Paulos frowned a little and rubbed his temples. "How can you know that? What if it was just the right time for him to leave the Academy. Maybe he felt the need for some more practical application...maybe the Federation needed him."
He sighed, "Were you the only student to ever leave the field of diplomacy for another? Many people go to school, Starfleet Academy or University on their home planets, many change their minds about their course of study. You can't be held responsible for anyone's response to that except your own. It was your choice to make; your parents should not have done as they did. They should have let you make your own decisions, but by that same token...you have to allow that Michael made his own decisions and the consequences are his alone to bear."
Kamiana just looked at him, sadly. "What upset Michael so much was that I was letting them decide for me. All he wanted was for me to choose my own path, to be all I could be. That's what he wanted to bring out most, in the ones he taught. And in that I failed him--and myself." She closed her eyes for a moment, remembering--but then over the memories from six years ago, just for an instant, came another image.
A face she'd seen only once before. A voice, cold as ice.
"You are a weak being. And a fool."
Damn it! Whoever that strange man last night had been, however he had known, he was right. She was weak...she sighed and shook her head, pushing that memory aside before he could pick up on it.
"It was only a few weeks later that it really all fell apart, when word came that his mission had been lost, that he was dead." she continued. "I don't even remember anything of the first few days after. They told me my roommate had found me staring at the viewer, but I didn't seem to see or hear her. I don't remember that or anything until I woke up in the Academy Hospital, and that was a week or so afterward. Then it was weeks of being lectured to by a Vulcan counsellor, who could only talk about how illogical I was being." She sighed. "Maybe I was, but all I could think of was he was dead, all his dreams gone and that I'd driven him to it." she paused, the grief she still felt even now over what had led to Michael's death showing in her eyes.
"My parents weren't much help, either. They couldn't understand why losing him hurt so much, it wasn't as if we'd been--imzadi, or anything like that, was what my mother kept saying. "That, and if only I'd taken their advice and gone to the Betazoid Science Academy I'd have been so much better off." She sighed again, then went on. "Eventually, though, I managed to pull myself together, enough to face going back to Starfleet Academy. I wasn't giving *that* up. Anyhow, I thought I had finally put it all behind me, when I was assigned here. Then I met Mak."
"I fear that I am more like your Vulcan Counselor than I like. I don't know what to tell you about how you feel...telling you that all this has not been your fault hasn't worked." Paulos sighed and rubbed at his temples again. "If you were a Deltan I would ask to link with you, to experience some of this with you...or I would do touch therapy. I don't know either is appropriate for you."
"You are very strong Kamiana--you might not see it that way, but I think that others do. To have come throguh so much and stay sane...you are sane you know. There is nothing wrong with your feelings; whether they are guilt or depression, or even if you are angry...it's perfectly natural to feel in such ways in these circumstances. It is also natural to move past those feelings, to work through them and not to drown within them...that is what we should work on perhaps."
Paulos stood, taking a few steps to cross the room, and then back again. "Why don't you tell me about Mak? How did you first meet him and how did you feel in the begining of your relationship?"
She closed her eyes, letting her memories slip back to that time. "I'd only been on Defiant a few months, then. I'd heard the rumors, the whispers--but didn't actually meet him until that night in the corridor. He was just coming from somewhere or other with Marinus. I didn't know what it meant, then, but I felt drawn to him. Not the way it had been with Michael, I think it was because Mak was so different. That sense of enigma, mystery." she shook her head.
"I understand that...and he reacted to you as well?" Paulos smiled a little, facing the wall as he turned in his pacing.
"I think he felt something, too, because somehow or other that very night we ended up in 8 Forward, just for a drink. The next night, we had dinner in my quarters. That's when he told me at least some things about himself. Where he came from. Why he'd been on Earth, and for how long."
"He must have trusted you a great deal...most of the information about his history isn't in Starfleet records. Your relationship with him was special to both of you then?"
