| Holes in The Floor Of Heaven Author: Angel5000 Author Email: freckles5000@hotmail.com Summary: Obi-Wan's 15th Birthday. He goes through the birthday meditation ritual w/ Qui-Gon and something goes terribly terribly wrong.... Disclaimer: These characters and the Star Wars setting belongs to George Lucas (Healer Kemmerick is mine though). By writing this story I did not mean to break any copyright rules or anything like that. This is just written in fun. Um...I don't know who owns the song HOLES IN THE FLOOR OF HEAVEN but it isn't me - so don't sue me or anything because I take no credit for it (though I wish I could..) : ) Archive: Sure, but let me know first! Feedback: Please! Tell me what you think! Review or email me please! All opinions and critiques welcome. Thanx. WARNING: There is a small section in this story where Qui-Gon remembers back to a time when he had to punish Obi using corporal punishment. If that bothers you either 1)don't read the story or 2) skip Qui's memory - he only has one in this story anyway. ALSO this has some severe angst in it - true, it gets worked out in the end but the middle is pretty angsty (or at least that was what I was going for) so if that bothers you it may be best if you don't read this. * * * * One day shy of 8 years old My grandma passed away I was a broken hearted little boy Blowin' out that birthday cake Obi-Wan sat in his room waiting for his Master to return so that they could go through the birthday meditation ritual. Qui-Gon was with the Master Yoda. The two of them were quite close and were often found sitting together talking. The Padawan was looking forward to the meditaiton more than usual. The birthday meditaiton ritual wasn't like other meditating. It was easier to meditate with his Master than by himself. Qui-Gon walked into the room. "Are you ready Padawan?" He asked. It was very unusual for Obi-Wan to be ready for meditation. Usually his Padawan detested it. "Yes Master. I'm ready." I've been ready for the last hour. He thought to himself. Together, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon knelt on the floor facing each other and began the meditation. They began to bring up memories, both good and bad, from the last year. Remembering them fully. More than once Obi-Wan winced as a memory came up that he had tried quite often to forget. Qui-Gon wanted to block the memories that were hurting his Padawan, he wanted to stop them from coming at all but he knew he mustn't. His job in this meditation was to bring up the memories, he had to help Obi-Wan find every memory that he had of this last year, no matter how faint or how recent, how painful or pleasant they were. After they found the memories Obi-Wan had to study them, in a sense relive them. He would see where he made his mistakes and learn from them. Qui-Gon frowned, there was a part of his mind that Obi-Wan seemed to be relunctant to search, reaching in with the force Qui-Gon began to reach towards the memories that Obi-Wan was harboring. Almost immediently the boys guards went up. Ahh, so there was something there that either the boy was hiding or was purposely avoiding. Lower your guards Padawan, Qui-Gon said gently, You must embrace these memories, none of them must be left out of this meditation. Qui-Gon gently prodded, he could sense his Padawan's reluctance to open up this section of his mind. It's hard Master, the memories - I am afraid to bring them up, for some reason I can sense that they are painful. Even the painful memories bring good Obi-Wan. These memories will not always hurt, but in order to conquor your fear you must face it. Yes Master. Obi-Wan slowly lowered his shields. Quickly Qui-Gon reached into his mind and together the two accessed the memories. The Padawan gasped as memories of Melida/Daan come into view. Memories that he had pushed to the back of his mind so long ago, memories that filled him with so much pain that he felt as though he were being shot with blasters over and over again. Obi-Wan fought back the sobs as he relived every moment of Ceresi's death, the faceoff between Nield with the young verses the Elders. He saw her running from the Halls of Evidence, the blaster fire, Ceresi's scream, her glazed eyes, everything was so real, everything was so fresh again so fresh and real that it hurt more than anything else he had ever felt. Since Qui-Gon's bond was so strong with his Padawan he could feel the boys pain. Whenever a wave of pain hit him Qui-Gon felt it too. The older Jedi fought against the urge to block his Padawan's pain with the force but that would defeat the whole purpose of this meditation. Qui-Gon winced as another painful memory was brought up. He hadn't been with Obi-Wan when Ceresi had died, and so even though it had caused him sorrow it hadn't caused him as much pain as it did his Padawan. The initiate had formed a type of bond with the girl, and having to watch her die the first time was complete torture, a second time was like being in hell. STOP! Obi-Wan's mind screamed Please! Make it stop! Before Qui-Gon could respond the bond broke and he realized he no longer had access to the boys mind. For some reason Obi-Wan had cut him off. Quickly he jerked his head up and opened his eyes, just in time to see Obi-Wan collapse on the floor, sobbing and mumbling something Qui-Gon couldn't understand. How I