PART FOUR
I smiled faintly, located the nearest soft chair in AJ's hotel suite and settled myself into it. It had been a long morning of meet and greet, an even longer afternoon of signing contracts, ironing out logistics, and now all I wanted to do was go back to my hotel room, take a hot shower and maybe watch a little TV. No such luck. AJ had been hyper throughout the whole day, laughing, joking, having a good time and it looked like he planned on continuing through out the night, but not until one last group meeting. I was bluntly informed that I would not be allowed to beg off and, as I watched Nick reluctantly enter the room, realized neither was he. Our eyes met for a fleeting moment before Nick turned brusquely away. Outwardly I hoped that I looked indifferent but inside was another matter. A freefall feeling of despair overwhelmed me, each breath I took seemed to ache with a numbing coldness in my chest.
Matthew, a small shadow next to Nick, saw me and released his grip from Nick's hand, running over to fling himself into my chair. I relaxed a little and laughed as he wiggled around, trying to find a comfortable position between me and the armrest. He looked up, his eyes bright. Shoving a well-licked lollipop almost up my nose, Matthew grinned, his mouth and tongue stained cherry red. "Hi, Uncle Brian! Want some?”
"Matthew! Brian is not your uncle."
I watched as Matthew sucked hard on his candy, his little brow furrowed in thought. With a loud slurp he pull the quarter-sized pop out of his mouth and looked at Nick.
"But you said. . . "
"Matt, come over here and sit with me. Now."
I flinched inwardly at the harshness in Nick’s voice, my mouth tightening into a thin line. Damn, what was Nick's problem? The moment Matt showed even the slightest interest in me, Nick was all over him. Sure, Nick might not want to be near me, but why did he have to take it out on Matt? I wanted to tell Nick to lighten up, to stop being such an asshole. He was acting like I was ready to kidnap his son. I bit back my retort, seeing the cool look Nick was giving me, but vowed to talk to him later about it. If we were to go on tour, I sure didn’t want to have the same confrontation with Nick every time Matthew was near. I watched as Matthew reluctantly crawled out of our seat and climbed into Nick's awaiting arms.
I looked at AJ, who was at the mini-bar, fixing some drinks. "Okay, AJ, what's so important that it couldn't wait until tomorrow?" AJ gave me a wait-just-a-moment look as he finished up the final touches to his concoctions. Impatient to get everything over with I sighed heavily and turned to see Nick rubbing Matthew’s back in a soothing, circular motion. Lulled by the comforting movement, Matthew had relaxed against Nick's shoulder, eyes closed, his tiny hand still clutching his candy. It took all my willpower not to be mesmerized by the peaceful, rhythmic caress and for the briefest of moments, I felt a wild stab of jealousy go through me as I wished I could trade places with Matt.
I noticed Howie entering the room, Kevin straggling in last and I was relieved for the diversion, focusing my attention on them instead.
AJ handed them each a drink. "Gee, Kevin, you were always the first for a meeting. Now you're last. Must be your advanced age."
"Must be," admitted Kevin dryly, refusing to be baited by AJ's teasing. I watched as my cousin raised one eyebrow, amused by the soft snore coming from Matt. "Well, the kid's out cold. Jeez, Nick, he sure is a handful. How do you manage it?"
Even sitting this far away, I could sense Nick's tension as he looked at Kevin suspiciously. “And what do mean by that?"
AJ coughed. "Well, that's why I called this meeting. To talk about Matthew."
Nick and I sat up a little straighter.
"Talk?" The distrust was clearly evident in Nick's voice.
"Well, ah,. . . ” AJ scratched at his jaw, frowning.
“Just spit it out, Bone.”
AJ shrugged and hitched a hip onto the edge of a couch. “Okay, here it is, Nick. Don’t take this the wrong way, but we're not sure if it's right to drag a kid along on tour. The late nights, the crazy schedules. You know what it’s like Nick; you've seen the madness. Do you honestly think that it would be a good environment for Matt?"
I watched AJ and Howie in disbelief. So did Nick.
"We've all discussed this beforehand…" AJ faltered as Nick turned to glare at me.
I raised my hands up in defense. "This is new to me, Nick! I never, I would never. . . "
"Yeah, right!" The bitterness, the betrayal in his eyes was like acid. My gut clenched as I got up out of my seat and came over to him.
“Nick. Nobody has the right to tell you how to rear your child.” I glared back at the guys. “Nobody.”
“Really? Glad you think so.”
I tried not to cringe at Nick’s sarcasm, at his obvious scorn on the emphasis of “you.” For a moment I shifted uncomfortably, upset that he was directing his anger only at me.
I continued. “Matthew is your son. You are his father. No one is going to make decisions regarding his upbringing except you.”
“Well, hell, that’s mighty generous of you, Brian. Thanks.”
I gaped openly at Nick, stunned by his attack.
