| Poetry |
| The following poems I have written myself. When I am overcome with emotion, I have found that writing poetry helps me alot. I would suggest it to anyone. These poems are fairly graphic and explicit. Please view them with caution, these could be VERY tiggering. Please know that these are not written to encourage the behaviors discribed. I have posted these to share my feelings about SI, depression, and suicide; perhaps some of you can relate. I do not encourage or condemn self injury. If you are bothered by these subjects please LEAVE! Do not copy these poems in any way or post them on any site without permission from me. If you have poetry that you would like to have posted please contact me. -Marie 05/15/2001 |
| Green A little green secret hidden in my pocket tucked away safely until it is needed, now almost daily waiting to do the chore it knows that I want more it has this power and before it I cower just plastic and a blade but to obey it I am made to me it calls and with it I fall back to the beginning my endurance is thinning over 3 long months I have restrained without it I have never felt so drained sitting in my pocket burning slice it up is what it’s ordering I want to remain in control but I want it now more than ever before so I will risk it I don’t care anymore, I convince myself it’s worth it so I let it go, all of the work and to a lonely room I will lurk I incise to feel alive it’s the only way I know how to survive I slide the razor into me a wet burning red is the key pain darts in all directions now all I see is a tainted reflection so why do I smile to me it is all worth while I know I’m pushing my luck but lately I don’t give a fuck to get caught would be my end in this world I can no longer pretend there is no cure of this I am sure now only a matter of time before I am caught, or I cut my own life line and if I cut too deep out the burning red will seep and if I should die I doubt that you would cry no one really cares but still you stare leave me alone your words cut to the bone you are part of the reason I scar too many to count all across my arms so much is ruled by a little green secret but I think I will keep it just plastic and a blade if I slip my life will fade pull down my long sleeves I sit as my arm bleeds not knowing what awaits scarring, bleeding, slowly breathing, maybe it is too late. |
| Broken Scream Someone help me I’m breaking apart inside I don’t know what to do I’m lost, I don’t know where to hide I can’t cry I can’t scream I can’t breathe I can’t dream My words fail me Along with my dried up tears I wish someone would hold me I have nothing left but fear Caged within these white walls Bound here, forced to stay Willing to take my own life Just to get away Tearing at myself I’m breaking apart inside I don’t know what to do I’m lost, I have no where to hide The realization, now so crystal clear My heart will never cease to ache The only thing left to do Is slow my breath, it is my life that I must take. |
| Steam Callous words thoughtless lies steaming attempt thought of as just a cry “Little girl she is fine she’ll turn around and dig her way out of this bind.” not a plea nor a cry a lost soul that just wants to die “We don’t know what to do we thought she’d be O.K. she’s lost control maybe we should send her away.” caged in walls of white the smell of rain they left her here to lessen their pain “We didn’t know how did it end up this way we really do ‘love’ her well, we used to anyway.” back at home nothing has changed she just wants a life that is not tarnished or maimed “Why are you crying we will send you back to that place! You have ‘everything’ but it surely can be arranged.” her last chance she must be free pills have been taken arms and wrists slashed, bleeding into the sea “It isn’t our fault that she is dead it must have been someone else yes, perhaps something they said. Or maybe we could have done something to lessen her strife maybe....just maybe...could we have saved her life?” |
| Pity Not enough trust is always too much leave me alone I don’t want your touch “protection” was your excuse I should have known I would be punished for self abuse excluded, only a last resort I am only wanted when you are hurting to dump your shit and problems on my heart is left burning I want to scream in your face you selfish whore it was my soul that you shattered and tore now you are lost it has come back to you you are getting what you deserve now it is your life that is askew funny how the tables turn I wish you would take this opportunity to live and to learn so sad I almost feel sorry as you come to me crawling no, not for you where were you when I needed somebody you left me with no regrets threw me to the curb, laughed, set the rule and left me with your hollow threats well...who’s laughing now huddled in your little shell it is my turn now to watch you burn in hell. |
