so am I. You guys okay to do everything?” “Yeah Hawk, we’ll fix everything.” “Okay, night.”
Coming to bed so soon? I didn’t know I had that effect – HA!
“Come on, room’s this way.” “Where’s everyone else *yawn* sleeping?” “Potters at dad’s, BJ, Peg and Erin guesthouse out the back.” “Is it just me or do you have a lot of stairs…” “It’s you…” “Thanks, really.” “One down the end is study, just left is yours, just here’s the bathroom, right’s my room. There’s a door in both rooms connecting to the bathroom.” “I doubt there’ll be any trips. I haven’t eaten remember.” “So you keep telling me. Whalla – your room.”
Nice, cosy.
“Towels and whatever’s in the bathroom. Nothing in the drawers or closet so just throw your stuff in.” “What about your room?” “You wanna see?” “I’m just curious in what you were leaving behind.” “If you’ll just follow me.”
Wow, this is huge…hmmm…no closet.
“Nice bed.” “Only ever been slept in.” “No one to share it with?” “Not for a year…and that was a few thousand miles away.”
Oh that’s nice…no sex since me.
“You’re joking?” “Why would I?” “Any reason?” “I just never felt like dating.” “You don’t have to date to have sex you know.” “Yeah…I just haven’t.” “I notice no closet.” “If I need anything ironed, I’ll do it just before. Everything else is in draws.” “You can compromise with your fear, mine will always be there.” “Find somewhere quiet and all’s good right?” “Sometimes…” “Well, this is my room, not much else to it. You need anything else?” “Just for you to know I take showers in the morning.” “Okay, I get the picture. I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Night Hawkeye.” “Night Margaret.”
I love his laugh. It just lights up any room, any mood. Even mine at times…Pyjamas…did I pack any? That’s right…all too small.
“Hawkeye?” “Something wrong?” “Do you have anything I could wear…I mean for to sleep in.” “Nothing fits right? An old shirt do?” “Yeah thanks.”
Oh my God that’s not…
“Is that what I think it is?” “You mean this? Yes, my beloved Hawaiian shirt. You have good taste.” “Just an eye for all things rotten. I don’t suppose you have that robe?” “Robe robe robe…ah ha! Here it is, right where I left it.” “The floor?” “I can find it there…one shirt – that okay?” “Yeah should be fine.” “No bottom’s that would fit you though…” “That’s okay, this should do.” “I want to do some tests when Charles and Trapper get back.” “What for?” “To see what exactly you’re lacking in and how serious this is. I don’t want to start anything okay, just get some sleep.” “Yes doctor. Night.” “Goodnight Margaret.”
Well that was…awkward.
God I have gotten thin, does look better though.
I’m so *yawn* tired. I just want to…