cried when the sky let go With a cold and lonesome rain Mamma smiled and said don't be sad, child Grandma's watchin' you today Qui-Gon jumped up and hurried over to his young Apprentice. The boy was in a heap, his body racked with sobs. What had happened? What had caused the boy to break their connection so abruptly and collapse on the floor like that? If only I had known what those memories were! If only I had known... Qui-Gon scolded himself as he did his best to soothe the teenager. Gently the Master pulled the boy into his arms and carried him to his bed. As Qui-Gon sat beside his Padawan, rubbing his back slowly, he sent calming thoughts to him but they didn't seem to be working. It was as though their bond was completely gone. Reaching out with the force Qui-Gon suddenly realized with a start that he could not reach Obi-Wan. The boy had blocked all entrances to his mind, whether willingly or not Qui-Gon didn't know yet, but obviously he was in an emotional state that was more serious than he had thought. Had Cerasi's death really had that big of an impact on the boy? Was there some emotional or mental damage that had occured from watching his friends death? "I'm so sorry Obi-Wan, I'm so sorry that I made you relive those memories, I'm so sorry, so very sorry..." Qui-Gon said, over and over, trying to make the boy understand but although he was right beside him nothing Qui-Gon said seemed to reach him, and if he heard it he didn't seem to be able to comprehend it. Instead he just lay there, shaking, sobbing, and mumbling. The memories played over and over in his head, and there was nothing he could do to stop them.... Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven And her tears are pourin' down That's how you know she's watchin' Wishin' she could be here now Obi-Wan felt pain worse than any other pain he'd felt before in his life. The memories seemed to be tearing at his heart and soul, doing their best to devour and destroy him. STOP! Please make it stop! He screamed silently, over and over again. He tried to stop them himself but it was exhausting him. The extreme torture would stop for a few minutes but the moment he let his guard down they would be back, haunting him, tormenting him. Showing him over and over again that he had failed to save Ceresi, he had failed to save her, he had failed.... And sometimes if you're lonely Just remember she can see There's holes in the floor of heaven and she's Watchin over you and me Qui-Gon sat beside Obi-Wan, rubbing his back gently and trying without success to break down the barriers that the boy had around his mind. Even their bond seemed to be deadened. He could still sense that Obi-Wan was reliving memories but what memories they were and how much pain they were bringing he could not know. Really, the only thing that told him the boy was in pain was the occassional yell and the flinch, and of course the continual sobbing. "Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan you must lower your barriers! I cannot help you if you will not allow me to access your feelings! Padawn, please...please Obi-Wan, please..."Qui-Gon's voice trailed off, this was going no where. It was apparent that the boy could not hear him, let alone comprehend what was being said. Quickly the Jedi Master turned on his comlink, "Mace? "Qui-Gon? What's wrong? You sound upset." Mace responded, he and Qui-Gon had been friends since they were temple students and could easily tell when something was wrong with the other. "It's Obi-Wan, " Qui-Gon said in a strained voiced, "Please bring the healers." He said before cutting off the transmission. Seasons come and seasons go Nothin' stays the same I grew up, fell in love Met a girl who took my name Obi-Wan lay on the bed, the sobs had finally ceased but he was still curled up in a tight ball, his muscles to tense for even Qui-Gon to uncurl him. At the slightest touch from anyone he would flinch and even occassionally cry out. It had hurt Qui-Gon so much to see his Padawan shy away from his touch that the elder Jedi had positioned himself so that he was sitting as close to his Padawan as possible without really touching him. Obi-Wan's memories were torturing him again. His conscious just wouldn't leave him alone. Any memory at all that carried any sort of pain was brought up, Master! Master where are you? Obi-Wan screamed in his mind, searching frantically for Qui-Gon but he couldn't feel him. When he tried to access him through their bond he realized that the bond was closed, cut off. Master! Why are you blocking me from you? Why Master? Why? But Qui-Gon couldn't hear him and Obi-Wan's calling was in vain. Master what did I do that you are condemning me for? I'm sorry for whatever I did, I'm sorry Master! Please don't block me out! Suddenly the boy let out a stifled cry as another painful memory was brought up. *Memory* Obi-Wan watched from the window of the transport as he was taken from Coruscant, the only home that he'd ever known. The Jedi Counsel had decided to send him away, send him to be a farmer on the planet of Bandomeer because Qui-Gon didn't want him. No one wanted him. Just the thought of it tore at Obi-Wan's heart and he sat down on the bed, he couldn't bare to watch any longer as everything he'd ever known and loved was taken away right before his eyes. Those people down there, the Counsel