1900 hours...
Takila "Mak" Shuriik arrived at Tyrrel's quarters and rang the chime. He wasn't sure he should have come, even with her invitation, but she did at least deserve some explanation for his recent behavior.
The door slid open and she smiled on seeing him, though she didn't rush to touch him, she didn't want to seem too eager and drive him any further away than she feared he already was. "Hello," she said. "Glad you made it."
She stepped back, letting him enter the room, which he could now see had been somewhat rearranged since he'd last been in here. The table and other furnishings had been shifted to one side, and the center of the floor was now occupied by a reed mat flanked on opposite sides by two cushions, in the ancient Terran Oriental style. On the mat were two plates, chopsticks, a pot of honey, a pot of rice and two glasses of clear water.
"I got your note about not wanting anything fancy, and did some reading in the library computer," she said by way of explanation. "I thought this would fit."
They sat down and she took a deep breath, then forced herself to look into those deep blue eyes. "First, I want you to know I'm not upset about the other day, in your quarters. Catrin and I talked, after you left, and she explained what had happened, as far as she knew it. Which would never have happened if you hadn't had to come after me," she said slowly. "I know that."
"I also know it's very likely you'll outlive me and probably all of us," she went on. "But please--for your own sake--don't let that cut you off from everyone."
Damn it, he thought. This was going to be harder than he'd thought...but it had to be said and said now. She'd been right about that, but there were so many other things.
"Kamiana," he began. "this can't go on. It's not right--for either of us."
She stared at him, it was what she'd been afraid she'd hear yet still actually hearing it was a blow. Her mouth opened, closed again but no sound came out, though her lips formed the silent "Mak..."
"You're right. I'll likely outlive just about everyone on this ship." The just about was excepting Goth, but he didn't want to get into that with her. That could be dangerous.
"I've done a lot of things, Darlin'. Questionable things."
"I know that, too. I can handle that."
"There's a lot of people out there who wouldn't hesitate to come after me, and maybe use you to do it. I can't risk that happening--I'm talking about people who'd make the Imperials look like children playing in the schoolyard."
Oh, by all the Houses, she thought. This was what she'd been afraid of for months now, ever since Catrin Kadiya had joined the crew. She had hoped with all her heart that this day wouldn't come. Now, here it was. She pressed her hands to her mouth, struggling not to let the sobs come out. She couldn't do this. She couldn't.
"Mak...Shuriik...please." she whispered, finally forcing words out past the lump in her throat. She'd wanted him, needed him, to be with her again ever since returning from the ISS Defiant, to get past the nightmares of that other him, that other Paulos, the memories that still haunted her dreams. Then he'd begun to change, and Catrin had told her why. Another one hurt, driven away, because of her.
From even deeper in her memories the face of Michael Landry appeared for a moment and she fought against it, pushing it desperately back into that dark place deep within her.
"I won't see you hurt because of someone trying to get to me, Kamiana. That's not fair to you. There's also the Synsara. You saw what happened to Clark that last time it broke free. I can't chance that happening to you, too. Besides," he paused for a moment, then went on. "I know at least part of what drew me to you was...who you remind me of. Laurana. I can't live with illusions. That isn't fair to either of us, either."
She only stared at him for a long moment, as if he'd plunged a dagger through her. After a long while she managed to speak. "Illusions?" she reached out grabbed his hand and pressed it against her cheek, so that he could feel the skin, the tears trailing. "This isn't an illusion." she whispered. "I'm real, as real as you are. Please don't do this."
He pulled his hand away, resisting the temptation to pull her into his arms, though God he wanted to. He only shook his head and stood up. "This is just the way it's got to be, and one day you'll understand that."
With that he turned and left the room.
Kamiana remained frozen where she was until the door closed behind him, then, as suddenly as if a switch had been thrown the tears she'd been trying so hard to hold back burst forth. She'd lost him, and it was all her fault. He wouldn't have had that damn Synsara if it hadn't been for her.
* * *
2200 hours...
In her quarters, Kamiana came awake, realizing she'd cried herself to sleep right there on the floor. Then she remembered why.
