A few minutes later, the two women were in 8 forward, each with full glasses in front of them. Renee hoped she could actually get Kamiana to eat something solid, but at least the papalla juice she *had* gotten would do for starters...it was a fruit juice after all.
"Want to talk?" Renee asked her, hoping that would help Kamiana relax.
Kamiana sipped her papalla juice and looked at Renee across the table, shaking her head. "I guess you deserve some sort of explanation for all of this, you haven't been on board for very long." She sighed. "If it was just poor Myah--that'd be bad enough, but it seems like everything's crashing down all at once."
"Hey I might be new on ship but I didn't just fall off the turnip truck except where men are concerned and that is the only time I am naive the rest of the time I catch on pretty quick. They tell me I am a normal human but sometimes my empathic skills astound everyone. Right now Kamiana you need a friend and I need someone that has been on the ship for awhile. So spill the beans." Middy Renee sipped her long island tea and relaxed and waited for a long conversation and a nice evening with her new friend.
"I'm not really sure where to start though." She sighed. "I don't know if you've met Mak--Shuriik, rather--yet. No, that was not the man in 8 forward the other night. I'm still not sure who or what *he* is. I'm talking about the Chief Intell officer, Cmdr Takila Shuriik. He was known as Takila Mak until just recently."
"Yes, that tall silent moody one that looks at you like you are swiss cheese to be eaten. Yes, he is almost as scary as the one last night that gave me a nightmare or sort of. It's like he haunts me in my dream and then it's as if he is in the corner of my vision when I am not looking. I wander, yes I have met the Intell officer Takila Shuriik when I inbriefed."
"That other man haunts my dreams too, I don't even know why." Kamiana replied. "But we were talking about Mak--Shuriik--sorry, I'm still used to calling him Mak. I met him not long after I'd come aboard, I was still a middy then in fact. And there was such an aura of mystery about him, still is. Anyway, we..." she closed her eyes for a moment, remembering. "I loved him, Renee," she said bleakly after another moment. "And even now, I still do. That's part of what's making this so hard."
She took a deep breath, then continued. "It got a bit rocky when he went off without telling anybody, even me, and came back with Catrin. After all this time he hadn't had any contact with his people, didn't even know if they still existed. Suddenly there she was. someone who represented all that. I know I didn't handle that very well, not at first." she sighed. "But Catrin and I talked--and then he and I had dinner that night. I thought we'd sorted it all out." she sighed again and met Renee's eyes. "It was only a few hours later that I was kidnapped." she managed. This was going to be a hard part, remembering that time still brought nightmares.
"Yes, I heard some things about that around starfleet and on the way here. That must have been terrible and then your guy with a woman of his own kind that must have been really hard. Tell me more."
Kamiana took a deep breath and nodded. "As I said, Catrin and I talked, I thought we had things cleared up, so to speak. Then later that night Mak and I had dinner in the holodeck, a picnic on a tropical island." she shook her head. "Everything seemed so wonderful--I guess I should have known it couldn't last. He was called to the Bridge for something, I went back to my quarters. That kind of interruption you accept when you're in Starfleet, but then--" she took another deep breath, "then there was a chime at my door. I didn't *think* before I ran to open it, thinking it was Mak, and found myself looking at myself. Then the lights went out, and when I woke up I wasn't on the Defiant anymore. Not this Defiant, anyway."
"That must have been frightening and I presume she took your place here on Defiant and did she mess things up with you and Mak?"
"Well, not exactly, to the latter. Though yes, she did take my place, that's what they'd sent her to do. As I understand it she got a lot of information out of the computers and got more from, well, spending the night with someone else. It's likely she mindprobed that person without their realizing it. The Empire doesn't have ethics about such things the way we do. For them it's whatever works to get what they want."
Kamiana took another long sip of her juice, which emptied the glass. She looked down into the empty glass for a long moment, sighed, then got a refill from the replicator. Then she took another deep breath and continued.
"She set things up to force the ship to go where they wanted it, so it would be able to cross into their universe. In the meantime I was over there being interrogated." She shuddered slightly at that memory. "I don't know which was worse, the torture, or seeing people I thought I knew so different, so twisted. First was their Captain Bridges and Laine. I didn't think anyone could *imagine* some of the things she was contemplating doing with me. But they weren't the worst, that was two others. One, here on our Defiant, Mak's the Chief Intell Officer. Over there, he was one of two in charge of interrogations. He looked like 'our' Mak and yet he wasn't. I could feel how he wanted me but it was nothing like how it had been with the Mak here. The other *wanted* to hurt me, actually enjoyed it." Her hand almost unconsciously went to her back, rubbed it even though there was nothing there now. "He had a whip, other things." she shook her head.
