THROWING ONE FOR AMERICA
Did you watch the AFC Championship Game? You may have noticed an interesting little bit commentators missed in the third quarter, when Pittsburgh seemed to have turned the tide of the game. A State Dept. representative, running onto the field, dismissed the referee, and announced, "Holding, number fifty-three on the offense, obstruction of patriotism, ten yards, three weeks in Camp X-Ray. First Down."

A spectator, asked after the game whether they noticed, just smiled and said "I desire the American people," and kissed the camera lens, leaving an ugly wet stain in the shape of noted bad guy John Walker Lindh.

Commissioner Paul Tagilabue, responding to allegations that the whole playoffs have been fixed in favor of the Patriots, said "Function three. No sacrifice too great. Ready?"

Half-time celebrity Mariah Carey, asked to comment, didn't, offering only an embarrassed giggle after vomiting up an entire American flag.

RESISTANCE IS TASTELESS
John Madden, half of football's most famous broadcasting team, said "The Patriots are going to win this game. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say any attempt by the Rams to stop them would be a capital crime of treason."

Madden: Nothing less than total, crushing victory at any cost.

"I expect to see Kurt Warner publicly tortured both during and after the game."

Straight man Pat Summerall was urged to keep talking as he stopped to spit pieces of his own teeth. "I played this game a long time," the sidekick began telling an unforgiving reality-TV show. Sweating profusely, he pulled out a fistful of his own hair and elected to retire.

FIFTH DOWN

Soon even your state will appear red, white, and blue from space.

Outside Gate D, President Kan— er, Bush remained pickly fresh after his daily glass of vinegar, and assured us that we will never fail. Asked who was winning, the heir paused to stretch his lips, proclaimed "yes, I have some in my pocket." and trotted off.

"We tricked him," reporters confessed later. "In this game, the referee always wins."

THE CLOTHES MAKE THE AMERICAN
In New Orleans, delighted occupants of the Superdome were surely feeling super during the Super Bowl. Superman was on hand to greet arriving fans, but security officials admitted he wouldn't be allowed in until he removed "that damned disgusting yellow" from his otherwise patriotic uniform.

That afternoon, state officials held the hero for several hours, trying to bill him for the downtown stadium's naming rights, during which time he confessed to loving "a good joke at the human race's expense" every now and then.

SUSPECT-EATING INSECT?
Scientists in nearby Alabama reported the cloning of what they termed the "Super Boll Weevil," an insect which not only feeds on the boll, or fiber-containing part of the cotton plant, but excretes a fully-woven American flag, available in three distinct sizes.

Secreting digestive enzymes through pores in the mouthparts — for America.

Spokesmen called the development a "touchdown for the national textile industry," adding that "sticking it to the Mexicans is the extra point." One scientist vowed to "eat any goddamned flag you want" to show how much fun patriotism really can be.

The NFL reminds you to drink Bud Light responsibly while watching football. Either you're with us, or you're with the terrorists.

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