New Years Resolutions 2007

I stopped trying to better myself a couple of years ago on the grounds that I had already hit peak, but New Years always gives me the opportunity to try to improve myself without anyone noticing.  In no particular order, here's what I hope to accomplish in 2007.

10. Instead of go to the gym, tie heavy weights to my body all day and do everything normal.

9.  Floss only when I am drunk. This was going to be "Floss even if I am drunk," because I reasoned that if I flossed when I was drunk then I would probably do it sober, too.  Then I realized that I have a 21st birthday coming up and attacking the floss issue from this angle might prove even more effective.

8.  Don't eat meat...that is nasty and old. Sadly, this isn't the first time I've posted about this problem (the first time was - appropriately enough - in a piece called  My Tapeworm & Me).  While I managed to shake this habit after moving out of Lyon Hall, my recent move to a college house has kinda brought this issue to new heights.  So hopefully 2007 will see a decline in my nasty meat intake.

7.  Have a conversation with a G.I. in which he is forced to use the phrase, "Now you know," and then immediately shout, "And knowing is half the battle!"

6. Next time Jared Tesler Facebooks me, get him committed for Facebook addiction. I swear to God, Jared Tesler has asked me to be his Facebook friend about 700 times, and I've confirmed it almost every time, but if he keeps at it I'll have no choice but to report him...or quit Facebook, which I'm probably going to do anyway.

5. Get into a situation where it's either my life or the puppy's.

4.  Find God.  Tag him, tell him He's it, then run and hide and make Him look for me.

3.  Random days where I only speak in iambic pentameter.

2.  Get my work published.  In Hustler.

1. Follow up on that old axiom that says, "You should be so happy that when other people look at you, they're happy too" but modify it, so that I'm so happy that when people see me they're like, "Damn, I wish I was that happy,"and they feel worse about themselves.

So that's what you can all expect for 2007.  I hope none of you are a puppy...

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