While all this crap from my boyfriend was going on I also had fights with the insurance companies to deal with too. So there was alot of stress ... a lot!!!! I ended up taking much of my frustration out on my kids. I regret so much of what happened back then.. and what I put them through. I lost one of my daughter, she moved to her father's. This hit me real hard, I have never felt pain like that before, it devastated me. I finally ended that relationship, it took me awhile but I finally saw what everyone was telling me. Yes it was a bad and very harmful relationship, one that was harming me far worse than i ever thought. So after some threatening, some yelling, a lot of guilting and head games from him it ended, he now knew I was never going to come back this time, he knew I wasn't going to take his crap, his garbage and head games anymore, no one deserves to be treated like garbage, no one!!!
Well one thing I noticed about people who become head injured, some want to hide the fact that they are and others like me want to get out there and help others with head injuries, so thats what I do every chance I get. I have meet alot of wonderful people while doing this, and I believe I was able to help some. Some head injured men that I have tried to help misunderstand my intentions and this caused problems and it really hurt when I had to stop assisting the,. That didn't happen too often though which I am grateful for. I do volunteer work through my local Head Injury Association. This I really love doing, I have meet some of the greatest people. There are alot that have really become important to me, they are Glenn my personal trainer, now this man comes up with the most amazing stories. He had a story for everything, no matter what I was facing in my life Glenn would reach innto his archive of life stories and lessons and pull out one that would fit. There was always a "I know a friend that..." or " Have I ever told you about...." and then the famous " Did you ever wonder why.... " Glenn always had a way of telling me things that would take my mind off things that were bothering me. One that really got me thinking was when he asked me what was stressing me this time last year... I couldn't remember, I told him. He would get that know-it-all look and tell me "see!!!!"
Grace is a sweetheart, this was an elderly woman that the head injury association asked me to become a friendly visitor for, we would meet once a week. Well we became so close, she has become family to me. She has a way of looking right inside me and she can tell when something is bothering me... no matter how well I try to hide it, and she always manages to dig out the problems and get me talking about them. Years ago I stopped filling out the forms for volunteering with my visits, to me it is a honour to be with her, I didn't feel right putting it on paper that it was a task, it never could be.
Then there is Angie.... oooohhhh Angie, where do I begin here. I meet this charming head injured lady at a head injury function.. and she is soon to recieve another head injury from me!!!! I am Abbott to her Costello (I get to be the slimmer one hehe!!) we fight like cats and dogs, always trying to get the better of each other. We are always pulling jokes on each other, getting in little digs. YeT I know if i needed anything she would be there for me, and she knows I would be there for her too!!
Next we come to Karen, this woman is just one year as a survivior, I see so much of me in her at one year, we have grown so close. When she first met Angie and I she didn't want to get in the middle of it, now she jumps right in there with noth feet!! Her like Angie I know would be there for me, and she knows I'll always be there for her too, She is a great woman who always has an ear, a smile and a joke to cheer me up.
Now Deb is the support worker in my aream she is the support worker for me, Grace, Angie and Karen.... as well as others, I don't know how this poor woman does it and not have her hair go white... I have seen it bright yellow once though!!! but I'll never mention that here, lol... I'm surprised this lady hasn't lost her sanity yet... well I don't thick she has. She is so wonderful she has planned so many things, movie nights, bowling, etc. She gives so much of herself, she is amazing, always a smile on her face and an ear to give.
Now many people have come to mean so much to me , I don't know what I would do without them next to my family, they are the most important people in my life. I know my recovery, my life would have been more of a struggle without them. My life would truely be empty without them to share it with. I am so lucky to have my life blessed with them as part of it.
I have lost most of my friends when I got head injured, but I have found better friends, closer friends. I have lost past boyfriends also, but now I have a much better man in my life, one that treats me like a Queen, treats me like gold. I also lost me in my accident, but there too I think I came out a better me, I do believe that. Sure it took a knock on the head by a truck, but I found out what my family truely means to me, how much my Mom really does love me. I found out who my friends really are and where to find them and what man loves me just for me.
It was about this time that I met a guy on the computer who said the nicest things to me.....wrote me poems and made me feel like I was someone really special..we met in person and things just excalated from there.....well to make a long story short he moved in with me, him and his 2 children....his kids were teenagers and it turned out to be too much for me again and he had to move out....Maybe in time I will be able to believe that he was truthful in what he said .
