This man would come every once in a while and I guessed he must have been my boyfriend. I learned later it was his car I was driving the night of the accident. I only had a little memory of him but I thought that I must have loved him, not really remembering what that love emotion was all about. I can only now say that what I felt for him was dependancy. I wanted him to visit whenever he could and if he didn't I would become very upset. I wanted anyone to visit. He would visit me twice a week, my Mom would come twice a week too. The days in the hospital were so long I thought about going home constantly. I kept asking "When can I go home?" to anybody that would listen to me. I missed my three kids so much. My baby was only 1 1/2 years old. I missed them so much! My ex-husband would bring my older ones up to visit me and my mother would bring them also, but my baby, I never saw her for three months and it was breaking my heart. They finally started letting me home on weekends (this was around Hallow'een) and my baby's father brought her for the very first time, this was a heart wrenching scene, she started screaming to her father "Daddy don't leave me with that woman!!" she didn't remember who I was, and I couldn't blame her I couldn't remember me either. That memory still hurts me when I think of it, but I understand how hard it was on her too, she was so young and young children don't have long memories either. Thank God now we are inseparable!! Yes inseparable she is and maybe a little spoiled now too. It was hard raising the kids, sometimes I would just give them whatever they wanted rather than listen to them whine or complain about things, it was much easier to just give in. I know that it was wrong now, but that was the only way I could handle them back then without losing my temper as I do often now, I can't seem to control it the way I use to. Ok where was I?, oh yes, when my youngest daughter came home on weekends once I was home myself, I was just so glad to see her but she didn't understand what has happened to me. She would grab onto my sore arm and start swinging on it, the way young kids do, and boy did that ever hurt, it felt like my arm was going to come right out of its socket (it has many times while I was in the hospital), I didn't care though I was just so happy to see her. My other children were 9 and 10 at this time so they understood a bit more as to what happened to me and what I was going through physically.
I would go home on weekends and every time, I didn't want to go back to the hospital, I hated it there. It was three hours away from everyone, all my friends and family. So it was hard for them to visit me, and I craved visitors so much without them the days would just drag. The clock became an enemy of mine, it kept showing me how slow the time would pass, and boy I really loved the watch my mother bought for me while I was there. By now I think I was driving the Doctors nuts contantly asking them when I could go home I always got the same answer "When you're ready" Boy! did I ever hate that answer. Finally I heard or maybe I just overheard someone saying that I would be going home on the 14th of November, I couldn't wait, I really enjoyed crossing off the days on the calender with big black marker, but again the days didn't pass swiftly enough.
While I was in the hospital I had this lovely lady in my room. She was really nice during the day ... but at night!!! she snored, and how she snored!!! she kept me awake all night long. I would be wandering the halls with my blankets, I guess maybe I looked like Linus from the peanuts trying to find someplace to sleep. Sometimes I would sleep in the TV room, sometimes I would just sit there watching TV unable to sleep. There were also times I would wander into the nurses lounge and had tea with them until 3 or 4 in the morning. Not once in all this time did anyone ever suggest that maybe it wasn't just the snoring that was bothering me all night that sometimes with head injuries people develop sleep disorders also. I had my boyfriend bring in sleeping pills for me, to help me sleep, I thought this would be the best thing to do, i didn't like the idea of asking the nurses to change my room, I didn't want to be a bother. This wasn't the brightest thing to do even after all these years I still need the pills to get to sleep and still this sleep disorder is quite the thing to get use to, I need the pills, I need complete darkness and COMPLETE QUIET.
This is really hard for me, both emotionally and mentally. So if it seems like maybe I'm jumping around a bit.. well maybe I am but I am just trying to remember everything I can. This is seven years of memories I'm trying to recall, I guess I should have kept that journal like everyone told me to keep.
My rehab. doctor told me I was definatly not to drink alcohol, and that wasn't very bright of him to say to ME! So the first time I was allowed home for the weekend I drank a whole magnum of wine with my boyfriends family, trying to be the "Old Me" but all I did was get sick all over the place, and I didn't even realize that I was getting sick. Well i guess just maybe the doctor was right I should not have done that. Now I was more depressed then everand I backslided, my vision was doubled for weeks after that. A hangover on a person lasts about a day, I was hungover for weeks.
Now we hit November 14th on the calender, I am released from the hospital after 79 days, and not a moment too soon for me, I am free.......... or am I?
