Emil sobered quickly, this wasn't about him, it wasn't even really about Paulos...this was about helping Kamiana. "It can't be impossible. There has to be someone besides Paulos--what about Kalina or Rael? How about Catrin, she should know more about what has happened to Shuriik than anyone else. Have you been able to talk to Shuriik about this?" He felt like a jerk for even asking, seeing how distressed it made her.
Kamiana sobbed helplessly, the pain she'd tried so hard to keep bottled up inside her all this time had broken loose and the tears just kept coming like a dam had given way. She couldn't speak, only shake her head in a silent 'no' even as the sobs poured forth.
He shook his head, not really knowing what else to suggest besides Paulos again. "Maybe if you spoke to Paulos with someone else there...someone safe. Maybe if Rael were there with you. I would volunteer, but I'm too close to Paulos to be of much help to you. I just can't believe that there is nothing to be done."
Emil looked at the woman and the anguish literally pouring from her finally decided things. She couldn't go on like this. He tapped his commbadge. "Paulos...could you come down to 8 forward?"
The Deltan's reply was quick, "Emil, I thought we had already talked about this earlier...I'm in the middle of an appointment. Can't we wait until tonight to have this discussion again?" His impatience was clear in his tone, and Emil would have known it even if he hadn't been able to feel it through their bond.
He took a deep breath and tried again. "This isn't about our lunch date. I need you to come here...Kamiana needs this. It's more important than your appointment and we need you here now!" He waited for just a small instant, "Paulos, I wouldn't interrupt a counseling session unless it were an emergency, and you know that."
"Okay, I'll be there in a few moments." Paulos quickly closed the channel. Emil looked at Kamiana again, and not knowing what else to do, offered comfort as any Betazoid might. He hugged her loosely and they waited for Paulos to arrive.
Kamiana was too distraught to really register this. She only dimly sensed Emil holding her, barely felt his mental presence, knowing only that all the agony of the last weeks was surging forth and she couldn't hold it back any longer. Images tumbled through her mind, she couldn't even try to stop the torrent of pain they brought with them..."Please, oh please, I'm sorry I can't. I just can't." she gasped between sobs.
After a few minutes Paulos entered the room and came straight over to them.
All she could do was look up at that face. There was still the reflex to shrink from it but she didn't have the strength. So like that other, the one who had hurt her,and yet not. Where the other had reveled in the pain he'd caused, this one showed only caring and concern.
That only made her feel worse. She knew this was hurting him, he was only trying to help her. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "this is all my fault all of this." her voice broke into fresh sobbing.
"No, not your fault at all, never your fault Kamiana." Paulos felt tears come to his eyes and he reached out to her, meaning only to touch her for a moment; to sense something without having to completely open his mind to her pain. Both Betazoids flinched away from him, and for a moment a pain in his heart blackened his vision. He looked carefully at Emil, and taking his lover's face in his hands he reached out through their bond.
"Emil, stop this, you are losing yourself." He broke the embrace, forcing Emil to sit at one of the lounge's tables. "Shield yourself." Paulos had to trust that Emil would be able to block out the images; images that were so strong that Paulos was having trouble forcing them from his own mind. They bent around his shielding creeping in along the edges.
"Kamiana...let me help you. I would never hurt you."
She struggled to meet his eyes, though the tears streaming from her own made it hard to see. "Please. I can't." She should be able to control better than this, she knew that, but she couldn't find the way anymore. There was only the pain, not only of what she'd endured at the hands of the Imperials, but what had happened since her return. Watching, feeling, Shuriik draw away from her and the white hot pain of knowing why. "Please." her hands reached out in the silent plea of the words she couldn't get out. She knew she should get away from them before she hurt them, too, yet how could she stand being alone?
Paulos reached out again, taking her gently into his arms and leading her away from the bar. He sent back a simple thought to Emil, /Please, go home and sleep Emil, cancel the afternoon classes. You need to sleep and recover. I'll take care of this./
He walked out of the lounge with the Betazoid woman. Kamiana went with him, too emotionally drained to fight any longer. He tried to steady her, to reach her center to help her find that control she sought, but it was is if her mind was a hurricane of images and emotion that he could not see through. he couldn't force this connection; it had to be of her own will.