| Dark Angel Fold your wings dark angel, dry your tear stained eyes, you didn’t know how to help, lord knows that you tried. It wasn’t your fault, the damage had already been done. Life was too much to bare the pain took over and won. You tried your best dark angel, we both knew how the story would end. Everything is as it should be, I no longer have to pretend. |
| Pool of Darkness In this pool of darkness, I thrash as I drown, I’m reaching for some one, but you wont set down your crown. You are to scared to sacrifice anything for me, but it was I in the first place, that handed you that crown you wear so proudly. |
| Words In Chalk 06/14/2000 You write your words in chalk, so they can easily be erased. Those kind words that you did say, thought to be forever etched in stone, are just wiped away. Not one more thought given, nor another chance, you clean off that slate, without another glance. You said we’d be friends always and forever, but it was you that left our friendship severed. All of this pain I can no longer endure, Did you ever really care? Now I'm not so sure. All of this hurt, I wish you could see, but if it is I you don’t want, why won’t you let me be free? |
| Midnight Tears Devoured into the mystical silence of midnight my eyes melt tears of blood. Lost and tangled in painful memories circling in this labyrinth of confusion the strange reflection turns to ash and crumbles. The fury contained within is slowly creeping to the surface boiling, turning, hungering to escape. I try to hold it inside of me with all that is left of my strength I can’t let it be known. I will take it to my early grave. One day it will erupt and flow destroying what is left of me I will be defeated. The pain will have finally won. All that will be left are confused minds wondering “why?” |
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| All That Is Left A stream of tears a fragile little girl tangled in her fears now a bit older still lost and confused her words have gotten colder yelled at for anything she does she doesn’t know how to react it wasn’t her fault she was never loved everything built up inside is too much she slides a blade along her arm the blood trickles, it is warm to the touch the pain flows out along with the blood she is safe, if only for a moment relief comes over her like a flood cuts and burns along her arms without a doubt more will come they are easier to deal with than inside harm a new way to cope with past regrets why did she start this awful cycle now her scars will never let her forget years later the scars add up her charts and files passed around they are ready to give up, she is out of luck she wishes that she could have controlled this cutting at the same time she is thankful for this addiction that has caused her suffering everyone she loves is starting to fade she is drowning in her own pool of blood all she has left in the world, is her razorblade. |
| An Addiction In Disguise Pain hidden as relief blood mistaken for lost tears broken skin matches a broken heart A burn, a scratch here or there plays a trick and creates the illusion of comfort and release it masks itself and hides behind the hurt convincing you that it is needed it twists your thoughts until you give in pleased because it has won it snickers because you have fallen now you feel even worse so you slash at yourself again and again a myriad of deep red lines carved into skin eternally now you wonder why did I ever listen what can be done to overcome the lies of this deceitful addiction in disguise? |
| A Freezing Fire My heart is clouded with blue smoke unsettling its crystal walls are burning and tumbling my tears have the scent of regret they dried up so long ago, but they will never forget the blood from my arms scream silently, I am left tired and sore with a crash the droplets shatter as they hit the tiled floor my emotions crumple like paper inside your hands tossed and thrown aside, small as a grain of sand my mind is tangled yet unraveled at the same time broken thoughts that cannot be repaired, I pretend everything is fine scars are etched deep into my skin but none are as painful as the ones found within I feel ripped apart and raw, my flesh stripped from the bone I’ve never been so lost, scared, and alone a freezing fire is locked inside in its depths is where my soul resides the blade dances across my flesh, I feel like I could fly maybe I’m trying to free what is lost; beneath the hurt, betrayal, and lies. |
| Necessity Reluctant to speak A dazed confused look on your face Zillions of explanations Only makes it harder to understand Remember I never wanted to hurt you Red cuts help in so many ways And you couldn’t understand if you tried Zillions of ways to cope, but I can’t let this go Oddly, I think I need this to survive Reality is never what it seems Receding in this void Angst consumes my mind Zillions of times I have fallen Once an enemy now a necessity Repeated because of my craving for a catastrophe Rapture as well as torture Always in command Zillions of people could never Overpower my yearning for a sharp Razorblade |