"I guess I must have passed out from the pain. When I woke up...he was gone, but there was someone else there." She met Renee's eyes. "A blond man I'd never seen before that moment. Not in either universe. I don't think I'll ever forget the way he smiled." she shivered. "He was the other interrogator there. Where their Mak had only hurt me physically, this one was worse. He forced himself into my mind, I remember fighting and yet there wasn't any way to stop him I'd never felt anyone so strong..." she shivered again. "I didn't know until after I got back that we had a new Counsellor, Paulos. That's why I couldn't talk to him about this for so long. I knew it wasn't the same man but I'd see that face and want to scream..." she paused for a moment, then continued. "But *that's* what messed things up as far as Mak and I went. He'd figured out what was going on and come over to get me back. In doing that he fought and killed his other self and that's what started it."
Renee looked horrified at that. "it must have been terrible for him to have to kill himself. Besides you are the prettiest lady in here tonight and lots will look. It is his loss, besides why did he leave you after rescuing you?"
"It didn't happen right away. After I got back, I wanted to just pick up where we'd left off. I was trying to just forget all this--but he was slipping away, I could feel it. Not the way you might think, though--Catrin was as surprised as I was, he was acting strange to her too. Then he snapped at me, something he'd *never* done before. I'd come in and he was holding the sword--the orb. Things the other Mak had had. Just seeing them reminded me. He yelled at me for getting upset about it. Then he went to the holodeck with Middy Clark--and apparently something pushed Mak over the edge, he beat Clark within an inch of his life. Right after that Mak left Defiant, and I *knew* something had to be terribly wrong." She sighed.
"I asked Catrin. It seems that when one of their race kills another away from their world, they take into themselves the essence, the soul if you will, of the one they killed. The Synsara, they call it--somehow Mak had forgotten about this. And when he killed his other, to save me--" she sighed again. "That's one of the reasons he broke things off. He's afraid it'll break loose again and maybe hurt me. I can understand that, but it doesn't make it hurt any less." She took another sip of her juice. "I guess I cried myself to sleep after he left my quarters that night. When I woke up--there was a message." She closed her eyes for a moment, her hand tightened on the glass, then she opened her eyes again and met Renee's, the eyes brimming with unshed tears. She would *not* start crying again, she would *not*. "Ever since the nanites--I've been trying to find out about my parents, they were on Betazed when the nanites reached there. When I woke up, there was a message from the evacuation center confirming they were dead."
"I don't know how I got through the rest of that night or the next day, I don't really remember much. Except I just had to do *something* or go mad..and not wanting to be alone, I talked Myah into going to the holodeck. You know what happened then."
She broke off, unable to speak for a few moments past the effort of not letting herself start crying. She'd done that too many times lately and would not again.
Middy Renee sat there in contemplation as to how much Kami blamed herself for so much in her life that could not be helped or changed. Life was that way. Bad things happen to good people.
"Kami, you cannot blame yourself for what happened that is taking too much responsiblity for things beyond our control and that is way too much for mere mortals to have to bear or try to control." Renee smiled and patted Kami's hand.
She couldn't entirely repress an ironic, bitter, chuckle at that. "That's just what Paulos said. It doesn't change that Myah wouldn't be lying there right now if I hadn't talked her into going to the holodeck. And now I have to go back into that sickbay and try to reach her. Me, the last person on the whole ship she'll want to have anything at all to do with after today." she looked at Renee, though there were no more tears the pain still showed in her eyes. She shook her head and turned away, again the fear that she'd only end up hurting Renee, too, like she had all the others, came back. She stared out the viewport at the starfield, the anguish of all this still tearing her apart inside. After a few moments she murmured something almost under her breath, something that came to Renee's ears only as one clear word, though whispered, as if she had momentarily forgotten Renee was even there.
The word was "Michael."
"Kami who is Michael? How is this name associated with what has happened to Myah?
She jumped slightly as Renee's words broke through to her, then turned back to face her. "I didn't realize I'd said that aloud," she whispered. "And Michael is someone else I hurt. a long time ago. Until now I'd never told anyone on this ship about him except Paulos and that was only a little while ago. But maybe you should know that, too. Then you can decide if you still want to be around me." she said bitterly, then taking a deep breath she began explaining just what had happened during her first year at Academy, the whole thing with Michael and her parents, just as she had told it to Paulos earlier.
