When I was released for the hospital it was with the understanding that I would stay with my parents. This way they could help me with things, and I did. I believe I stayed there for about a week at the most then I went home. So there i was, at home with my three kids, my boyfriend at that time would stay over alot, helping me with my kids. It was a struggle with my youngest child, I could even bathe her so he helped me with things like that as well as other things that I just couldn't do still.
Everything was arranged for me when I got home, I had a homemaker 5 days a week, six hours a day. We became real close, she seemed to like me for who I was, which I really needed. I didn't know how she could like me, I didn't like me.. and my friends - the friends of the "Old Gayle" were becoming distant, I figured they didn't like me either. Some would tell me that it was hard for them to see me now with the way I was, this just tore me apart even more, not only did I lose me and who I was, I was losing all my friends too.. I didn't like me, they didn't like me, my kids didn't know me and were scared of me, who was I? .. .who wanted me? So I was thrilled that this wonderful woman accepted me for who I was now!! She made me feel wanted for just who I was now she was incredible, her name was Joanne. I also had an O.T. that would come to my house. The O.T. told me that i had to pace myself and take naps in the afternoon, I couldn't sleep at nights let alone in the afternoons. My baby was a growing concern, the O.T. told me I should get someone to watch her - Big Mistake!! In my eyes I thought she just didn't like her and with me being away from her so long I didn't want to be away from her anymore. Right away I phoned the Rehab Consultant and told her to keep this woman away from me. I explained why I wanted her gone and said that this woman just didn't understand what it was like to have and care for children and miss them so much. The Rehab Consultant asked me to explain all this to the O.T. well I did as politely as I could. So the O.T. looked me straight in the eyes and told me that she is sure she knows how it feels to raise kids, she has 4 of her own...ooops!.. I thought, so once I pulled my foot out of my mouth we talked some more, she explained again what she meant and this time I listened without having my back up. She also told me that if she ever said anything again that offends me to tell her right away so we could talk about it right away because she didn't want to hurt me in any way. She wants to help me not hinder me in any way, she became my right arm after that. She was a great help and a great woman.
My mother was at my house constantly always helping me with things. I don't know what I would have done if it were not for her. I guess my boyfriend was getting a little bit put out, growing more and more distant. Then he tried turning me against my family, telling me thing about them that when I think about it now was just rediculous. However, back then I was so impressionable, I believed his crap and lies, or maybe it was my dependancy on him that made me believe him, either way he drove the wedge in and turned me against my family... and my Mom. I was so dependant on him and I did everything I could to keep him happy. I knew I wasn't the "Old Gayle " that he wanted , and I wanted so much for him to want the "New Gayle" I tried so show him how much I could still do, that I was still useful. I remember one time he bought the kids some new bed, I told him I would get rid of the old ones so he wouldn't have to bother about them, I wanted to show him that I could do it myself, well I tore the old beds apart, broke the wood up and stuffed it into the fireplace to burn, and burn it did, one small problem though, I forgot to open the flue in the fire place. The house quickly filled with smoke and the heat from the fireplace got so hot it melted the glass windows on the fireplace doors. What a mess, and the smoke smell was always there. I was so upset, I wanted him to know I was still a useful person, someone worthy of his love and I screwed things up. I don't know why it bothered me so much, looking back on it I know I was just so dependant on him. I just so much wanted to be loved, by anyone, and he was just the one there at the time. At this time I was living in a small town, only about 5 minutes from my parents. My boyfriend moved me out into the country about a half hours drive from my parents, and me I have no licence at the time so i couldn't go anywhere, I was basically a prisoner in my own home. During all this time he kept telling me he wanted me back the way I was before, like I could just take a pill, or snap my fingers and change right back. He said it time and time again, if I didn't go back to the Old Gayle he was leaving. Well one day my mom was over and the two of them had a hugh fight and he said it again, well my Mom told him "why wait, leave now!" his response was "thats what I've been waiting to hear" and he was gone. After two weeks he came back to see me I thought he was going to be happy to see me as I was him, I was so fixated on him. He just walked in and started walking around picking up things that were his. He kept going on and on about how disappointed he was that I didn't back him up against my mother. I couldn't remember that fight let alone what was said, I know that at that time I couldn't handle that kind of stress, I just withdrew into my self and didn't pay attention to their fight, I couldn't handle it. He gathered up all his belongings and said he was leaving, I asked him for a hug he said to me "I don't want to get your hopes up". It would have been better to have never seen him again. I was so devasted luckily I never heard from him again. (once again, Thanks Mom)
For the next little while my parents were not to leave me alone because I was very suicidal and depressed. This was a misconception of all the doctors, that it was clinical depression, it wasn't. i was depressed because of the way I was now compared to how I was before. No medicine could fix that! I know I've tried them all. I was depressed because the person I was before was very energitic, fun loving, I played ball twice a week, I line danced five times a week, I bowled twice a week, I had lots of friends, I was always on the go. Well now the person that wouldn't even answer the phone without looking just right didn't care about her appearance at all. I never wore make-up anymore, I didn't care what my clothes looked like, I just didn't care about anything. I even cut my hair all off, I had the same hair dresser for five years and I would never let her cut too much off, but now I just couldn't take care of it anymore. My arm and head hurt too much to try to comb it. My homemaker was around more often now sometimes for supper and even over night they had me on a suicide watch. I had good people around now, my family, my homemaker, the people downstairs I grew very fond of, and my support person.