Members, Instructors, Staff, Healers and Jedi Students were the only family he'd ever had, all his friends were there, and no one wanted him...no one wanted him....the only thing he was good enough for was a farmer...a farmer...a farmer... *Memory End* No one wants you....no one wants you.... The words echoed over and over again in Obi-Wan's head. The words were harsh and cruel, as though they were taunting him. Pictures of his friends came now, whenever Obi-Wan would see someone they would turn away with a look of disgust, We don't want you Obi-Wan....We don't want you they chanted. Obi-Wan fought the sobs that were coming upon him, fought the tears but the pain was too great, it was as though someone was inside of him, ripping up his heart and tearing up his soul. Finally he could hold back no longer, the tears came and the sobs again claimed his body. Year by year, made a life In this sleepy little town I thought we'd grow old together Lord, I sure do miss her now Qui-Gon could only watch as his Padawan lay on the bed, shaking. Whether he was shaking from fear, cold or pain Qui-Gon didn't know but whatever it was he didn't like it. "Are you sure there is nothing you can do?" Qui-Gon asked the healer again. For what seemed the millionth time the man shook his head. "I am sorry but I have no idea what is wrong with the boy. Apparently when you two were meditating you accessed some very painful memories and they have caused him severe pain, agony, and it seems there is guilt there too. Whatever memories are coming up he is guilty about something." Healer Kemmerick said quietly. "What about our bond? He has completely cut me off. He has never closed up so much before. Sure, he's raised his shields once or twice but never has he severed our bond. Not even Melida/Daan was like this, there it was gone completely as though we'd never had it. Now he's there, I can feel him but thats all and its worse than not having him at all." Qui-Gon's voice was strained and he was on the verge of loosing his composure. "Your bond is completely severed?" The healer asked in surprise, even though Qui-Gon had just answered that question. "No, not completely. I can still feel his presence through it but nothing else! Nothing! None of his feelings are available to me, I didn't even know what they were until you used that scanner!" Qui-Gon's voice rose slighty and Mace Windu placed his hand on his friends shoulder. The healer had brought along a scanner that could detect certain emotions. It was used in cases like this where the patients were unconconscious or had no control over their body, which was obviously Obi-Wan's problem. "Calm down Qui-Gon. Getting upset will not help Obi-Wan. If anything it will make it worse. When the boy opens up again do you want him to feel your anger and upset feelings before anything else? That would only cause him to close up again. He should feel your love and support. Those are the feelings you should be feeling now and they should be directed at him." Mace said quietly. He was worried about Qui-Gon. It wasn't very often that he got so upset. It was apparent to all who were present that Obi-Wan meant alot to him. "It may be that the shock from the memories caused Obi-Wan to break off the connection or it could be that unconsciously he broke it when trying to shield because he didn't want you to feel the guilt and pain he was feeling." Kemmerick continued. Qui-Gon only turned his head and stared numbly at the boy lying on the bed. It was no longer the bright, cheerful, active Obi-Wan he knew before. He would give anything to have that boy back, anything! The healer shook their heads sadly and left the room. There was nothing they could do for the boy and even more depressing was that he could do nothing for his Master either. He felt utterly helpless. "I am sorry but I cannot remain here, especially if there is nothing I can do. There are others that need my attention. Please, do not allow him to do anything rash. Keep him here. When that boy opens up their bond again he will need to feel Qui-Gon's comfort immediently, his sanity may depend on it." Kemmerick whispered to Mace before leaving. Mace nodded, "I will do my best." He said to the retreating healers back. And sometimes when I'm lonely I remember she can see There's holes in the floor of heaven and she's Watchin over you and me Qui-Gon watched as Obi-Wan's tears came back. What is wrong with the boy? What is happening? What is going on in his mind? Qui-Gon thought to himself, torn at his Padawan's appearance. The Healers had come and gone, they couldn't help the boy any more than he could. He was even missing Obi-Wan's cocky, smart aleck attitude that had gotten him into so much trouble before. Qui-Gon closed his eyes as the memories came upon him. *Memory* Qui-Gon sat at the desk trying to read a datapad. He had read the same paragraph 5 times now but he still couldn't remember a word of it. Where is that boy? I told him to be back at 9:30 and here it is 10:52! He thought to himself. He was full of worry and yet at the same time he was a little angry at the boy for disobeying his orders. Suddenly he felt the boys presence. The door opened and Obi-Wan started to walk across the common room towards his bedroom. If only I can get to my room I'll be fine...Qui-Gon will never know... The boy thought to himself, hoping