"We were so close. Even when he came back from that rescue mission, and those of us who'd had to stay onboard heard about the nanites, what they'd done to everything..." she took a deep breath. "I remember just sitting there with him, not a word was said and there didn't need to be. But then Catrin came along, I guess I didn't handle that very well."
"Her relationship with him was unclear and you were uncertain of who she was..what she meant to him. It is perfectly understandable Kamiana. I experience that myself with Emil... She was the "other woman", at least before everything as clear.... she had something that you didn't; his past. And you were uneasy with that?
"It's not that I had anything against her, I didn't even know her. But all this time Mak hadn't had any contact with his people, didn't even know where Novachron was. Then she comes along--representing all those things. The way he took off without telling anyone--not even the Captain--I couldn't shake the fear that something would happen the way it had to Michael and then he comes back with her..." she shook her head.
"And that has changed, hasn't it? You and Catrin seem to get along now, and your relationship with Mak went on like it had before?"
"Catrin and I talked some, I thought we'd come to understand each other a bit. That same night Mak and I had dinner and..." she swallowed, recalling this next part was going to be hard. "only a few hours later, I opened my door thinking he was coming back, and saw myself. That's when the lights went out--and when I woke up I was over there. The other Defiant."
"Where you encountered an alternate of me...and of Mak..." He needed slightly, thinking to himself for a few moments. "Did that alternate Mak change the way you viewed our Takila Mak?"
"I knew something was wrong, the minute I saw him. He looked, *felt*, so different. I'd seen our Mak cold, angry, before--but never like that. And you have to realize he wasn't the first person I met over there. Your alternate wasn't, either. I woke up in some sort of device with the Captain and Rael looking at me. He wasn't in a hoverchair, and she--" Kamiana shook her head. "It was so strong I couldn't block her from my mind. I never thought a human being could even imagine the things she was contemplating doing with me." she shuddered at those memories. "They had me in some sort of device that induced pain. "It probably wasn't on for more than a few moments but it felt like an eternity, I couldn't keep from screaming and they just laughed and did it again. I passed out, and when I woke up again, that's when Mak was there." She looked at Paulos. "He beat me. With a whip. Even if I hadn't been able to see, sense, the difference between them--that alone would have told me. Our Mak is a lot of things but he isn't twisted like that."
"That's why it is an alternate universe...the people are different. The circumstances of their lives have made them into what they are as has happened with our own lives in this universe." he paused for a moment, not sure of his next question. "When did you meet my alternate?"
"It was a little while later. I don't know how long I lay there, they wouldn't even send a medic in. The guards were betting with each other over how long it'd take me to pass out." She swallowed, she didn't want to hurt him by bringing this up but..."that's where you--I mean your alternate--came in."
"They sent him there to hurt you and he did." Paulos paced across the floor, not quite looking at the young Betazoid.
"I never knew any telepath could *command* the way he did. I fought him so hard but I couldn't shut him out." The tears started to run down her face again. " 'Each time I ask a question, and you refuse to answer, I will inflict pain. And it will get worse. But I will not kill you.' That's what he said to me, and then he was in my mind and I couldn't stop him I couldn't do anything!" she covered her face with her hands sobbing once again, remembering how that other Paulos had ripped her mind apart, violated the very essence of who she was.
He went to her side, he couldn't do anything else, and took her by the shoulders as gently as he could. "Kami...don't do this to yourself. He did those things to you and you should be angry. You are strong, but we are all victims. We survive...you will overcome this. I know it in my heart."
* * *
A few minutes later...
Renee had been watching Kamiana and Paulos and also the goings on in sickbay with Myah and T'pril, so she had seen what had taken place and knew that Kamiana needed to know her friend Myah was ok for the moment. Renee stepped into the private room and tried to get Paulos attention to let hm know that Myah was ok for now but would need some serious help soon.
Paulos looked up and nodded to her.
Kamiana brushed the few remaining tears away and sat up. "Please tell me how I can help. I've got to do something." She bit her lip, not wanting to upset Paulos, but the feelings of guilt were still very much there.
