Requesting Permission for Flyby

10/3/00
I am single. I have no attachments weighing me down. No one I have to answer to. No one I have to check in with. No one I have to spend money on except myself. I am living the bachelor's dream.

And it kinda sucks...big time...

In order to rectify this situation, I have fallen on the time honored (and probably highly ineffective) tactic of going out and hitting the bars and clubs. I am looking to flirt.

(A note on going out on the prowl solo. Don't. Modern aviation combat and scoping out women have a great deal in common. Assessing targets, threat evaluations, and above all the importance of having a wing man. A wing man is vital asset in your endeavors. There are a lucky few who do not need a wingman. They are quite capable of completing the mission without one. They don't have to be handsome or charming or intelligent. In fact they can be quite pudgy, old, and lecherous. The advantage that allows them this is quite simple: MONEY.)

The club/bar scene is set up in such a way that wingman is a virtual necessity. A wingman is an extra set of eyes. He can provide encouragement. He can open up possibilities that you cannot accomplish solo. He can help you by not letting you look like the lonely desperate slob that you are.

I know all this. I'd like to think I coined the term wingman in this context. But despite all this, I still head out solo.

Quite often I find myself strolling around, eyeing the women and trying to work up the courage to speak to them. Usually it ends before it begins. I find alcohol works well as a social lubricant, but without wingman, you look like a drunk desparate loner.

The alternative is to find a cool and laid back bar. Much like the ones seen in the film Swingers (highly recommended). They have a mystique and air that lends itself to a solo excursion. Plus you don't look quite so lonely or desparate if you sit by yourself. I found a few in different places: Tellers in Lawrence, KS, Soho in Bangkok, Thailand, Encore Piano Bar in Wichita, KS, to name a few.

There is an important caveat in looking for solo women. Women as a rule of thumb do not go solo. They are either with boyfriends, friends, or their Oprah bookclub members. Solo women are a rare find. And if they are solo, its usually for a very very good reason. They're psychotic, co-dependent individuals with more hangups and issues than you. Never hookup with a person more insane than you. The sex maybe great but the returns do not balance out investment and the costs (namely changing your phone number, address, and creating a new identity.)

Solo women usually come in two types: women coming out of bad co-dependent relationships and looking for another or the blatantly insane. There is a third: the single mom. But unless you're ready to make a serious committment to a mature relationship (and what is man is?), it is not a viable option.

Case in point. Recently I was out hanging at a Piano Bar where there is Sinatra in the air and decent martinis in the shakers. I struck up a conversation with a cute 20 something. Over the course of our conversation, the reason for her solo excursion became obvious. At the age of 28, she is waitress at a Mexican restaurant with 2 kids (8 and 11 years old). She is in the process of divorcing her husband who is currently spending time in the county jail pending charges of domestic violence and I believe aggravated robbery. And she lives in a trailer park. This is the honest truth. I could not have made this up if I wanted to, and I don't want to. I had decided to flirt with the casting couch for the Jerry Springer show.

I drank my drink quickly and bid a farewell after promising her that I would stop by her restaurant, a promise I'm not inclined to keep (I know this buys into the stereotype that men never call back or keep their promises, but when dealing with women like this you can begin to understand the rationale.)

So that is my social life right now. I have had some pretty bad experience to some pretty boring evenings. But hope springs eternal. I will no doubt be out this weekend nursing a scotch or martini. And if you're flying solo and you see me out, drop by and say hi. If you're a guy, I could use a good wingman. And if you're a solo woman, let me know when you'll next be on the Jerry Springer show. I'll set my VCR.