his Master was asleep. I don't think so Qui-Gon said, sending the words through their bond. Obi-Wan turned and faced his Master, "Hello Master," He said with forced cheerfulness, "I'm surprised you're still up....I assumed you would have been in bed long ago." His words bold, perhaps a little too bold. "Hasn't anyone ever told you not to assume things? Where have you been Padawan?" Qui-Gon asked, getting right to the point. "No where." Obi-Wan mumbled, as he headed towards his room. Qui-Gon took a quick step forward and grabbing Obi-Wan's arm spun him around. "Where have you been?" He growled. The boy sure had a lot of nerve, brushing off his tardiness, and disobedience so easily. "I said no where, can't you just let me be?" The boy responded, his voice rising. Qui-Gon slapped the boy. The slap wasn't hard enough to leave a large mark, just hard enough to turn his cheek a little red, sting a bit and remind the boy who was in charge. "Now, are you going to tell me where you were and why you are just now getting in, almost 90 minutes past your curfew or do I have to make your right cheeck match your left?" His voice was sharp and his eyes hard. He couldn't believe the boy was acting this way. Obi-Wan gingerly felt his cheek before meeting his Master's gaze, "I was out with Garen and Reeft, at a party. We lost track of time if its any of your business." Obi-Wan responded. When his Master had slapped him it had made him mad and now he was making some pretty stupid choices in his use of words. Qui-Gon only stared at Obi-Wan for a few minutes before pulling him to the couch by his braid. "Okay Padawan, I've had enough of your sass. I am sorry that I have to do this but you've left me no choice but to give you a punishment that will stay in your memory for a while." Obi-Wan's eyes grew large, he had an idea where this was going and he knew he wouldn't like it. "Master, I-" "Obi-Wan you aren't going to be able to plead your way out of this one. Not this time. You've gone just a little bit to far." Pulling the boy over his knees Qui-Gon brought his hand down with a hard smack to Obi-Wan's rear. *Memory End* Qui-Gon took a deep breath as he remembered the night. He had given Obi-Wan a good spanking and the boy hadn't sassed him like that since. Although he did get a little out of control, the need for a physical "reminder" hadn't been needed in a while. Why couldn't Obi-Wan just shake this thing off? Qui-Gon missed him so much that he was ready to start barganing with the boy. He was almost ready to tell him that if the boy snapped out of it he wouldn't punish him ever again - but that would be a foolish deal. It would only end in Obi-Wan turning out so spoiled and so rotten that in the long run it would have been better for him to have died, no matter how cruel it sounded. Mace watched his friend as he too, was pulled along memory lane. He sighed and poured himself a glass of tea, tonight was going to be a long night. Well, my little girl's 23 I walk her down the aisle It's a shame her mom can't be here now To see her lovely smile Obi-Wan cried out suddenly, a sound that made Qui-Gon flinch visibly. What's going on in his head? What can be torturing him like this? Qui-Gon thought to himself, very much disturbed. It wasn't like Obi-Wan to let a simple little thing as awful memories get him down. Obi-Wan gasped as memories rushed up at him, memories that he had long since pushed to a far corner of his mind. The memories of Melida/Daan and his betrayle came next, each one worse than the previous one, until finally the pain was so great that Obi-Wan was nearly screaming. *Memory* Obi-Wan hurried toward the starfighter. If only he could get there before Qui-Gon then he could take it and shoot down the starfighters of the Elders and return it before it was missed. It was true that Qui-Gon would be angry with him if he ever found out and he could possibly send him away but right now Obi-Wan was dealing with something that was stronger than his need to please Qui-Gon, he was dealing with something that had grabbed his heart. He knew he needed to help the Young and that was what he was going to do. As he decended the hill he realized with a jolt that Qui-Gon had beaten him to the starfighter. He saw Qui-Gon's face change as the boy approached, Qui-Gon obviously thought he was coming here to join them on their journey back to Coruscant. Unfortunatley he was wrong. Before Qui-Gon could open his mouth Obi-Wan blurted out his request, "I need the starfighter to help the Young. The Elders are attacking with their own starfighters and I promised them I would bring ours to help." "What are you thinking Obi-Wan? Tahl is already on board and we are ready to take off. If you take the starfighter than Tahl could die before your return. No, you may not have it. This is not our fight Padawan, the Counsel has ordered us to stay out of it. We are going back to Coruscant." Qui-Gon said, hoping the boy wouldn't defy him again, "I will not let you defy me this time. To many times I turned my head down in the tunnels but this time you are going to far." Obi-Wan slowly drew his lightsaber and turned it on. At the same time Qui-Gon drew his own. They stood there for what seemed like a long time before both turned the weapons off, but in those few seconds Obi-Wan could see the look of amazement, betrayl, fear and