After a while they reached his office, though she didn't really notice the walk through the corridors or the looks of concerned crewmembers, too caught in the whirlwind of pain to be more than faintly aware of their presence.
He eased her onto the sofa and she sat there for she didn't know how long, she'd lost all sense of time while she struggled to find control again...but eventually the storm did pass, she reached up and blinked back the last few lingering tears..."Th-thank you," she whispered, her voice still ragged from weeping.
Paulos handed her a glass of water and a tissue. "You don't need to thank me for anything. I'm here to help you, I want to help you. Can you talk about this? With me?"
"I never *mean* to hurt anyone--but somehow it keeps happening. Is Emil going to be all right?" she began slowly. It was bad enough she'd been in such anguish for so long, but to think that her pain had brought pain to another was worse. "Are you?" She blinked as the words left her mouth, then looked at him in surprise.
"I never thought I'd be asking you that." she shook her head. "I know you're not the one who hurt me, I've been telling myself that for weeks now but I just couldn't make myself face you. Then there was Mak--Shuriik--I'm still used to calling him Mak." she blurted apologetically, too drained of energy to cry more but that pain was still there. "Catrin told me why he changed. It happened because of me, because he had to do what he did to get me back."
"Emil will be fine, and so will I." He sat across from her and studied her carefully, reading the surface thoughts without intrusion. "What happened to Mak was not your fault. He did what he chose to do, and from what I have seen he chose that not out of duty, but out of love. What consequences there have been cannot be blamed on you Kamiana. You didn't know what would happen any more than Mak did."
Paulos took her hand, squeezing gently, "Whatever distance that Mak has put between himself and you is also his choice. There are reasons for him to see me as well, but he seems to think that going to the Counselor is weakness. I know that he has said things, done things, that he would not normally say or do." He smiled softly, "I don't think he would have said most of what he did during the short conversation I had with him. I don't think that he would be separated from you right now, and I don't think that this change is your fault in anyway."
She shook her head. "I wish I could believe that, but you don't know me, you don't know anything about me." Her eyes stared bleakly at his, red rimmed. "I've lost everyone else I've ever cared about--I know, so has just about anyone on this ship. I'm talking about before that." she took a deep breath. "I'll try to tell you." she swallowed. "The last time, I almost lost myself and if I lose Mak now--I can't go through that again, I just can't." she buried her face in her hands though there were no tears left.
"You're right, I don't know you. But what I have seen in your file and what I have heard from others says much of your goodness. People like you, they feel a loyalty to you, and regardless of what has happened in these few cases you want to blame yourself for--you are a good person." His expression went blank for a moment. "You aren't the only one to be hurt, and you are not the only one who has blamed themselves for that pain. Could you tell me why you blame yourself? What happened the first time, the time that you almost lost yourself? If it would make you more comfortable I could also share such things about myself... if you would feel more comfortable."
"I'll try," she said, slowly, though the sobs were long since spent it was still hard to talk, her throat still felt raspy. "I'm just not sure where to start." She took a deep breath, then plunged into it. "The first thing you have to know, to make everything else make sense--is who my parents are." Her voice caught on that. "I mean, were." she swallowed, the ache of that added to so many other things made this almost unbearable, but get through this she would, though she didn't know how. "My father was Kadren Tyrrel, and my mother was Shakara."
Paulos nodded thoughtfully, "I have heard of your parents. They were scientists, were they not? I believe that Emil introduced me to them several years ago at a university function." He paused and looked into her eyes. "Tell me about your relationship with your parents?"
Kamiana nodded but before she could begin again, Paulos interrupted.
He paled suddenly and bit his lips, "Wait...were your parents on Betazed when the nanites... Have you heard from them recently?"