Renee looked at the torment written all over her new friends face and then she just rushed into the information she felt that Kamiana needed to know. "Myah is alive inside her mind but she is failing and needs both of you to help. Please come back if you are ok, and help her. My feelings are that she will go soon if someone does not reach her, I am not a telepath but I have feelings sometimes and Myah needs you to be strong Kamiana, she needs you there holding her hand so that she feels you when her body can find a way to respond to her mind."
Kamiana shook her head, trying to not start crying again. "Renee...why would she want to see me, she wouldn't even be in this mess if I hadn't..." she broke off, unable to continue for a moment, she looked at Paulos. "I know what you said but...but I did talk her into going in there..."
"Kamiana just because you talked her into going in there does not mean that it is your fault. She is a strong woman and she made that choice to go. It was her choice, so stop blaming yourself and help her now." Middy Renee said as she tried to hurry them back to help Myah and also keep an eye thru the door on the others in sickbay.
"She is right Kami, you blame yourself far too easily for anything that goes wrong. Myah would not blame you for what has happened, no one would." He frowned a little.
"Paulos, you are a telepath, with the new person, T'pril, as the focal could you not lend her strength, sort of she links to Myah and you link to her and that way you cradle his mind while she searches for Myah and gives her a string to follow back to this time and space. I feel her failing she is so lost." Renee stood there crying herself, hoping she could make Kamiana understand that her friend Myah needed her to be strong, and not blame herself.
"I can try...I am not sure how much I can help with that. I'm not exactly at my best right now." Paulos took a small step closer to kami to look at her closely again before turning to Renee.
"Please come into the other room as soon as you can, Myah needs you, Please hurry." Renee turned and went back into the sickbay and waited feeling as if she were falling into the vacuumn that this Myah was in and wanting someone anyone to give her a string to follow back to this reality.
A few minutes later Paulos and Kamiana came out, Kamiana nodded to Paulos and moved over to Renee, wanting to take her hand but unable to shake the fear that if Renee got any closer she might be hurt too...
Laine joined them. "Physically, there's no change, the critical thing is her mental state. T'pril has made contact and Myah's right on the edge. We need to get through to her and quickly, but..." she looked at T'pril, "I'm not sure you're up to going in to her again."
Kamiana bit her lip. She wanted to help, she wanted to, but she was so afraid--either Myah would push her away or she wouldn't be strong enough and she'd end up hurting Myah worse..."I ought to be the one--if you really think Myah would..." she looked at T'pril. "Did you get any sense that she knows what happened? anything about me?"
T'pril's brow furrowed slightly. "I am not sure...exactly. While she is not completely aware of what has happened, I felt no indication of blame. I think that she may be worried about you, however." She paused for a moment. "It is hard to pinpoint these things precisely." Turning towards Paulos and Rael, she added, "I feel perfectly adept to proceed with another mind meld."
Laine looked over T'pril closely. She still wasn't certain the Vulcan was up to this, but there was Myah to consider--and looking at Kamiana, she somehow knew the Betazoid needed this, too. She looked at Paulos for any input.
He only nodded, as if understanding her hesitation. He was a bit preoccupied she noted, but she accepted his judgement anyway.
Laine nodded. "All right, T'pril. Proceed--but please, be careful. I'll be monitoring you as I did before."
Kamiana glanced to Paulos then stepped forward and stood beside T'pril. She still wasn't sure about this, but she had to make this up to Myah somehow. "I'm ready." she swallowed, determined not to start crying again and make things worse.
T'pril glanced at Kamiana briefly as she placed her fingertips on Myah's temples. The other woman was clearly distraught---her eyes were wide and red, a bead of sweat dripping down her face. T'pril closed her eyes and blocked out the image, concentrating on Myah.
"Your mind to my mind," she whispered, and let herself fall into Myah's thoughts. Darkness engulfed her, and then a scramble of images...Kamiana crying, a mountain, a fall... She reached out farther. Myah? A scream rang out then, and T'pril realized that it was not only Myah's but hers. Somewhere, in another world, she felt Paulos's hand on her shoulder. Myah, you have to concentrate, she thought. I'm here---we're all here---and the ship needs you. We need you, she corrected herself.