the worst of all disappointment. Quietly the boy handed his lightsaber over to the man he had most admired and turned to run back to his friends. He could hear the transport taking off in the distance and as his former Master left it suddenly hit him what he had just done. *Memory End* You betrayed him! You hurt and disappointed him! Now you are no better than Xanatos! You don't deserve to be this mans Padawan, You betrayed him... The words played themselves over and over in Obi-Wan's mind until finally he couldn't take it any longer. It was then that the screams came; not loud, bloodcurdling screams but instead the quieter screams of someone trying to stay quiet but being put through such an extreme torture that it is virtually impossible. They throw the rice, I catch her eye As the rain starts comin down She takes my hand, says daddy don't be sad Cause I know mamma's watchin now Qui-Gon woke with a jerk and looked around. Something was different and he couldn't put his finger on it. The room was so quiet, silent even. The silence! For hours Obi-Wan had been quietly crying and screaming and now the room was totally quiet and the only sound that could be heard was the boys quiet, ragged breathing. It had been the sudden silence that had jerked him out of his uneasy sleep. "Obi-Wan? Padawan can you hear me?" Qui-Gon asked quietly. Gently he reached out through their bond, sending comforting and loving images toward the boy. "Come on Obi-Wan, I know you can beat this. I don't know whats happening in there but please fight it!" Mace walked in at the sound of Qui-Gon's voice and stood next the pleading man, "I think he's coming through but it will still take awhile. Why don't you get some food and I'll keep watch over the boy." The dark skinned man said, hoping that his friend would take the offer. It had been a couple of days since the boys Master had even gone near any food. He'd been living on water and pure determination. Qui-Gon looked up at his friend and nodded, "I'll eat. But I'll only be gone a few minutes, I don't want to leave him alone for long." The other man nodded his approval and then sat beside the quiet boy. Yes, he was coming through. The boy would make it... And there's holes in the floor of heaven And her tears are pourin down That's how you know she's watchin Wishin she could be here now Obi-Wan was going through torture, pure, evil torture. His mind just wouldn't leave him alone! Help me! Somebody help me! Please help me! Obi-Wan was crying out in his mind, begging for someone to help him, begging for someone to stop the pain. He knew that no one could hear him yet he continued to scream out, hoping someone would take pity. Suddenly his thrashing stopped and he was filled with a strange calm. The calm came from a presence that he recognized but hadn't felt in many months, a presence he had thought he would never feel again, a presence that he had felt die back on Melida/Daan, a presence that shouldn't have existed anymore. Obi-Wan, do not despair. Someone has heard your calls for help and I have come. I have come my friend to relieve you from your pain and your guilt. Please do not hurt yourself any longer. There is nothing you could have done to save me and I do not blame you. The presence grew stronger and Obi-Wan could feel it reaching out to his mind. It was then that he realized that she was here to free him from his guilt, she was here to unlock the chains that bound his mind. Why didn't you come sooner? If you do not blame me why did you make me suffer? Everyone has left me! Even my master has blocked me from his mind! Obi-Wan cried out. Oh Obi-Wan, my dear sweet Obi-Wan. I could not come sooner for you would not let me in. Every time I tried you would raise your shields higher and your guilt would increase. It is the guilt that has caused you these exaggerated nightmares. My sweet friend it is not your Master blocking you out but you blocking him out. He has been trying to help you for days. He would not leave you. The spirit grew bright for a few seconds before it started to fade. Don't go! Cerasi don't leave me! It has been to long! Please....please stay - help me.... My friend it up to you now. I have freed your mind of the guilt but you must fight it, you must open your mind and unlock your shields. Let you master in my friend, let him in.... Her presence faded quickly until Obi-Wan could feel it no longer. It was then that he realized with a start that he had control over his mind again and he could open the shields. Slowly and deliberately he opened them, reaching out tentatively for his Master, instantly he could feel Qui-Gon's love. His eyes opened and he found himself staring into Qui-Gon's kind yet worried face, "Master..." "Shh, Obi-Wan. Don't talk. Rest my boy. You are fine now, everythings okay. Rest." Qui-Gon quieted him gently. "Master, Cerasi - she was here. She freed me Master, Cerasi saved me - she has released me from my guilt." "Calm down. We can talk later Padawan. Right now you must rest. Do not worry, I won't leave you." Qui-Gon sent suggestions of rest and sleep to the boy. "Thank you Master, Thank you for staying." And then, the boy slept. And sometimes when I'm lonely I remember she can see Yes, there's holes in the floor of heaven and she's Watchin' over you and me Watchin' over you and me Watchin' over you and me The End |