Touch Paper

By Old English Dave

Explanation: Set anytime after the Angel ep, “Epiphany”. All A/C all the way!!!

Please follow up and read Fireworks after.

…

Cordelia glanced over at Angel.... they were sat in the office of Angel Investigations at the Hyperion Hotel.

She thought back to a day two months before.... a day that had changed their lives completely. They had been sat much as they were today, for once discussing what Cordelia considered to be important issues. The conversation had moved on from considering how lucky they were to have regained much of their old closeness (following the split, Angel’s ‘epiphany’, and his return to the fold) to wondering about that the future might bring.... she had suddenly suggested to Angel, half joking, that maybe the PTB would have installed new Oracles by now.... maybe there was no reason to suppose that just because they’d died, that that was the end of the matter.... maybe it was something like a monarchy - ‘the Oracles are dead, long live the Oracles’.... maybe other Oracles had simply taken their place.

To her surprise, Angel hadn’t laughed.... he’d taken it seriously.... so much so that he’d gone to check out her theory that very day. To her complete amazement, she’d been right - lo and behold, two new Oracles - and they’d given him news that neither of them had been prepared for. Angel’s soul was permanent.... not as a reward, the Oracles had been quick to point out, but simply because the PTB couldn’t afford him to lose it at such a critical period leading up to the ‘End of Days’.... his dark period prior to his ‘epiphany’ had been enough of a problem for them, they weren’t prepared to risk anything worse.

So Angel had benefited - not because he deserved it but because it turned out the PTB were pragmatists.... with everything else they’d been through in the last couple of years, it made a certain amount of warped sense.

Whatever.... it changed everything.... the feelings she’d had for Angel, but kept deep down because any relationship with Angel other than friendship had been hopeless, suddenly came to the fore.... she loved him.... was in love with him completely and utterly and she couldn’t deny it any longer. Unfortunately, Angel seemed stuck in the friendship, brother/sister thing and hadn’t shown any sign of returning those feelings.

Cordelia had tried everything to get Angel to respond to her short of having ‘I LOVE ANGEL’ tattooed on her forehead. She knew a trick or two about attracting men and she’d employed them all. Smoldering eye contact.... dressing provocatively.... flirting outrageously.... none had the desired effect. Recently, Gunn had begun to show an interest in her and she’d fleetingly considered going out with him in the hope of making Angel jealous or at least acknowledge she was a woman.... but of course Gunn was a friend.... she could never use him like that.

At least her worst fears hadn’t been realized.... Angel hadn’t and showed no sign of returning to Sunnydale and the Slayer. Cordelia had always worried he might go back, and was surprised he hadn’t, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask him about it.

But he had hurt her.... albeit without realising it. The guys had been partly to blame.... they’d seen his permanent soul as an opportunity for him to make up for lost time and encouraged him to do so. Although Angel had seemed initially reluctant, the three had gone out a few times ‘on the pull’ as Wesley had charmingly put it.... and although Cordelia felt left out, she couldn’t bring herself to complain because she was pleased to see Wesley and Gunn beginning to bond with Angel again and wouldn’t do anything to discourage that. She was sure that on at least two or three of those occasions, Angel had brought a different woman home and slept with her.... she’d known instinctively the morning after whenever another woman had been there.... even without overhearing the guys ‘congratulating’ him on his successes. It made her sick to her stomach but there was no way she would ever let Angel know that.... in fact, partly she was pleased for him.... pleased to see him leading a more ‘normal’ life.

And then there was yesterday.... Angel had become much more friendly with Kate since she’d been kicked out of the police force and he’d prevented her suicide attempt.... Cordelia had been afraid that it might become more than just friendship. Last night, he’d gone out with Kate and he hadn’t returned until the early hours.... Cordelia knew that because she’d telephoned the Hyperion several times and got no reply. Today, Angel had said nothing about it and she certainly wasn’t going to ask.

Another blonde after Darla and Buffy.... pretty obvious really. She tried not to think about it.... not to reveal how she felt to Angel.... inside she hurt like hell.

-----------

Angel pretended to read his newspaper but really he was brooding again.

