I have recollected my mind about this article I'm about to write, that has made me the kind of person I was when I grew up and have learned about life in general. When I wasn't yet a Christian, I have been so hesitant and aloof about my personal family background. I didn't know how or where to start upon telling stories about my family.
When you came from a family that has full of bitterness and other sorts of bondages, it is rather difficult to say it in a layman's term. If you're gonna tell about this to a friend that did not or have never been in a family such as this, they will definitely not be able to relate or understand clearly how it feels to be one. Some may think of it as superficial, some may rather think you're mentally disturbed since they often think that these things do not exist in this world. To tell you a brief background about my family, please have an open mind and an open heart for you to know about the layers of unforeseen bondages and difficult characters as you will see in this story.
I come from a broken family, a family that has almost all kinds of strivings and contentions, I may say. A family that has dealt with perhaps all kinds of misdeeds and outrages. When I say misdeeds, it must mean that it's about real sins I must confess, yes it's difficult but I need to do this for the glory of God. For example, my family and relatives were exposed in drug abuse, theft, adultery, hatred, strife, jealousy, unforgiveness, fornication, premarital sex, idolatry, greed, selfishness, sorcery, sexual bondages, self pitiness, prostitution, etc. All sins and bondages stated did not only come from my own parents but from my grandparents, great grandparents, cousins and very close relatives. In short, my family had these bondages from generation to generation. You might be able to answer why my parents separated because also of the family where they come from. I have seen and heard many of these things above when I was growing up and I tell you, it was very difficult to accept at a very early age. Perhaps that is why I married early.
My mother and father got married too at a very early age, even earlier than I was. You see, when we don't find real happiness at home, we normally look for it elsewhere, to your friends, lovers or even with celebrities or with some activities that leads us to idolatry. It clearly states in the Bible that a curse will occur from generation to generation. Because of the sin that Adam & Eve did in the garden of Eden, all generations were already doomed and the payment is none other than death says in Genesis 2:17, "...but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."
I have witnessed from my very eyes how my father used to beat my mother helplessly. Though my mother did self defense because my mother is kind of strong, unfortunately, my father was too strong to be defeated physically. Me and my brother always wake up at night or early morning to see our own mother being smashed on the floor with blood on her lips, or has awful blows on her face due to my father's strong fists. There was even one time I saw my mother being kicked by my father brutally just outside of the house of my own grandmother. Just years ago this scene was very fresh in my memory including my beloved mother's screams because of pain and I feel in so much pain as well when I think of this... I have also witnessed my own father having another relationship with another woman where it triggered a fight with another physical and mental pain for my mother. I often remember these stages so vividly in my mind and made me hate my father so much. I cry in so much pain when I sometimes picture these events in my mind or see in news or in movies that makes me remember my own family.
I must say too that this experiences has made my heart layered with bitterness and insecurities. It made my personality somehow angry with life and distant from my own family and friends. But somehow God was with me even with this. When I had enough failures in my own life, it even made me stronger and determined. I have anyhow thanked these incidents happened in my life because it made me tougher. Small pains that occur to me does not even matter anymore. Little problems do not overpower my will and my determinations. However, during the course of these developments, I presumed that it has crossed the boundaries. Unnoticeably, I feel that I'm becoming the person whom I had hated, my father and my father's mother, my grandmother...
My former coworker and superior in a Pre-need industry where I work as a sales consultant often teased me that I was, according to him, "ruthless", "impatient", "a b---h" (pardon me for the word) and a "self-driven" person. I know that I became one because even my closest friends have confirmed this to me. I used to be so impatient with my own daughter and my husband. I even used to curse! It is really true and I firmly believe that when you grew up in an environment where there's no love and only has hatred, you will become as it is, unless you have God with you. And unless you were born again in spirit and in truth. The bible said in 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" That is, when you are already in Christ...
God is able to do all things including complete healing and grace for you to be able to forgive completely. I must confess that it was very difficult to forgive. I used to say all the time after I became a Christian that I have forgiven my family, "Oh yeah... I forgive them... I have forgiven my father! I have forgiven my grandmother, and so on and so forth!" But when I am faced with the situation, I can't even look at my own father's eyes, I can't even give him a hug, I can't even say I love him... Forgiveness is nothing without acceptance. The bible says forgiveness is a must. If you don't know how to forgive then God won't forgive you as well. It is really difficult in the beginning, I should know that! But when I asked God to pour out His grace on me and asked Him that he deliver me from unforgiveness, God has done it in a snap.
