Sacrifices

By Melpomene

 

Tenth Chapter

Woman: Past and Present

YEP. THERE HE goes again. He's reading the diary of a queen, probably long dead. What is he thinking? That's prying someone else's private life! Then again, he is the Prince of Reikai.

March 27th

Today is my cousin's birthday. You didn't know that, did you? Of course not. I haven't written for a while now.

See, I've been staying with my cousins Nikola and Nereen. One of my suitcases has been delayed in arrival. Luckily, it came early this morning, before Nikola's party. My gala attires are there and also this diary.

Honestly, I've been waiting for my diary earnestly since yesterday. I wanted to have somewhere to organize my thoughts. I'm very much confused and out of sorts, I'm afraid. I guess Nikola's and Nereen's talks have their corresponding effects.

Don't get me wrong. I love those two madcap girls. We've been chums since time immemorial. Of course, just because they're sisters doesn't mean they think the same way. Nikola is the sort who goes with the flow. Nereen is the wild one. She loves to break out of the mold and tries to establish new things. I guess it's on account of this they confuse me.

Remember I told you the people don't know about my husband and Catalina Yoshio-

Yoshio? She must be Masago's ancestor or something.

-husband and Catalina Yoshio? Well the "people" meant the ordinary folks. Among the nobility, at least in varying degrees, it's a known fact. And of course, the Chenille sisters know about it.

Nikola and Nereen are two of my best chums. We grew up together. We know each other like one knows the back of one's hand. We tell each other everything. They're both married, too, living in different estates. In fact, I only call them the Chenille sisters for old times sake. Now, Nereen and Nikola are both members of respected clans of our class.

As I said, each of them has their own opinion concerning my problem. Nikola said my marriage was normal enough and that I was lucky. Nereen said it was destroying me.

Right now, I'm more inclined to agree with Nikola's thinking. In this world, men are gods and women are the servants. What more of me, the wife of the king? I am a mere property of my lord. I have no right to contest his will or actions. Besides, it is not uncommon for a man to have concubines. There was even a time when it was legal.

Nereen grew angry when I said this. She said I was being treated like scum by that animal (yes, she has that much spunk to call His Majesty that. I must admit I grimaced then). She said I should speak out and fight for my right.

At this moment, I simply don't know.

Maybe I should ponder over this some other time. I really must go. See, I just stole some time to write here. The party is still going on and I'm being called downstairs.

No, my husband's not here. He's back at the palace, working his head off. Work? Pooh! If I know, he's probably lounging in the arms of Catalina.

Hmmm… There I go again thinking like Nereen. I should leave it alone for now. Then, I'll pry it open again and next time think over it well.

April 3

Today, I had been invited for tea at the Castle Styx. That's right, the Yoshio mansion. Mr. Yoshio has always been a loyal subject and is a close friend of His Highness.

It was a difficult day. Until now, my jaw aches as I forced myself to keep the eternal smile on my face. Of course, I had to act pleasant. I am the queen after all.

I am not really a nasty person by nature. However, sitting across the mistress of your spouse and being nice is quite a challenge. By the time the Yoshios saw us to the door, my chin was already quivering from the strain.

You must be wondering why my husband took me along. I mean, anything could have happened. I could have shouted, "Hey, Mr. Yoshio! Your wife and my husband are having an affair but there's nothing we can do because he's the king." But then, he knew I wouldn't do it. I couldn't.

Maybe you're thinking I hate this woman, that I despise her. No. Sometimes I feel bitter. Sometimes I even have unkind thoughts about her but I suppose it's just because of my offended pride. I mean, even if I don't have feelings for the king, I still have a right to feel possessive, right? I don't know. Nevertheless, I'm sure it's not hatred. Whenever I think some comment about them, it's just whistling in the dark.

I think it's my husband's fault. He had to let it get to this stage. He had to be forced to marry me. If only he had fought for his love, this wouldn't have happened.

Besides, maybe Catalina is choiceless. I mean, if the ruler of all Reikai wants you, perhaps you can do nothing against him. I know how things work in Reikai.

Then again, when I look at her, I know she loves him, too. She's suffering from her marriage like me. I see it in her eyes. She looks at his Highness with such longing… and pain. I almost pity her. But then, I remember the child in my womb.

I cannot afford to give her sympathy.

April 9

Poor Nereen!

I just received a message from her. She's having marital troubles. She accidentally uncovered her husband's extramarital affair with a wench and a big scandal erupted though out the nobility of Reikai.

I guess I'm not the only one having problems. Many people suffer from their fixed marriages. Marrying for love has always been look down on. It is foolish and leads to the downfall of many great clans.

Nereen is in trouble. They blamed her for what happened. They say she has been a bad wife that's why her husband searched for another woman. Because she, a noblewoman, wasn't good enough.

Now, as I ask Providence to keep Nereen safe, I ask myself: am I a bad wife? Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe my efforts for this marriage to work out are too half-hearted. Maybe it's not enough.

But how can that be? I've sacrificed a lot for this to work out; my freedom, my self-esteem, my identity, my chance to find true love and happiness, even myself, are all gone. And it's all for my country, my people, and my family.