There was only that aching yawning emptiness where Mak had been...she could still feel him, somehow, but he had drawn so far away and it was tearing her apart, all the worse for knowing why.
Why had she been so short sighted, to let herself get involved with Mak? Hadn't that time at Academy taught her anything? To get close to someone was to end up hurting them. Even though she never meant to that's what seemed to happen.
She found her gaze drawn to the bedside table, to the holocube that sat there. The one of Michael, first, then, slowly, she turned from that to the other table, where the cube of her parents sat. She'd been trying to find out something ever since the word had come about the nanites reaching Betazed, but so far there was no information available. So many had reached the evacuation ships (a tiny fraction, compared to the numbers that had been before the invasion, but enough still that it took time to get them all identified and catalogued..) that she found herself still hoping.
That was when she noticed the message light on her commpanel. How long had it been on? she couldn't remember if it had been lit when Mak had been in here or not. She reached over and tapped it.
There was no video image, just a voice playback. "Message for Kamiana Tyrrel, from Evacuation Center 22. There are no survivors from Betazed with the names requested. Crosscheck of pre invasion records shows that Kadren and Shakara Tyrrel's last known location was the Betazed Science Academy complex. They are therefore officially listed as deceased."
Kamiana had to sit down because her legs had suddenly evaporated, or so it seemed. "No. Oh, no." she whispered. They hadn't talked much, since the whole thing with Michael and not for lack of trying on her part. A part of her had known this, suspected this, already, but there had until now been hope and now that hope was gone.
But for this to be coming now was almost too much. First Mak and now this and there wasn't anyone left now that she could talk to. The aching aloneness, that was all there was for her and that only hurt all the more.
First her parents, then Michael, and then Mak and now everyone was gone and it was all her fault it always was.
The tears welled up again and she threw herself onto the bed. But that, too, was so empty. She tossed and turned the rest of the night, only sleeping fitfully and even that was haunted by memories she thought she had buried long ago.
* * *
1200 hours, the next day...
She'd finally forced herself to get out of bed around 0900, but hadn't felt like eating breakfast, knowing only she had to do something, keep busy, or else--no. she wouldn't think about it.
She had spent the morning almost frantically doing anything she could think of that needed doing, even some routine stuff that could have waited, just to be moving, to not have to think.
However, as the chronometer clicked closer to lunchtime, her empty stomach's demands became too loud to ignore. She hadn't had dinner last night and then no breakfast this morning either and it was just too much. Going back to her quarters, though, was out. She shook her head, she couldn't face that, not right now.
Kamiana walked into 8 forward and looked around. There--in that corner--*why* did her eyes keep going back to that table every time she came in here? that had been where she'd had that first dinner with Mak. No. she wouldn't think about that now, she just couldn't, it hurt too much. The way he'd *changed* after rescuing her from the ISS Defiant, and she knew it had been because he'd had to kill his other self. A Mak who had been consumed by his darkness, where this one had overcome it, but now it seemed as if that was pushing him away from everyone.
She cut that off, before she started crying right here. What made it worse now was there wasn't anyone she could really talk to. She'd barely known Counselor Jannik Andersdottir, and now Jannik was gone, replaced by--by--*him*.
Paulos Krn Danorium. There. She'd said the name. Though even thinking of him made her want to run away and hide, or pull so deep into herself he would never reach her again.
Damn it! *why* couldn't she stop thinking like that!! The Paulos here wasn't at all like the one who'd ripped her mind, violated the very essence of her inner being, on that other Defiant--yet she couldn't stop being afraid whenever she saw this one.
She'd reached a seat at the bar, barely noticing she had done so, she was so lost in thought, until another person took the seat beside her. Someone she had not seen before, did not know. She wondered if he was a new crewmember.
Emil sat down, with a sigh, next to the only other Betazoid in Eight Forward. Sometimes being near the soothing presence of another empath was enough to make him feel better. This woman seemed to be losing that aspect of the Betazoid aura, however.