"Kami you cannot blame yourself for every bad thing that happens to people you come in contact with. "Bad Things Happen to Good People" so perk up and believe me I have a few horror stories in my past also but I will not take the blame for what I cannot control, even though it seems that way at the time, as if it were my fault. I just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time alot. So put on a happy face and not worry about the past and lets worry about here and now. Lets get Myah better."
"Kami, I will go with you back into that sickbay and together we will bring Myah out of this darkness that she is surrounded by, but first you must make yourself strong enough to bring her back and not feel any fear or grief becuause that will only delay bringing her out of the darkness."
"I've tried, Renee, I've tried. I just don't know how anymore. I thought I'd pulled myself together after Michael but then with everything that's happened recently," she met Renee's eyes, "I'm so afraid I'll only make things worse and end up hurting you too." She held Renee's gaze a moment longer. "How do I stop being afraid? tell me that."
Almost as if those words were some sort of trigger, a memory-image surfaced in Kamiana's mind at that. A man's face, pale and cold, with red eyes.
"You are a weak being. And a fool." his words echoed in her memory, as much a cold dagger as they had been the first time.
Damn it *no*! her mind protested as she shoved that memory away again. Why did his face haunt her so? What was he trying to do??
Stop it, Kamiana! she told herself firmly. You have to think about Myah now.
But how do I do that? another part of her whispered back. How can I when she knows I'm the one who caused this?
She shook her head to quiet the internal debate, for now, anyway. "Renee, please," she took a deep breath. "please help me?"
She felt sick even as the words left her mouth. She hadn't the right to ask anyone for help, least of all someone she had just recently met.
"First, Kami breathe deeply and try to still your beating heart, I can hear it across this table. Remember you are not responsible for the fate of the world, it just seems that way."
"All this loss and grief at once is very hard to handle but I am here and you can do nothing to me that I do not do to myself, you are not jinxed."
Renee laughs at that comment and her laughter is as a sparkle in the air and a calming breeze over water, it is so gentle and soothing that Kami has to respond. Renee knows that she is only human but she knows that her laughter and soft voice can calm even the worst beast on the farm back home so why not a troubled soul.
Kamiana found herself starting to relax somewhat. Though the pain was still there something about Renee's words and voice seemed to ease it.
At that moment the door to 8 Forward slid open and someone else walked in, it was the Pakled woman Liss.
Liss had just finished her shift and dropped by for a drink...cleaning corridors and floors did tend to make one thirsty. Then she saw the two women sitting at a table. One she didn't know, but the other-- the other was the one who had hurt her. No, it wasn't, she remembered now, but it was so hard to keep straight...she just hoped they didn't notice her. Quickly before the woman at the table could see her, she turned and left the lounge.
Kamiana's face fell at that. "Do you see that--even she's afraid of me. Remember when we were coming back from the shuttle bay?" she sighed.
"Yes, is that the same cleaing woman that ran away then? You do seem to frighten her."
A sigh. "Another legacy of my kidnapping." Kamiana replied bitterly. "It seems that when my double knew she'd been uncovered, she tried to escape back to her Defiant by using *her*," she waved at the now closed door by way of indicating Liss, "as a hostage. Mak and Lebin got her away from that other me but--" she shook her head. "They've tried to explain what happened several times since but she doesn't really understand. She just sees my face and knows it's someone who hurt her."
She met Renee's eyes. "Do you know what that's like every time I pass her in the corridor...or run into her in here, to feel how afraid she is and know I'm in a way the reason for that too? Oh, and let's not forget about the other night right here in this very room. Paulos' imzadi Emil. I ran into him, I didn't know that was who he was. One thing led to another and I sort of lost it, let him see my memories of that other Paulos." she shook her head. "That's what I mean it just keeps happening and I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to hurt anybody..!"
"Kami!!! You have to get ahold of yourself and take control of your own destiny. Yes, these people were hurt and yes things happened with the other universe, but this is here and now and start from this moment and change the past and make the future better and brighter and make these same people forget the past by the good deeds you do today and tomorrow and from now on."
"Kami, finish your drink and lets go get T-pril and lets go get Myah out of this comma and nightmare she is encased in and from this moment on get on with your life for the better."
Kamiana didn't know what else to say. She was just so tired of hurting not only seeing others hurt but the pain it was causing her. She had to make it up to them all somehow. She had to help Myah. To do that she had to go along with what Renee said. Maybe it would help. She just didn't know if anything would. Myah had to come first right now though.
She finished her juice and picking up a chocolate bar to munch on the way, followed Renee out of 8 Forward and back through the corridors to Sickbay.