When he’d first found out his soul was permanent, he was shocked.... particularly as he hadn’t deserved it. But Cordelia, Wesley, and Gunn had obviously been happy for him and when the boys had asked him to join them on their outings - well, it was too good an opportunity for speeding up the reintegration process to pass up. In the event, he’d entered into the spirit of things rather too well and brought women back to the hotel for sex - not that it had been any great hardship as he recalled. Even so, he’d found that the return of
his sex life brought him only limited pleasure. Loveless sex provided relief and release but nothing more.... and he’d begun to realise that he wanted more and who he wanted it with.

Life on his own during his dark period had been easy really.... nothing and no-one to think about but himself and his ‘purpose’. Being back with the team though.... re-joining the human race.... caring for people.... caring for Cordelia in particular.... that was much more complicated. Being in love with Cordelia – he wasn’t sure when or how it happened but he knew he was - made things nigh on impossible.

Angel had never known a woman quite like Cordelia in all his 240 plus years. She was exasperating, infuriating, even irritating at times - yet also totally reliable, open and honest, generous, compassionate, strangely intoxicating, and with a vivid intelligence all of her own. Each time he saw her these days, he felt like every muscle, every fibre, every sinew was being turned inside out.... when he didn’t see her, he felt worse .... if this wasn’t love, he didn’t know what was.

Every time he listed her qualities, and he’d done it often enough recently, he always reached the same conclusion.... that she was an inherently ‘good’ person.... which only brought his own shortcomings sharply into focus - a vampire with a history of torture, death, and destruction behind him.... and the demon that had inspired it all was still a part of him. Would it be fair on her if he made his feelings clear.... even if she felt the same (and from the way she acted around him, it was possible she did).... surely she deserved better.

Then again, she was a grown woman.... an adult perfectly capable of making up her own mind. Perhaps he should declare his love and let her decide.... yet what if she rejected his love.... where would that leave them.... could they go on as if nothing had changed... it seemed unlikely.

To tell her he loved her.... or not.... the sort of dilemma that has plagued men for centuries. He
needed to think about something else.

Kate.... he was glad things were working out better for her.... she’d just opened for business as a private eye and he’d been happy to offer to help her out if she ever needed it.... last night he’d rushed off to give her a hand on a case she was working on.... that reminded
him....

“Hey, I never told you how I went on with Kate last night”, he called out.

“No, you never did”, Cordelia replied flatly.... fairly sure she didn’t want to know.

The telephone rang.

“Angel Investigations.... oh, it’s you....”, Cordelia held the phone out for Angel, “It’s Kate.”

Angel picked up the receiver, “Kate.... what.... now.... OK I’ll pick you up, give me ten minutes.”

He put the phone down and turned to Cordelia, “Gotta go.... I’m not sure I’ll be back to-night.... got my phone in case you need me,”.... and he was gone.

Cordelia’s worst fears were confirmed.... he expected to stay the night at Kate’s.

********************************

Cordelia sat on the couch in her apartment wearing a dressing gown, a birthday present from Wesley, over her nightclothes.

She was miserable.... the more she thought about Angel the more miserable she became.... would he ever see her as more than a friend? Did he not know that she wanted more than that.... needed more than that from him? Or did he just not feel the same way about her? Darla.... Buffy.... and now Kate.... maybe she simply wasn’t his type.

A tear began to form in the corner of her eye and she fought in vain to hold it back

--------------

Angel wondered why he was stood outside Cordelia’s front door. Was he lonely?.... did he just want to see her?.... or did he want to tell her he loved her – to unburden himself whatever the consequences?.... he honestly didn’t know. He decided he’d just have to play it by ear.

Angel knocked on the door and waited.

“Angel?!!”

“Were you about to go to bed?”

“It’s alright.... come in.... I’m just surprised to see you.”

Angel followed Cordelia into the apartment and sat down opposite her.

“Yeah, I’ve been assisting Kate with a surveillance job these last two nights.... remember I told you I’d help her out when I could.... anyway it didn’t take as long as I expected tonight.... so I wondered if you might like some company.”

“Oh.... I thought....”

“What?”

“.... I sort of thought that you and Kate were....”

Cordelia’s cheeks coloured slightly.

“That we were out on a date!” Angel laughed.

“Well, it wouldn’t have been the first time you’d been out with a beautiful blonde, would it,” remarked Cordelia defensively, “it seems to be a common theme of yours.”