My support person would come by twice a week, we would go do shopping, or do some volunteer work at an old age home, something that I wanted to do before my accident. I have always enjoyed talking with older people, they have been through so much life and I was never bored with the stories they would have to tell. I fed some that couldn't feed themselves, I walked around talking to the different people. I was happy, feeling needed and useful once again. Soon I went over to another retirement home, one which I liked better. I grew very fond of one elderly man. We had become good friends. He was recovering from a stroke so we would compare how high we could straighten our arms above our heads. He was a sweetie. I was told by the supervisor that I was spending too much time with him and I sould spread myself around more with the other residents, so I did. I could see that he really missed our time together. One day I stopped by to talk to him a bit, he looked at my arms and saw the bruises and remembered about my shots, I mentioned to him before about my getting shots of B12 to give me more energy. I told him that they gave my arms a rest and gave me the needle in my butt. This was overheard by the supervisor how knew I had a head injury. I was called into her office again and told that my talking like that to an elderly man was very inappropriate, she made me feel so stupid, like I didn't know how to behave, how to talk to people. I felt like I couldn't function in public properly anymore. I never went back there. I lost a lot of sleep over that. I was really hurt and I felt stupid again. I realize now that supervisor was just waiting for me to screw up and she was not a very nice person at all. About four months later I found out that my friend, the elderly gentleman from the retirement home had died, I found out when and where the funeral was taking place and I went. I finally got to meet all the family that he told me about. Some of them I could pick out just by looking at them because his stories described them so well. My O.T. also arranged for someone to come and be a "driver" for me taking my kids to the "Y" and me to doctors appointment etc. This manreally picked me up emotionally, especially after the retirement home incident. He kept telling me that I was a great mother, I was making lots of progress, etc. his encouragement really picked me up.
I had another operation on my arm, this time to remove the pins. It was around this time that I decided to take myself off the sleeping pills, well this worked well! I don't think I slept for about three months. I started to look and feel like one of the zombies from "Night of the Living Dead" Well needless to say I put myself back on them and never tried to get off them again, I dare not.
Over the next while I tried desperately to find love, well love as i thought of it at the time. I'm still not sure what I was looking for. I just wanted someone that wanted me. I wanted someone that would make me feel needed and useful, the way the "Old Gayle" felt. God, thinking back over it now hurts me, embarasses me, I can't believe some of the things I did. I had one guy that did everything for me. I just sat around while he worked like a maid, doing all the cooking, cleaning etc. I knew I didn't love him and didn't want him, I knew this one wasn't going to last. I was set back by this, I wasn't doing any healing like this, I wasn't doing anything period! When I dumped him he took it hard, first he attempted suicide as a ploy to make me stay, when that didn't work he left along with a lot of my things he stole off of me. There was also a time I was letting my baby's father come around. I was thinking we could just pick up where we left off when I dumped him 1 1/2 years ago. I couldn't even comprehend the time gap. I just thought we would carry on. He was just having his way with me when he wanted it. I didn't even notice that he was just using me. Thinking back over this almost makes me sick. I still can't believe the way some of the men back then during my recovery period used me and took advantage of me. I know I wasn't perfect myself, I know I wasn't. I was reaching out trying to grasp on to someone, anyone... I lost myself, my friends, my life as it once was. I so deperatly needed someone to help fill the void. It took me years to get over that, many years... many men and so very much pain. Boy I can't believe what I put myself through trying to get the "Old Gayle" back. I can't believe it was me doing that.. going through all that. I guess really in many ways it wasn't me, if you can understand what I mean by that. I sacrificed so much of me in my search for acceptance.
So there I was living out in the country with no licence. When you have a head injury it is the doctors obligation to notify the Ministry of Transportation, in case you have siezures, so it is for medical reasons that they took it from me. Now to get it back, that was a chore. I had to have E.E.G. done first, to make sure there was no siezure activity. Next I had to go for a driving assessment, which involved watching a movie where I had to point out the danger spots, during this there was a brake pedal I had to step on, this was all monitored for my reaction times. If I pass that I next go for road tests where my driving is evaluated, my driving instructor recommended quite a few lessons as it seemed that I picked up many bad driving habits in my 15 years of driving, all of which were accident free. After 8 more months of this I got my licence back, one in ten are required to rewrite their driving test, I didn't they just returned my licence.