AJ gave Howie a look and I could have sworn it was a signal, a prearranged hint for him to take over. Howie walked over, crouching down to view Matthew, who was taking full advantage of the thumb in his mouth. With a slight smile, Howie straightened up, and I noticed his face become serious as he looked squarely at Nick.
“Nick, Brian’s right. We don’t have the right to tell you how to raise your child. But don’t you think it would be better to leave Matthew home, with a nanny, while you. . .”
“NO!”
Startled, Nick looked at me, eyes narrowing, and I flushed with embarrassment as I realized I had shouted out my disapproval.
“Brian, if I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it.”
I knew I had overstepped my boundary, and wanted to apologize, hearing the anger vibrate in Nick’s voice. But there was something else I heard. A scared, defensive, feral tone that made me recoil from his blunt hostility when he looked straight at me and said, “Go get your own kid.”
I swallowed against the tightness in my throat and closed my eyes, pushing away the unpleasant memory of a devastating truth I had discovered long ago.
I heard Kevin shift around, uneasy. "Nick, we all know how Janie dumped Matthew on you. . . " he began only to have Nick angrily interrupt him.
"She didn't dump Matt on me, Kevin! I asked for him. She gave me full custody." With a quick glance at his sleeping son, Nick lowered his voice. "Janie never wanted him in the first place. Or me."
I opened my eyes and stiffened noticeably when I saw Nick staring straight at me, a slight sneer on his face.
"But at least I never married the bitch."
I knew my face reddened, but I didn't care. I may love Nick with a passion, but I could hate him with a passion too. "And exactly what is that suppose to mean?" I whispered harshly. I paused for only a second to see if Matt was still asleep before returning my glare at Nick.
Nick turned away. "I'm sure you can figure it out," he muttered snidely.
I was furious. He had no right to bring up this up in front of everyone. "Fuck you," I hissed.
"Sorry, we already did that, remember? No more freebies."
I froze, stung by his viciousness and turned to see the various looks of shocked and embarrassment on the guys' faces. Kevin coughed and lowered his gaze. I felt ill, not wanting to believe what I saw. But I had seen it. And I knew. That they knew. Somehow, someway they had known for quite a while about Nick and me.
I opened my mouth to say something. No words came. I could feel my breathing becoming too rapid and I rasped with the effort not to hyperventilate. After all the years of heartache, doubt, and disappointment, I thought I could finally handle anything. Obviously not. So much for my comfortable delusion. So they knew. It was out. The sharp drop of finality hit home. My thoughts scattered into a thousand directions and I wished I could slide back into the gentle, blinding numbness I had cocooned myself in for so long. I was afraid, afraid to face the rejection, the disapproval of the only true friends I ever had. I sighed. I felt trapped between regret, disbelief, and strangely enough, relief. I faced all four, accepting the hard truth. I fumbled to find the right words as I stared at Kevin, Howie, and AJ.
“I don’t regret a thing,” I said defiantly, suddenly not caring what they thought. And I didn’t. I had never been so aware of it as I was now. There was no place left to hide and I felt like I had been reborn, with all those feelings I hadn’t wanted to examine for years bubbling forth. Something inside me was beginning to build and I recognized it as hope, redemption, one last chance to remember the past and to begin anew.
I looked straight at Nick, my eyes asking for forgiveness. "And I regret everything.” My anger faded as it was replaced by a warmth I knew only as a feeling of intense longing, a craving to expose my true feelings. I took a deep breath, knowing it was now or never. “I love you Nick. I’ve loved you for so long, I don’t even know when it began. I know I don’t have the right to ask, but I need you,” I admitted, my voice lowering to almost a whisper. “I hurt. . . I need. . . I want you.” Scared that I would break down before I finished, I continued on. ‘Nick. . . Nick, even back then, I couldn’t have loved you more than I do right now.”
I found myself trembling from the quiet silence that hung heavy around us. Trying to keep my voice from cracking I locked eyes with Nick, trying to gather strength as I made my final plea. “Nick. . . please. . . say something, anything.”
*************
I looked at Brian, abandoning the rubbing of my son’s back. Brian’s confession had made me feel raw, turned upside down. I felt an odd silence grow, a silence that no longer protected any secrets between us. But whatever revelation, whatever confession admitted now seemed too little, too late. As much as I desired it, time would not turn back for me, nor Brian. Years had passed. Memories, emotions had faltered, only to flare to life and then be cruelly dashed again.
Looking up, I saw Brian watching me, his eyes hard and bright, the desire, the longing clear in them. I felt a nervous flutter in my stomach, every nerve in my being trapped, craving for his love and trust. Trust. Someone I could trust. Could I trust Brian? The rational part of my brain said no, the emotional part of my heart said yes. And in between those constantly changing feelings, I realized there was too much to lose again: my pride, my hope, my trust. Could I go through all that one more time? Did I want to? I glanced down, protectively hugging Matthew to my chest and without a word arose. Before leaving the room I turned, giving Brian a sad smile. I didn't have to say something, didn't have to say anything.
He knew I just said no.