Can you help me? The plea was faint, lost somewhere deep inside, and then T'pril felt a jolt.
T'pril spoke out loud, "I can feel her dying."
Kamiana's cry was short but anguished. Linked to T'pril, Myah heard it.
T'pril spoke again. "Kamiana.... be strong...."
Laine looked confused. "T'pril?"
Paulos closed his eyes and squeezed T'pril's shoulder comfortingly. "It's not her...it's Myah."
"Be strong," T'pril went on. "Lend me your strength. I..." And then, her eyes blinked open. She took in a breath. "The meld was broken."
"By what?" Paulos asked, lifting his hand.
"I'm not sure..." T'pril turned to Laine. "Why don't you check her again, Doctor. I think Myah may be coming back to us."
Laine found herself relaxing slightly at that, but only slightly--how long could Myah endure in darkness?? She glanced over at Kamiana. How long could she hold up, either? the Betazoid looked as if she were this close to snapping again at least or collapsing from exhaustion at worst.
"Kamiana..." Laine said gently. "With T'pril here I think I can hold Myah for a while...why don't you go get some rest, something to eat, then come back here and you can try to help her then?"
Kamiana shook her head, and was about to say something by way of refusing--she didn't want to leave, but then Laine caught the expression and shook her head. "Don't make me make it an order," she said gently but firmly. "We need you to help Myah and you can't do it if you're at the end of your rope."
Kamiana sighed. She wasn't sure she could help Myah at all but didn't have the energy to argue with Laine. "All right. I'll be back in a little while."
Then she left sickbay, walking slowly, reluctant to leave Myah like this. She knew what everyone from Paulos to Rael to Renee and even Myah herself had said, but still she could not shake the feelings of guilt that held her. All the talk did not change the basic fact: *she* had talked Myah into going into the holodeck...and everything that had happened had been a direct consequence of that.
Coupled with the anguish over Mak and her parents, which in turn had reopened the old wounds regarding Michael, it was too much. There was also that strange man from last night. She somehow knew if she stayed she wouldn't be able to resist seeing him again. Part of her already wanted to, even as another part rebelled against that. Who was he, that he could get to her this way?
No! she was not going to let herself think about that. She couldn't.
But the pain was too much to bear. They wouldn't let her leave, though. What could she do?
She'd been walking along without realizing it all the while she'd been thinking all this, and her steps carried her around a turn in the corridors, to come face to face with a woman hurrying towards her.
She paused as she recognized Tagana. Then it came to her. Tagana was part Klingon--she would understand about honor.
"Tagana--" Kami called to her, hoping her voice didn't sound as shaky, as ragged, as she felt...she wasn't sure how she'd get through this, but she knew she had to before anyone else was hurt because of her...
Tagana was a little put off at being halted in the mid-rush like this, but it was Kamiana, so she cooled her temper, not wanting to insult...but what had happend to Kami? She looked like she had just woken up from a week-long drunk, and her bloodshot eyes held a haunted, pleading look. She waited - unsure of what to say, and afraid the wrong words would send the woman over the edge.
Haltingly, Kami's story spilled out of her, ending with a plea for understanding and escape. Tagana took it all in remembering her own experiences and how she herself had all but gone feral when Myah's katra had been in her own head; when she herself did not understand the changes in her mind, as she assumed had happened again. It had been all Tagana could take physically and emotionally - and she was stronger than this woman before her. No wonder she looked so drained. Kami had spoken of dishonoring herself, but Tagana saw none in her story. There could be no Oy'naQ to keep the katra at bay for Kamiana. Her small body could not take the painsticks. A plan formed in her mind.
