Damn, I wish I said that...
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"Whenever I'm having a bad day I like to remind myself of the madness that would ensue if our currency system was based on live insects."
"I bet we wouldn't ride horses as much if they had an extra set of chainsaw legs."
"If I ever decide to get into body piercing I think I'll ask them to use one of those big hole punchers. That way I could hang 3-ring binders from my chest and carry around recipes and things."
"Do we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you? Keep in mind that these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT."
"Once you overlook threading your chest with a steel rod, spinning until you puke, and having your legs and feet involuntarily crushed with a heavy plastic ball, human fooseball sounds like nothing but hours of fun!"
"I'm not a fan of Keebler cookies, or for that matter, anything else made by dirty elves in an unsanitary hollowed-out tree factory."
"A cheetah might be fast and an elephant might be strong, but neither of them have any pockets. We can all thank the modern clothing industry for that key advantage."
"If hand cream soothes hands and face creams soothe faces, why isn't whipped cream doing anything for all of the bleeding lacerations on my back?"
"What is the problem with people who ask sarcastic rhetorical questions?"
"Why do Tic Tacs have to announce that extra half calorie? Do you know anyone that has become hideously obese from eating breath mints?"
"The thing that sucks most about not having lips is the fact that you can't."