Shortly after her father and I met up again after not seeing each other for 6 years I found out I was pregnant! I had mixed feelings since when we were together before I  had a miscarriage. The first person I told was my best friend. It wasn't until I had told Katie's father that the reality began to sink in. My family had mixed feelings but all seemed happy eventually.

Roger and I waited until after the first trimester to really let ourselves relax and enjoy this pregnancy. Because I was over 35 I underwent any and all tests that there are. I didn't want to know what we were having but he did! I knew that if he knew he would never be able to keep it a secret. So after much thought and wavering when I had my amnio we decided to find out. Once again other than Roger my best friend was the first to find out what we were having. We had names picked out but now that we knew it was a girl made her seem like a person and not just "the baby". Katie's full name is Katherine Elizabeth but I always liked the name Katie so that's why we opted to call her Katie. My best friend, who was going to be Katie's Godmother called her Katie Liz!

I had a few problems with my blood pressure but with watching my diet that was controlled easily. Then I started to have hormonal problems. For a while the Dr. was able to keep things in control. He told me not to worry, that everything was going fine. Katie had a great heartbeat and was growing properly and there was nothing to worry about.

We allowed ourselves to keep on preparing for Katie's arrival. My sister had ordered the nursery furniture, my best friend had bought her first doll, (which I still sleep with every night) and we had begun to buy clothes and toys to put away for her.

Then all of a sudden things started to change! I started to spot, I called my doctor but he told me that at this point in a pregnancy it was normal as long as I had no other signs. Well, there were no other signs and the spotting only lasted a few hours. So, life went on. This happened three times over a three week time period. Then I went two weeks with no spotting and I felt that I could relax again. All my check ups were going great (I was going every other week because of my hormones). Christmas was quickly approaching and I felt like a kid again, it was always my favorite holiday, but this now had a new meaning, it was going to be my last Christmas as just "me" because next year I was going to be Katie's Mom". I had gone out and bought her coming home outfit and a few toys that I was going to put under the tree for her. Then in a blink of an eye everything changed.

I started to spot again, this time my doctor was out of town so I saw the covering doctor. He again told me to rest and not to worry unless other symptoms started to occur. After two full days in bed and with no more spotting I went back to work (my decision). Everything was fine, no more spotting! Then Tuesday arrived...

I had, had a slight backache but had been told by many that at this stage of pregnancy it was normal so I didn't worry. After lunch that day I had stomach cramps but I thought it was lunch. By the time I got home from work I was bleeding heavily. I called Roger and told him he had to come and take me to the doctor, then I called work (and talked to my best friend, with whom I worked with at the time) and told them I would be out the next day but hoped to be back by Thursday. Roger arrived quickly and we went to the doctor. We got there in under 20 minutes from the time I called him. By the time we got there Katie was gone but we still didn't know this.

They did an ultrasound, and after not finding a heartbeat or any sign of life the tech called the doctor into the room (we did not know what was going on yet, the tech didn't tell us anything). The doctor told us to come into his office so we could talk. At that point I knew my worst fears had come true. We were told that she was gone and that I had two choices. Since I had apparently gone into labor (without realizing it) and was already 6 cm dilated when I got there I could either go home and let the labor progress on it's own (which could take days I was told) or I could stay and have an IV to speed things along. I opted for the IV.

We were in such a state of shock, because up until a few hours prior to this point we had no idea that she wouldn't be born healthy and alive. Everyday Katie would flip, flop and wake me up at 4:30 am to go to the bathroom. That morning her Dad was able to feel her kick for the first and last time! We think that she was saying good-bye to us. The hardest part of all of this was watching her father sign the DNR order that the hospital required.

My angel came and went at 10:34 PM Tuesday, December 14, 1999.

We buried her on Saturday, December 18, 1999, in a special gown her grandfather had bought, a gold cross, special blanket, a few toys and her "2000 Baby" socks her "aunt", my best friend had given her. We were able to christen her before the service and we held her both at the hospital and the funeral home (I even got to dress her) and we have pictures from both the hospital and funeral home that I keep next to my bed so that she is always next to me!

I know that Katie is with my dad and my grandparents (with whom she is buried) and I know that she is being cared for and loved up in heaven. But I still find myself wishing that she could be here but, I also know that for whatever reason she is needed up in heaven instead of here on earth and someday we will all be reunited.