She nodded sadly. "I got notification yesterday. That's another thing. We'd drifted apart, after everything happened the other time." she sighed. "Let me get through this, then you'll understand better. It wasn't easy growing up with them. And yes, they were. My mother's field was physics, my father's computers." she laughed bitterly. "I'm pretty good with computers myself, I suppose that's where I got it from." She sighed again. "As far back as I can remember, they wanted me to do what they'd done. I had to always be the first in all the classes. They wanted me to go to the university and maybe teach there someday too." She shook her head. "I wasn't sure what *I* wanted though, but I didn't want to disappoint them." she took another deep breath. "That's where the trouble really started, when I decided to go to Starfleet Academy instead of remaining on Betazed."
He smiled a little and sent a bit of encouragement. "That took courage. It takes a lot to be able to break away from one's parents. Go on."
"It wasn't long after I entered that I met someone." she swallowed again. "One of the first year courses was Introduction to Political Science. It's just meant to give the basics, regardless of what your specialization is, but this one was different, at least for me. The instructor was a Terran. His name was Michael. Michael Landry." She bit her lip after forcing the name out, there was a flicker of old pain in her eyes as she did so.
"He was someone special, wasn't he? You cared for him." Paulos leaned forward, and watched her body language for more clues. Her emotional tightness wasn't telling him much.
"I was drawn to him, almost from the day I first began his class. He was different, somehow. I know that besides being a teacher he had also been an Ambassador. I was drawn to him, but it wasn't the Imzadi bond, it was his ideals, the things he believed in with such intensity, that spoke to something in me. I realized *that* was what I really wanted to do, enter the Diplomatic Corps."
He had to smile again at that, "Finding your calling is something that all people want to have happen. But if that is what you felt so right about...you are in the Sciences now. What happened?"
"I'd been at the Academy about six months or so, by then, and when I decided to switch from Sciences to Diplomacy as my major, of course I sent a letter telling my parents about it. The next thing I know they're both on the fastest transport to Earth. It wasn't pretty when they arrived."
"They objected then." He sighed. "I know what that is like Kamiana, there are plenty of people who think that something is fine until it is their own child who is interested in it. It has been like that for some very well known people; including Spock of Vulcan. It even happened to me. What did your parents do? What made you decide to go into the Sciences, and what happened to Michael?"
Kamiana's eyes filled with the old pain as she made herself continue. "As I said, it wasn't pretty. They went on and on about how I was not only letting them down, but not living up to my own talents, and so forth. I know they were only doing what they thought was best for me but," she took a deep breath, "in the end I gave in, to keep peace in the family." These last words came out slowly, it was not something she admitted to easily. "I was weak, and let them get to me. They were my parents, and I didn't want to fight *them*."
She pressed her hands to her mouth, struggling with the anguish of reliving that time, then raised her head and looked Paulos directly in the eyes. "As for Michael," the look in her eyes was bleak desolation too long held within her, an agony she'd kept locked away in the deepest part of her being until now..."I killed him." Her voice broke as she forced those words out.
He blinked hard, forcing his gaze away from hers, thinking of a Bajoran he had known long ago. If he hadn't gotten that illness--if Aran hadn't been missing the natural immunity-- He looked up again, trying not to frown, and barely succeeding. "I know you believe that...but I don't think that it could be. Kamiana...why do you say that you killed him?"
Kamiana took a tissue from the pile next to her and dabbed at her eyes again. "Because I did," she whispered bleakly. "When I went back to tell Michael what had happened, what I'd decided, he didn't take it very well. He was so hurt, so disappointed, that I'd let them decide my future over what I'd wanted." she took a deep breath. "He went straight to the Academy Commandant and resigned. Immediately. He went back to the, the Diplomatic Corps." she closed her eyes for a few moments, struggling with herself. None of this was easy for her to remember but now she was coming to the worst part. "Not long after, I heard he was assigned to a mission in the Gamma Quadrant, they hoped that some of the other races would ally with the Federation." she sighed. "They think the Dominion caught him. but no one knows for sure. He went into the GQ and disappeared, presumed dead." She forced herself once again to meet Paulos' eyes. "I did it, don't you see? I drove him to take that mission. I murdered him, just as much as if I'd held a phaser to his head and pulled the trigger. All because I was weak and couldn't stand up to them anymore." she finished bitterly.
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