| Yet another classic Matt Rock Online installment is being brought back again. From the annuls of history comes forth a Christmas List which as we recall a decent number of people enjoyed reading around the holiday season. For those of you who started getting into this website post 2001, we used to post a Christmas list on behalf of the nation as a whole. It started in 1995 and around 2000 we became overwhelmed with responses to the list, as some people didn't concur with what we were asking for. But nonetheless, people enjoyed them, so after long hours of contemplative thought we've drawn up this list of things this country would love to have. We hope you enjoy, and please feel free to E-mail us with your comments, criticisms, etc. |
| America's Christmas List 2003 |
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| (1) A competent President - I think 99.9% of us out there would love to have a leader who isn't a former cokemonkey. Someone who can lead us to the promised land rather than blow the promised land up. And wouldn't it be swell if the leader of our nation could make it to the end of a sentence without stuttering and mis-pronouncing other nations? Maybe our next President, provided this wish comes true of course, won't be a loony who spins the globe in the Oval Office and bombs whatever country his finger lands on. But then again, maybe we all just have high hopes? (2) Removal of the Second Ammendment - Or at least we should give it a serious looking over. It was written during a time when we had to protect ourselves from, well, okay, it was written during a time when we were still in the "wipe out the original inhabitants of this continent" phase, and let's face it: the days of robbing the bank train and participating in shoot-outs at the saloon are over. We don't need more |
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| guns to protect ourselves from the people who have guns. If nobody had guns, then nobody would get shot. That makes sense, doesn't it? And the last time I checked, there hasn't been a hardcore rapper who was born and raised in Utah or in Montana, so why do those bizarre rifle fanatics need the right to bare arms? Who are they pretending to protect themselves from? Let me tell ya, if George W. Bush gets China mad enough at us to a point where they invade us, the Michigan Militia will not only not be capable of stopping the ground forces... they'll be running and hiding with the rest of us! For more about this issue watch "Bowling for Columbine" with your brain's switch flipped to the "on" position. (3) Free Medical Insurance - We could (a) do as they do in other nations and raise taxes while dropping medical insurance, giving insurance firms the tax throw-back (your prior firm picks you up and gets federal payments) and offering incentives to ease the burden, or, (b) we offer a free federal insurance policy to low- income families and individuals who do not qualify for any other form of insurance. Seems simple enough to me! (4) National Fitness Program - If I were President this would already be started, and it coincides with gift number five. We squeeze some budgeting into creating creating gyms for excersising, or give tax breaks to firms like Gold's Gym, to allow citizens to take part in free fitness programs, and award the citizens in each city who work the hardest at it with tax breaks themselves. This nation's citizenry have serious weight problems which could be combated if the government would do something like this to stave it off. (5) Employment Boost Plan - There's a massive unemployment problem in the U.S. nowadays. The government should fund programs such as a National Fitness program to bring more jobs into every city. Give tax breaks to high- employment firms who could use the extra people but can't afford to hire them. The government would take in returns from the unemployed people paying their taxes. (6) One decent year's worth of Entertainment - Movies and music are suffering from a lack of ingenuity. There are too few movies coming out that we haven't already seen, and too few bands producing music that we already haven't heard. We need the entertainment powers-that-be to stop looking at old trends to come up with new ones. (7) Pat Buchanan's Head on a Stick - For public display in a national tour of heads-on-sticks. We could display them in very public places where people could pay $5 to see them, egg them... whatever. It would give a serious boost to the nation's economy as I'm sure that millions of people would come and be more than willing to pay just to take a gander. (8) Perfection of Fuel Cells in mass- produced cars - They're clean, they're cheap, and they ante up an equal share of vehicular performance that's on par with, if not better than, crude fossil fuels. But Exxon can't make billions of dollars selling hydrogen, and people are afraid they'll turn into mobile atomic bombs. Silly humans. (9) Britney Spears run over by a monster truck - 'Nuff said. (10) Proper allocation of our Armed Forces - Instead of sending our military might off to fight in some foreign nation whose only crime against this nation is a ten- cent raise in fuel costs, why not send our troops into our own cities to aid and assist the police in neighborhoods where the police won't dare to go? I don't mean sending the Marine's into Compton to shoot bums, but rather have a military presence on street corners that are known to have high rates of crime, and have them approach suspicious- looking individuals and scare them. That would frighten criminals and tell them that their "business" isn't welcome in our towns, cities, etc. I bet carjackers in Philadephia would back down if they watched an M1 Abrams Tank roll down Race Street! |