It was a long road to get me where I am now. Gallons of tears, many heartbreaks and several setbacks, bumps and obstacles to overcome. There have been many times I never thought I could make it, there have been many times I wasn't sure I even wanted to try. To write this I have had to relive the death of the "Old Gayle". I had to face once more, the skeletons of my past, some of the most horrid and heartwrenching times of my life. In a way I believe going through it now was more painful then living through it when it happened as now I am more aware, more in control more conscious of whats happening around me. Well I have survived the accident, and I have survived the recovery and I have survived the road back. I have worked hard to get as close to the "Old Gayle" as I believe I can get. Many have told me that I am pretty much her, the "Old Gayle" just a little smoother around the edges. I"m not sure if I like to be called the "New Gayle or the "Old Gayle, the "Survivor Gayle" or the "Nicer Gayle", some even called me the "Well Travelled Gayle" because I've been to death and back... please there is no need to call me any of them... it would make me happy enough to just have you call me Gayle, that is who I am , or better yet, what really puts a smile on my face is when you call me Friends!!
Well this is the next part of my story. I have not wrote in this for quite sometime now. I met a man from England,his name was Darren. He was my White Knight, I thought. I thought he was going to rescue me from this life I was leading, but I was wrong, it wasnt in Gods plan. We were together for 2 1/2 yrs and he called me his princess and I in turn called him my prince. I tried to do all I could to please him, I spent all kinds of money travelling to England for visits, even to the point of missing Christmas with my own children, which I truely regret. I was to the point of sacrificing my own life, my friends and family to try and be all that he wanted from me. In the end I was cast away, without and reason. Up until the end he kept telling me how much he loved me how thrilled he was to have me in his life, then one day out of the blue he wanted nothing more to do with me, and never a reason why! The deep hurt he caused me still burns inside, not only the loss of our love, the hurt I feel for sacrificing my friends and family to spend as much time as I could with him, and not so much trying to pay off the debt of the trips to England, a big part of the hurt is the unanswered questions of what went wrong, why he cast me away. I guess that is something he may never have the heart or guts to tell me. However, I did find out through a friend that he had been seeing someone else while he was leading me on, and he had her move in with him. So I see that his love for me wasn't real.... That is what I guess hurts the most, giving so much of myself to someone that lies to my face, and to my heart.
These events have taught me a valuable lesson, it isnt the man you have on your arm or any of the possesions that you have that makes you a good person. It how you feel about yourself and how you treat others in your life that makes you special. So I am now dedicating my life to trying to make others feel special in their life. I am going to retirement homes and finding out what people are there that have no one to visit them, no letters coming in and that their whole life is that home they are in and their only family is the people there. I am sending them cards telling them that they are thought of and are special. If it just brings a little smile or a bit of encouragement, its worth it to me. In turn they are helping me through this rough spot in my life. I have my personal trainer to thank for this idea, Glenn Millar is my inspiration,he shows me all the time that life is good and its worth living. He is always so positive and then that makes me more positive too, so I would like to take this time to thank him and thank God for crossing our paths in this life, because without him to keep me focused. Who knows where I'd be....Well I wouldn't give up this last hard lesson or any of the lessons I have had because you see its not a mistake unless you dont learn from it. I have learned so much in the last little while. I have learned some easy lessons and some very hard ones but they were all lessons that had to be learned. I have also began a new struggle, I have buried my fears and went out and found a job. This is something that I never thought I'd be able to do considering all my health problems from the accident. I don't tell the people what I have lived through, I want to make it on my own without any sympathy from them. I want to do it on my own merits. So far it has been quite a struggle, but I'm doing it, so please keep your fingers crossed for me!!
One more thing, I have a special thank you to Chris who has designed this page for me, even through the pain that I have caused him. He is there to help me with this page, he has wrote some of the poems on my page and he types all my story in for me cause I am not sure what I am doing on computers. So thank you Chris and I will keep this story up as much as I can......God Bless everyone and please keep me in your prayers....because that is all I ask in return for this story...
Do not attempt to judge me
please do not shun me
pain you give won't heal me