Laine was surprised to see them back so soon, she knew Kamiana couldn't have had any time to sleep..."Kamiana..."
"The sooner we do this the better it'll be for Myah." Kamiana replied, hoping she sounded better than she felt.
Laine nodded. She had to agree with that.
Meanwhile...
Myah felt the delicate link go and struggled to recapture the only bit of light she had seen in the void she was occupying. Then slowly she calmed herself the best she could and reached out...
There were presences..many of them.. a few links...one fresh, but inexperienced, the other familiar..the one that had just given her the light! And a raw and ragged one. Still strong, though. The familiar one felt tired; no wonder the link had snapped and she had been covered in darkness. A few others, but they didn't feel like they had been used, if ever. The raw one...she might be able to use that one. Anything to get some light in the dreary place and regain something of her self. The fresher one was just too tenuous, but there was something familiar in the raw ragged one.
She reached out gently, touched and gained a small foothold.
Kami jerked and stared at Myah's prone figure on the table. "Myah?" Her red rimmed eyes widened and she gasped.
:Kamiana....that is your name. I remember..I think.: A vauge sensation of a furrowed brow and a slowly growing hysteria, quickly swallowed by a struggle for calm. The mental voice was choppy, not well controlled, but calm. :Where am I?:
All eyes turned to Kamiana. Her eyes were glazed, as if she were listening to someone. T'pril touched her lightly on the shoulder. Kami spoke softly. "She is speaking to me...she's alive.."
:Of course I am alive...or am I? Am I in human Hell? It's all blank..a little light now. There are people around? Why can't I move?:
Kamiana held her head between her hands. She looked up at Rael and bit her lower lip. "She is asking questions. She says she can't move and she thinks she is in human Hell. She says it's very dark and she knows people are around. " Her eyes turned inward once more. "She says it's scary and she doesn't like it and.."
:Damn holodecks:
Kami jerked. That sounded like the old Myah and she had ruined her! She couldn't move and it was her fault! Her lip trembled and she recieved a rush of disorientation as Myah probed her memories of the events.
Laine looked at T'pril, then Myah, then Kamiana. T'pril spoke softly. "Myah has Betazoid and Vulcan mental abilities, it seems. Interesting."
Laine looked at Kamiana and saw her lip tremble and her form waiver. She moved quickly to catch her. Kamiana shook her head. "It's all right."
Myah felt around in the tormented mind, anything to try to see and feel again. She found the guilt and remorse.
:Kamiana? Stop mourning! Not all this is your fault. You are a star fleet officer!: Myah wondered where that came from. : Remember yourself, for heaven's sake! This isn't right. I am not your responsibility, it is selfish of you to think so. :
Her thoughts wavered for a second and she read something else. :Tagana will not have my katra! I remember what happened before. No thank you.: From then, Myah rambled, occaisonally going to a pure Vulcan persona to a neurotic Betazoid.
Kamiana sat down abruptly, shocked about Myah's stern rebuke.
A short while later..
Kamiana sat by Myah's bedside, holding her hand. Though Rael had said she couldn't feel the physical contact, it seemed the thing to do. With Myah's telepathic abilities, she knew she was there and that was what counted.
:Myah: Kami's mindvoice whispered. :we're going to find some way to bring you back. Laine is working on it: She tried to stay focused on that, not wanting to upset Myah any more. Also it was to avoid thinking about all the other things that hurt so much. She would *not* think about those now, she was here to help Myah! she told herself sternly.
Renee stood there and watched lending moral support to the medical staff and her friend Kami as she tried to reach Myah and bring her back from the dark place she was imprisoned in.
Poor Kami thought she was jinxed and all it was, was being in the wrong place at the wrong time and it affecting someone you knew.
Cmdr Jen walked into sickbay to check on Myah....she hated to see anyone suffering here on the Defiant..even though she couldn't do anything to help her she wanted to check on her still the same.
As she walked thru the door she saw Kami sitting there next to Myah. She felt sorry forKami too...she knew that Kami took the blame and felt responsible for what had happened to Myah. I don't know what I can do to help though Jen thought as she walked over to the bed where Myah was. She stood over Myah and said a prayer in her head to whatever gods or goddess that Myah believed in to help her get through this. As she turned to look over at Kami, she also said a prayer for her as well.
"Kamiana?" came the voice.
