The online Ministry of Hubert the
invisible Beaver
Welcome.
My name is The Reverend Martin J Burn. I am the minister of
the Online Ministry of Hubert the Invisible Beaver. You have
alighted upon the web page of one of the few Atheist
religions on this planet. Welcome to our church. As for
myself, I do not believe in the existence of any
gods whatsoever, including
Hubert the Invisible Beaver. But don't let that constrain you.
Please feel free to believe in, worship, pray to, embrace and
obey Hubert, or any other large amphibious rodent deity of
your desire.
Hubert
the Invisible Beaver God
Our
church is quite free and easy. But we do draw the line when
it comes to the practices of many other religions. We don't
allow:
On the
other hand, and this is the good bit, we do allow anything
that does not hurt, discriminate against, kill or maim -
provided it is legally within the bounds of current law. Our
church does not disagree with:
Sexual
congress and ribald rumpy-pumpy.
Freedom
of thought.
Masturbation.
Homosexuality.
The
drinking of alcohol.
Freedom
of belief and worship.
Freedom
of travel.
Rock
music.
Having
a good time.
Earning
lots of money.
Laughing
out loud in our church.
It
goes without saying that in exercising our rights in The
Online Church it would be appreciated if solitude and/or
privacy be the watchword when carrying out some of our
freedoms (see above). Let the divine discretion of Hubert the
Holy be your guide, if you believe in him, and common sense
if you don't. Amen.
Free ONLINE
ABSOLUTIOn
It's a miracle of the
computer age!
Have you been naughty of
late? Are you a woman who has coveted her
neighbour's wife's ass? Did your mind harbour
wicked thoughts?
Well,
at The Ministry we don't care a monkey's chuff.
But if you want to be rid of any sins you think
you may have committed, then we have the answer.
Here at the Online Ministry we would be more than
happy to absolve you of all your sins. It's easy.
It's clean. And it's quick. No confession is
needed, it is all done by the power of modern
technology and a giant purple beaver - if you
believe in him. Just click on the 'Forgive me'
button below and all 
your sins will
be forgiven. Do not be worried by the feeling of
relief and loss of inner tension, it is only
natural. You may get mild, blurred vision for a
second or two, this will pass. Having pressed the
'Holy Button of Forgiveness' all your sins will
be mysteriously wafted away from your soul and
sent automatically, via the Internet, to an
unused e-mail account on 'Satan's Server of Unix'
hidden away on a small, remote, uninhabited
Polynesian Island. Try it, you will like it.
Press
the button to be forgiven!
Now that you
are free of all sin, Hubert the 500ft high Beaver God
personally invites you to rock the night away with him. Just
click on His Holiness' likeness below to be wafted away on a
rock-tastic, head-banging, glory-filled, extra-spirtual
journey of inter-galactic dimensions.
The Holy Button
of Baptism.
Virtual Incense.
Electronic
Confirmation.
Network
Bellringing.
Comfy pews (a
screen resolution of 1024 X 768 or better will be required).
The One
Commandment.
The Sermon on
the Mount on Ice avi video file.
Tonsures 'R' Us.
The
Computerised Collection Plate.
The Worlds
Shortest Sermon wav file.
Scientifically
verifiable, repeatable, multi-witness miracles.
Midi hymn files.
Hubert's
finest Beaver shot