| End I pierce my skin I tear my heart I fly with broken wings and cry with no emotion I’ll slash my arms Why can’t I win I just want to bleed bleed bleed bleed stab me stab me over again stab me stab me twist the knife let it all end precious is what I used to be now I’m filth again let me leave this tortured world following shadows that beat their skulls watching in delight instead of running instead of fright stab me stab me over again stab me stab me twist the knife let it all end bleed...bleed... bleed... |
| Throw It Away Throw it all away I’m leaving you today its adding up to be too much I’m cold to the touch my heart is frozen my life is broken nothing is ok nothing is fine I’m tired I’m hanging by a severed line throw it all way it’s happening again just leave me please just leave me let me drown in my pain trade in my soul for a day of happiness I think I’d rather rot and live with this filth and unwillingness throw it all away I’m leaving you today its adding up to be too much I’m cold my heart is frozen my life is broken I’m throwing it all away today. |
| This poem was written at a dark hour in my life. It is about how I thought people viewed me, worthless. Please do not take this like it is aimed towards anyone. Locked Lock the door hide away behind the perfect self portrait that you portray lock the door don’t you cry you claim everything is blue-ribbon but it is all a lie lock the door scream as time is suspended don’t reach for anyone your chance has ended lock the door hold the gun to your head you remember what was told to you that you’d be better off dead lock the door don’t look back, never! put your finger on the trigger free yourself, end it forever. |
| *Last Updated on: December 28, 2001* |
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| Crumble A small box of ashes filled with the chilled smell of winter useless and left in the dark they spread across the icy floor tiny whispering chimes sing mournfully as the delicate snowy notes fade into the walls waiting for a spark or warmth as hunger is even cracked and abandoned bitter blades chew barriers that trap emotion still no point in crying hollow and worn confused and blank ashes crumble to nothing. |
| A Little Bit Deeper If I cut a little deeper would the pain you caused go away if I made it bleed a little bit redder would it be easier for me to take if I burned a hole in my heart I don’t think that you’d care why did you have to do this to me I only loved you I only cared for you I trusted you and you took it all away If I cut a little deeper would the pain you caused go away if I made it bleed a little bit redder would it be easier for me to take I’ll never understand I’ll never be the same You ripped out my insides just to play a cruel game why did this happen why is everything so changed why did you stop caring maybe you never did If I cut a little deeper would the pain you caused go away if I made it bleed a little bit redder would it be easier for me to take if I burned a hole in my heart you wouldn’t care; you wouldn’t dare I only loved you... and you threw it all away. |
| I Was Never Saved I’m thinking of ending my life tonight how easy It’d be to take a pill or two maybe even three to lay down and close my eyes kiss the stars goodnight and never wake up to have to live this life I’m thinking of taking my life tonight how easy It’d be to load my fathers gun that could be the just the key to put it to my head my finger on the trigger and with a click my life would be over I’m thinking of ending my life tonight how easy It’d be to press my razor down a bit harder and slide it across my wrist to watch my pain flow out in a red stream until it’s gone forever I’m thinking of taking my life tonight I'm wishing for an end to all of this pain and misery why should I still pretend I am not happy I am not sane I was never cured I was never saved I’m thinking of ending my life tonight with a simple last action I could end it all now when I finally draw my very last breath I know everything will be alright. |
| How I Live A cut on my thigh another slash on my arm a bruise on my shoulder a burn on my hand this is what need this is how I survive this is me this is how I live covered by a sleeve a bracelet, a braid of hair a watch, a band-aid an excuse, but no tears this is what I need this is how I survive don’t take this away from me without it I couldn’t live leave me alone no, I’m not alright I just need to be by myself why is that so bad I want to disappear I want to hide I won’t cry I’ll just carve another bloody line you don’t have to like it you don’t have to stare don’t ask me I know you don’t care this is what I need this is how I survive this is me this is how I live this is how I live this is me... |