SEPT. 11, 2001

9/19/01
Because of recent events, I have not felt the urge to write, to make fun of my life or my general observations.

Having a brother working and living in NYC, who visits the World Train Center on an almost bi-weekly basis, and living through those frightening hours of 9/11/01 trying to get ahold of him, I have felt nothing worth writing.

Remembering the tremendous relief I felt when I heard from his secretary "He`s okay" I couldn`t write.

Reliving those 10-20 minuteswhen I shut my office door shut and sobbed to myself, to the universe, to God, and thanked them all that he was alright, I couldn`t write.

The World has changed and I find my compass has shifted to a course I do not know.  I find my faith in my fellow man shaken, my belief in the fundamental decency of humanity weaken.  How can we ever call ourselves brothers and sisters when we can commit such acts of evil against one another?  How can
any divine being, be it God, Allah, Gaia, comprehend such an evil or allow it to happen?

At the time, I found myself filled with fear, then relief, and then anger.  I didn`t want justice.  I didn`t recognize human rights.  I wanted vengence, horrible, slow, and painful vengence.  I wanted blood and suffering and death...and I hated them for making me feel that way.  I wanted them to suffer for making me question my fellow man, my belief that there was hope for humanity.

Now, life goes on.  I find myself numb to the reality of the world.  I watch the news in disbelief, thinking it some fantasy.  The lives have become some unreal statistic as my mind and soul refuses to acknowledge the loss of life.  I find myself buying into the fiction that nothing is wrong and the world turns, because otherwise...I don`t like to think about it.

But as I sit here, I find the urge, the need, the desire, to write something, to feel something.  And maybe its this...

I Wish It Would Rain
I wish it would rain.

I want to stand outside and feel the rain on my face.  To feel the wind blow through my hair, my arms, my fingers.  I want to see lightning arc across the clouds and hear the rumble of thunder following it.  I want to see the grass grow green from the drops above.

I want to stand in the middle of it all and feel wonder.  The wonder of the rain, of wind, of lightning and thunder.  I want to ignore the science of man that explains it all away.  I wish to go back to the time I was a child and feared and wondered at it all.  I want to stand in the storm and feel humbled by it, to feel small by it.

I want to know and feel and fear and rejoice in knowing, in believing, in feeling that the world, the universe, that God is beyond my knowing, beyond my understanding.  That thereexists wonders in the world we haven`t explained away, that we haven`t spoiled or ruined, that we haven`t tainted.
 

I want to feel the rain on my face and know that God is there...and that he knows how I hurt...and that there is a reason for it all...

I wish it would rain...