| BUSH TO OPEN CAN OF DIPLOMATIC WHOOP-ASS ON N. KOREA By Ludwig |
| WASHINGTON—Communist North Korea recently released declarations that they were reactivating their nuclear programs and reviving the Pyongyang reactor all in an attempt to create a powerful nation to stand against the United States. President Bush, in a characteristic act of competence, didn’t care. “We can deal with North Korea anytime,” said Bush to reporters. “We’re opening a can of whoop-ass on Saddam right now. Excuse me, we’re preparing for a possible Saddam ass-whooping. We’ll let North Korea have their fun for a few years, and then we’ll blow them away too.” “You see,” Bush elaborated to his confused country, “right now, Americans dislike Arabs. Therefore, I can get more votes by blowing up an Arab nation. Now, were I to go after Korea, I’d be called a warmonger and I’d lose a lot of votes, because Korea hasn’t destroyed one of our large buildings yet. Come to think of it, neither has Iraq…” “Korea can be handled by diplomacy,” Bush’s aides picked up for him. “Why resort to violence when diplomacy might work? Once we give Korea a few chances to disarm and they refuse, THEN we can nuke them into the stone ages. “I can’t believe we’re going to get away with this,” said an energetic Korean official. |
| Inside Pages |
| NATION STRUGGLES TO BE SURPRISED BY IRAQ DEVELOPMENTS By the Experts |
| PENTAGON—The United States released a landmark statement that stunned no one charging Saddam Hussein with drafting a faulty declaration of his deadly weapons, a move that places America further down the path of war with Iraq. “War, eh? I like chocolate,” said disinterested citizen Miles Andross. “Chocolate is a lot more surprising than this war. Chocolate has several options, like milk, dark, and white. War with Iraq has only one option: yes.” “We will not be satisfied until Saddam completely comes forward with all his information,” said President Bush to an unsurprised nation. “He has lied to us time and time again, and he will be punished! I give you my word of honor that this administration will punch holes in absolutely everything he sends to us! We will have our war!” “I never saw it coming,” said Jean Chretien, while trying hard to keep a straight face. |
| SMUG MOUSSAOUI PLAYS GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD By Kou Cao |
| GUATANAMO MILITARY BASE—National tensions ran high today as a smug Zacarias Moussaoui played a Get Out Of Jail Free card, escaping federal detention and integrating himself among the teeming millions. Moussaoui is suspected of aiding al-Qaida in the terrorist attacks of 9-11. He was nabbed by federal authorities and has been kept under brutal surveillance, until he displayed his authentic orange Monopoly game card to his bewildered captors. “I didn’t want to do it, but it was the real deal,” said the warden. “The card had Uncle Pennybags and everything! The laws’ the law, you know, so out he went.” Authorities are setting up at Go, just in case the cash-strapped Moussaoui decides he could use 200 dollars. |
| Opinion |
| INCARCERATE THE BASTARDS! By Billy-Ray Poole |
| All right y’all, I’m about to learn you some info’mation that’ll do you nice for a long time, y’hear? Right now, over a thousand people of Arab descent have been detained in Californian jails. If you’re from an Arab nation on a certain list, all males ages 16-20 must ‘register’, and when they do so they’re arrested en masse and ‘detained’. Well let me tell ya, I couldn’t be happier! Finally we’re havin’ somethin’ done about them goddanged Ay-Rab jerks. It’s just like them Japanese we done did incarcerate in World War 2. Get them outta the way, says old Billy-Ray! Incarcerate the bastards! Speaking of WW2, remember them Jews ‘registering’? And then what happened to ‘em? Hoo boy, I can’t wait for the new American concentration camps to spring up!!! It’s a great day to be a redneck bigot. I’m glad we have a true American like Prez Bush on the throne. I love how he covers it! “We’re doing it to stop illegal immigrants,” he says. But if that were true he’d target the dang Mexican illegals, but he don’t, do he? Good for you, Prez Bush! Show them Ay-Rabs the door! |
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| Point/Counterpoint: Stargazing |
| FOLLOW YONDER STAR! By One of the Three Kings |
| POINT |
| Come, my friends, come! A star shines brightly in the distance, a star that surely must have divine origins! I tell you my knees are weak with awe. This star must be herald...it is our guide! The Messiah has been born into the world, and we, the three wise kings, must now go to offer up gifts to the child savior! Stop staring at me. You know I am correct. And stop being so informal, you young fool! I am eldest among us and you will address me as ‘sir’! This is the guiding star, and if we follow it throughout the land we will eventually come across the Christ, the savior of all! Come! Gather gold and frankincense and jewels. Star of wonder...star of night! Star with royal beauty bright! Westward leading still proceeding...guide us with your perfect light. I can’t even look at it directly, it is so marvelous! |
| THAT'S THE SUN, SIR By Another of the Three Kings |
| COUNTERPOINT |
| What are you blathering about this time, old man? I can’t believe I got stuck here with you. All you do is claim you see things with divine origin. What’s this? A star, you say? I hate to burst your bubble, pal, but it’s still daylight. That “divine star” is the sun. What? Oh fine, that’s the sun, sir. You happy now, you old coot? What?! You want me to march across the country following the sun?! In case you hadn’t noticed, the sun tends to set. What are we gonna do then? Come on, you’re supposed to be wise. Are we gonna find some other divine star in the night? Jewels? No way am I bringing jewels to some kid I find after following the dang sun. What’s this...oh, it’s myrrh. That’ll do. Who the hell needs myrrh, anyway? I can live without it. Oh great, now he’s rhyming. Well, no wonder you can’t look directly at the star! IT’S THE SUN, IDIOT! |