"Kamiana, there was nothing you could have done." she took a firm grip on the slender arm and pulled her gently along towards sick bay; she had to keep talking so Kami wouldn't pay attention to where they were headed, "but there IS something we can do. I escaped to my ships because I did not understand what had happened and I had to be in control of it. Even so, I came close to bringing all my weapons to bear on this ship. THAT would have been a dishonor. Myah would not blame you for her injuries. As she did not blame me for the painsticks that were used to keep her katra hidden while with my crew, she also would not blame you for an injury sustained while helping you. Wouldn't you have come if she needed help?"
Kamiana nodded and sniffed. She had heard this in another form not long ago, but she had the half-breed's attention at least, and a promise of help. "It also happened on the holodeck, didn't it?"
"Yes, and it ..." she had not revealed this last shame to anyone, "It frightened me. Me! A Klingon! I have been so close to death I could taste it on my tongue and there was no fear, but let one little voice get in my head and I ran like a child!"
Tagana pulled Kami back into sick bay. Finally Kamiana understood that Tagana thought she had Myah's katra. "No, it's not like that... I don't even have the katra to give me any value!" Tagana stopped short and stared at Kami in disbelief. Still towing her along, the ensign made a sweep of the area and found her CO lying on a guerney, surounded by the medical staff and T'pril. She, too, looked bad but...
"I've seen her worse." She confided in Kami, putting her in a chair close by. "don't worry, she will be fine." Rael looked up at her sharply "My superior officer would have it no other way! I have a suggestion, Doctor."
"She's my superior officer, too." Kamiana whispered, staring down at her hands as if half expecting to see bloodstains on them.
Laine didn't hear the comment as she was focused on Tagana. "I'm not sure how you can help. What we need--her voluntary nervous system is almost completely burnt out. There was an experimental treatment being developed on Vulcan, but that was before the nanites attacked. I still haven't been able to find out if the doctors who developed it survived." She sighed. "We can keep her alive, that's not a problem. But keeping her sane till we can find either that method or some other to help her recover--" she shook her head. "There's only so many telepaths on this ship."
"Doctor! Do you not recall what happened before? I can take her katra again, and I can control it, now that I know what is happening!"
"You almost *died* before, too, Tagana! That big lummox of a first officer of yours was already starting the death-rites! Do you think I want TWO patients?"
Kamiana started sobbing at the thought of two dead because of her.
"One patient at a time, Doctor. I was well enough until the transfer, and Myah was well almost at once. As for death, if I die I go to the Black Fleet and my ancestors with my honor intact. I am not afraid of such a death. I *can* do it and Myah can talk to Kami through me and ease her guilt. I would not even need a single ship this time. Her mind can function well enough to recover without the pain to distract it." Tagana grinned. "Besides, what other options are open to you? We have already established a link between our minds, Wolfrom is a senior science officer and her presence is required here, and I am... dispensable" She said it matter-of-fact, leaving no illusion of self pity. "THIS woman," she said pointing at Kamiana on a final note, "needs her senior officer's forgiveness before she can funtion; she needs to talk to her!"
"And that," she looked to Kamiana, "is my own decision to take the risk. You are no more to blame for my actions than you are for hers. Don't waste your tears on me. I am a warrior. She is an officer who was in full contol of her own mind when the accident occured." Tagana found no other words of encouragement for her ship-mate. Tears were so alien to her own nature that she was unsure how to cope with them.
Laine looked at Tagana for a long moment, then nodded. Then she looked at Kamiana. "Before you do anything, Kamiana, you are *going* to get some rest, at least get something to eat. Which I seem to remember telling you a while ago. Do I have to put you in restraints and force feed you right here?" she said firmly. "I won't have two patients on my hands if I can help it!"
Kamiana shook her head. "That--that won't be necessary, Doctor." she said in a low voice. "I--I'll go get something..." She really didn't feel much like eating...well, she corrected herself, her stomach was rumbling a bit, now that she let herself think about that. Though it wasn't easy with everything else right now...
"I'll go with her, make sure she does." Renee volunteered.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
But wait, there's
Back to Melissa's Stories Page
This way to get back home