He glanced at the door to the lounge again, hoping that Paulos might be able to join him after all, but no one came through. He frowned a little and ordered a glass of juice, only now noticing the way the Betazoid woman was looking at him from the corner of her eye. She seemed curious, and he knew that they had never met, but she also seemed a little tense and reluctant to say anything.
Emil stared at the reflective surface of the bar for a moment, concentrating on her surface emotions; something Betazoids usually didn't think twice about doing. He sensed a mixture of fear and hurt emotions, but no source for them; that made his mind up for him.
He turned to face her, smiling in what was supposed to be a soothing manner. "Hello. I don't mean to disturb you, but I always like to meet other Betazoids when I'm off planet. I didn't know there were so many of us on the Defiant. I'm Emil Magnusa." He reached out and they clasped hands briefly.
She nodded, shielding weakening a little, "Lt. Kamiana Tyrrel." She paused for a moment, "I don't really mind being disturbed, maybe that's what I need right now, to be distracted." She looked away again, "Are you new on the Defiant? What division are you in?"
Emil smiled again, "I'm mostly new to the ship, though I'm not in Starfleet. I'm a civilian researcher for the linguistics department of the Vulcan Science Academy; sounds more important than it is I suppose. The real reason I'm here is to be with my Imzadi. He is in Starfleet."
She looked at him curiously, maybe a little suspiciously. "Oh? Would I know him?"
"I think so. He's the Ship's Counselor, Paulos Danorium." He stopped suddenly, feeling her fear reaction. There wasn't anything to say; how could anyone be afraid of Paulos? He wouldn't ever hurt anyone. Emil reached out to touch her shoulder and she pulled away. "What is it? I don't understand, what's wrong?"
She shook her head. (*stop* it, Kamiana!) she told herself firmly. "I'm sorry. It's just--there's a lot I--" she swallowed. "there's a lot that's gone on, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it."
"You could talk to Paulos--" he started to say.
"No!" the word almost exploded from her mouth before she could stop it.
Emil jumped back, the intensity of her fear hitting him almost like a physical blow. What was wrong with her? And why couldn't he shake the feeling Paulos was somehow tied to it, when he couldn't hurt anyone if his *life* had depended on it?
The look of shock and pain on Emil's face jolted her back to herself. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a moment. "I'm sorry. He's the last person I can talk to. You don't want to know why."
She reached over and forced herself to take his hand, trying to calm him.
He swooned a little at the inadvertent touch of her mind and jerked his hand away. Emil had to grab the edge of the bar to keep from stumbling and when he could look up at her again he started shaking. "No...Paulos would never..." A shudder passed through him as the image of Paulos with that sick, twisted smile came back to him. "He couldn't..."
Kamiana reached out to him again, understanding what he had picked up from her mind. "I'm sorry. That wasn't supposed to happen, I didn't mean for you to see that." Her eyes reflected the real pain she felt at showing him the evil alternate form of his lover. She knew what that felt like all too well, from seeing Mak, the Mak of the mirror universe. She shook it off, seeing that he was still shocked, "That wasn't your Paulos. But I still can't talk to the Counselor."
Emil let her take his hand this time. "You need to talk to someone...if that is what you have to heal. IT won't go away unless you have someone to help you through it. I would offer, but I'm a linguist not a psychologist. There has to be someone that can help you."
Kamiana stared at him for a long moment, then shook her head, the look coming now into her eyes was of someone lost, desperate. "There isn't." she whispered quietly, "The one I called Imzadi is slipping away from me and it's because of what happened over there. It changed him when he had to kill his other self, to save me."
She forced herself to meet Emil's eyes. "I didn't know Paulos even existed until I saw the other one." she broke off, struggling to not let those memories leak out and hurt Emil more than she probably already had. "Then Shuriik brought me back," she finally managed to continue, "and I looked up and *that* was the first time I saw your Paulos. I know it's wrong, I know I hurt him badly but I couldn't stop screaming until I was sedated." suddenly the weight of all the pain, her fear of Paulos and the anguish of losing Shuriik, the guilt over both, all came crashing down at once and forgetting where she was or with whom she burst into tears, crying in a way she hadn't since Michael had vanished years ago. That had been her fault too, she remembered.
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