Kami almost jumped when she heard the voice, and realized who it was. Oh damn it she must have heard about what happened in the shuttle bay, was the first thing through Kami's mind. That was quickly followed by another memory she'd tried to forget:
(Jen racing into the transporter room, Rachel and two other guards behind her, Jen leaping to pull Kamiana away from the transporter console and the only thing Kami could think to do was shove Jen away from her, the changeling went flying into Lebin's arms just as the beam kicked in)
Kamiana blushed with embarrassment, she'd never been able to bring herself to face Jen after that incident...and that had been trying to save Myah, too, she recalled. "Commander," she broke off, not knowing what else to say and fully expecting the next words out of Jen's mouth would be an order to come to the brig. In fact she was surprised that Jen had come alone and not with at least two guards, the better to escort her there.
"I know Myah will get better" Jen said..."I'm sure she doesnt blame you for what has happened either. Stop blaming yourself for things that have happened and that you have no control over. Everything will be all right. It's important that you take care of yourself and get things under control...I know Myah would want you to be ok as well."
This wasn't what she'd expected to hear from the Chief of Security at all, Kamiana could only look at Jen in surprise. "Commander?" she finally managed.
Jen remembered a few things herself. The last time she'd been in the same room with Kamiana, and what had happened then. Seeing the way Kamiana was looking at her it wasn't hard to figure she was remembering that, too.
Jen looked at Kamiana " I know why you did what you did in the transporter room..I am not here to reprimand you for that. I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry to hear about Myah and I can overlook what you did to me in the transporter room..this time though" and smiled.
Kamiana tried to reply but could only look at the Changeling.
That was when the Klingon/Ferengi lost patience.
Tagana stood, her arms crossed over her chest, her voice rumbling with exasperation. "It has been my experience that when a thing doesn't move when you want it to move, you give it....a good yank."
Kamiana's eyes narrowed slightly in puzzlement as she looked at Tagana. "A good yank?" she repeated, then turning back towards Myah gave the hand she still held on to an experimental tug, somewhat uncertainly as she didn't want to injure Myah again. :Did you feel that?: she sent.
Tagana growled and shook her head. "Not like that." She advanced over to Myah's inert form and before Rael could stop her, gave Myah two sharp slaps. Rael quickly pushed her back. "What the hell are you doing, ensign?"
:I am going to kill that Klingon...:
Laine glanced over at Myah and Kamiana. "Was that Myah?"
Tagana stood, her back straight. "I did not say pull her hand. When I said 'yank' I was speaking of giving a sort of 'shock treatment'."
Kami looked at Myah, her eyes wide. The sense of anger and frustration nearly overwhelmed her. She had never heard her friend use such words before or to such an extent. She turned her head to look at Tagana. "Um, she uh,doesn't appreciate what you did."
Tagana snorted, then paused to look at Myah. "So...she felt it:
:Damn right I don't appreciate it! That little..: Kami cut her off before she could continue on her tirade. She bit her lower lip. :You felt her slap you?:
Myah seemed to pause. : I suppose I did.: Confusion and then excitement. :Tell her to do it again!! :
:WHAT?:
Rael saw Kami's eyes go wide again. "Well?"
"She felt it! But...uh..I think she might actually be insane."
Tagana frowned and Rael's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"
"She wants Tagana to hit her again."
Tagana's eyes widened and before she could move toward Myah, Rael grabbed her arm. "I don't think that's a good idea."
:DAMN IT! Do it! I actually felt something! ARGH! Doctors!: She tuned in on Kami. She sent out a soft tendril of thought. Suddenly, Kami felt an urge to hit Myah...very hard.
"May I make a suggestion?"
All eyes turned to T'pril, who had been quietly surveying the situation.
"Of course," Kamiana told her.
"It appears," the vulcan began, "that Myah has overcome the most difficult part of her struggle; she is now aware of her surroundings and her situation. And since it appears that her ailment is primarily mental, the cure is somewhere within her." She paused, and then added, "meaning that we simply have to find it."
"So what are you suggesting?" Paulos asked.
"We could attempt another mind meld, though I don't believe that it is necessary. I think that Myah has a firm grasp on her own thoughts now; perhaps she can find the answer for herself. With perhaps a little help from Kamiana. They do, after all, have means of communication."
Kamiana nodded. "I'll do whatever I have to, of course." she said firmly.
"The sooner the better," Rael stated.
Kamiana nodded again and turned to face Myah. :Myah?: she sent.
:Will you get me OUT of here!:: came the thought in response. The urge to hit Myah came again and this time Kami found herself unable to resist. Her hand drew back and she struck her across the cheek. Once, twice, three times...and as she was drawing her hand back for another blow, Myah's eyes flickered open, her hand came up and grabbed Kamiana's wrist.
"I...think...that's...enough." Myah said slowly, with difficulty but it was normal speech. Which in itself was a good sign.
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