“What does?”

“Blondes!”

“You’re saying that just because of Darla.... and Buffy.... you think I have a thing about blondes.... that’s a pretty big assumption isn’t it?!”

A few seconds passed before Cordelia quietly broke the uneasy silence.

“Angel....”

“Yes?....”

“You’ve never really told me how you feel about having a permanent soul.... you don’t seem too excited about it.... are you struggling to adjust?”

Angel was surprised at the sudden change of mood and subject.

“Well.... aside from the fact I did nothing to deserve it, maybe it hasn’t made as much difference as I thought.... I mean, don’t get me wrong.... I’m pleased that Angelus won’t be let loose on the world again.... it makes things so much safer for you and the guys if nothing else....”

“But.... I can feel a ‘but’ coming on.”

“But I still have a demon within me, I’m still a vampire.... it’s still a constant battle between my soul and the demon for the upper hand.... and it’s not long since I pursued the darkness despite having a soul....”

Cordelia’s heart went out to him. She so wished he could look on the bright side for once.

“It means you can have a relationship though, doesn’t it?”

Angel saw a chance to test the water.

“Oh yeah.... how many women do you know who prefer guys who can’t go out in the daylight without being turned to dust.... how many women would prefer a guy who’s staple diet is blood, who’s heart doesn’t beat.... who’s cold to the touch?”
Cordelia knew one....

“At least you can.... you know.... you’ve been with women since.”

“What.... have sex.... yeah, being able to do that again without risk after so long.... I’ll admit it was a bit of a novelty at first.... but I’m nearly 250 years old.... I’ve been with hundreds of women....” (Cordelia winced slightly.... she couldn’t help it) “the novelty soon wears off again,” Angel went on. “It’s not the same as making love to someone you love.... I’ve found that out.... that’s an entirely different experience.... one that’s worth having.... sort of puts the rest into perspective really.”

Back to Buffy, thought Cordelia, beginning to feel slightly nauseous.

“So if you’re in love with someone, it makes being with someone other than that person pretty meaningless?”

“Something like that.”

“And are you?”

“What?”

“In love with someone?”

“Yes.” Angel surprised himself by answering honestly.

Cordelia’s heart sank and her patience snapped.

“Isn’t it about time you got over Buffy.... she’s moved on hasn’t she.... can’t you do the same? Or do you still think you’re destined to be together in the end.... I mean.... you’ve got your permanent soul.... I’m surprised you haven’t gone back to Sunnydale to be with her.... left LA and me, Wesley, and Gunn behind.”

Angel was horrified at the turn the conversation had taken.

“I’ve no intention of deserting you ever again.... I thought I’d made that clear.... Buffy and I.... the more I’ve thought about it, the more obvious it is that it was never meant to be.... a vampire and a vampire slayer.... the idea’s ridiculous isn’t it.... hell, it’s more than ridiculous, it’s against nature.... I’m not in love with Buffy any more.... I have moved on.... can’t you tell?”

“You still brood a lot though don’t you.... I thought....”

“When you’ve done as much evil as I have in my time, it sort of comes with the territory.... I can’t escape the consequences of my past.... you surely don’t think I’m still brooding about Buffy, do you?”

“Well....”

“Well, I’m not.... I still love Buffy but I’m not in love with her any more.... that’s all over now.... I don’t for one moment think we’re destined to be together.... quite the reverse, in fact.”

Cordelia looked long and hard into Angel’s eyes. She realised she believed him but she was struggling to take it all in. She yawned despite herself - a yawn brought on by tension rather than tiredness.

“I’m keeping you up.... I’ll go,” Angel volunteered softly and made for the door. “I’ll see myself out.”

A thought suddenly leapt into Cordelia’s head - he’d told her he was in love.

“So if it’s not Buffy, who are you in love with?” she called as Angel opened the front door.

“That’d be you,” she thought she heard him say before he closed the door behind him.

She rushed to the door and opened it.

“Angel!” she called but he was nowhere in sight.

---------------

The words had been out of his mouth before he’d had time to think.... he’d lit the blue touch-paper and his immediate instinct was to retire to a safe distance.

He could hear Cordelia call out his name as he slipped away into the night.

…

Follow up to the next part of the series in Fireworks.