Sometimes I think it has all been in vain, that I have lived a tiny life. But then, I'd happen to look upon my burgeoning belly and be comforted.

April 21

Remember that I told you that it is he who should be hated and not Catalina? And yet, I really can't hate him even if I try to with all my heart and soul. He's just too… pitiful.

Until now, I still wonder how we managed to reproduce. He's forever faithful to Catalina, the love of his life. He finally did his job when pressured to produce an heir. But I know it is her he envisioned in the dark. I only did what I was taught. It was the only instance we united as man and wife but once was enough it seems.

It's so heart wrenching, everything that's happening. I never did crave his love at all. I am saddened by the fact, though, that I am only a substitute. I am angry that all of us are in pain. And it's all because we were all too weak to go against the flow of the system.

Perhaps I haven't been a bad wife at all. Perhaps, Kumagai hasn't been a bad husband either to Catalina. He and I are just weak. We are all weak.

Stupid traditions. Stupid customs. Stupid everything. If only I had somehow ordered him to marry Catalina instead of me. If only I had the strength to say no to both my father and the then king of Reikai. If only…

Oh well, regret is a worthless emotion. I must look to the future, the future of the baby.

But I shall never forgot how once the king of Reikai rose from his sleep in the middle of the night, half consciously examined me and then moaned tearfully.

"Catalina, these sins we are committing is haunting me…"

IT WAS EVENING, half-past seven. The young night was filled with numerous lights, flooding the palace with brightness for miles around. The music gave pleasure to every ear, even floating to those who are not lucky enough to be invited, like this peasant walking home from the fields. He cocked his head to one side and listened.

"Ah," he remarked. "There's another party in the Yoshio mansion."

Castle Styx has stood for millennia and had witnessed (and survived) countless parties. This one was really no different from the others. Same families, but different generation of bluebloods; same exotic transportation aimed to give its owner the fanciest entrance, and of course, same smiling faces and sometimes hearts bleeding with some unsaid hurt.

More or less, people have fun at these gatherings, even if it is but for a short while. After all, one of the most irresistible pleasures of a person, human or not, is free food. And tables are overflowing with it baby! Yeah! And there's also the socializing and simply gossiping.

A bored person may simply amuse himself by watching the dance floor. You'd see some pretty interesting things out there. Like, you'll discover that ducks can dance after all. In a manner of speaking.

There is a person, however, who cannot be entertained by anything at all. The worse thing about it is that he's the most distinguished of all the people present in the party. That's why Yoshio Kumagai was practically panicking in his plight. He has to find a way to amuse the guest of honor.

Masago, radiant and gorgeous as usual, was busy chatting with her chums. Kumagai bumped to her accidentally.

"Oh, papa," she said. "I'm sorry."

"Quite alright," mumbled the old man.

Sensing her father's agitation, Masago said, "What is it, papa? Is there anything wrong?"

Kumagai shot her a look and an idea struck. "Oh, yes," he said. "That's right. You're the hostess. Go entertain your fiancé."

Masago looked puzzled for a while. "Oh, the prince. Sure, pa. I'll handle him."

She walked away, ignoring the hooting of her friends.

"Koenma-sama?" she called when she finally found him in the balcony. "Is there something wrong, sir?"

Koenma turned around. "Ah, it's the birthday girl," he said. "Sorry. I'm such a lousy guest."

"No harm done, sir." Masago went to the prince. "Except for my father that it is. He's pretty shaken up."

"Poor Kumagai."

"What's up, anyway?"

"Well, there's this book."

"A book?"

"Actually, a diary."

"You're reading someone's diary?!"

"It's alright, I think. The owner's probably dead anyway."

Masago continued staring at him, shocked. "I can't believe you said that. Then again, you are the prince of Reikai. So what happened? Did your conscience get you?"

"You can put it that way."

"Good. Then you aren't as hopeless as I thought."

"She seems to be a queen from long ago. Her life was pretty pitiful. I guess it is true women had few rights back then."

"Yes. Fairness was actually established a few generations before ours but people does take time to get used to things."

"It's painful to think our mothers could have been mistreated, too."

"Oh, yes. Mama…"

Koenma was compelled to look at Masago upon hearing the melancholic edge in her voice. He was shocked by what he saw.

"Hey, get down from there!" he yelled angrily.

Without him noticing, Masago had hoisted herself up on the marble parapet of the balcony. Her seat is quite thick and there is little chance of her falling off. However, it's still shocking seeing a beautiful woman in a floor length gown in that position.

"Relax," she said. "Nobody would see me. Besides, I do this quite often. Well, when there's no one around to notice me."

"Suit yourself," muttered Koenma. "At least, I don't have to marry you if you're dead."

"Very funny."

"Let's just walk around, if you don’t mind. Give me a tour."

"Fine. It is a nice night to get lost." Masago slipped off her seat.

"What, you prefer to dance? Those shoes look mighty expensive to me." He gestured to the shoes peeping from under her dark green dress.

"You can afford hundreds of shoes to replace these. Still, I wouldn’t want to limp around with sore feet all night, would I, o clumsy one?"

"I'm not that bad a dancer." They began strolling in the winding halls. These passages lead through various areas in that part of the mansion but they’re all continuous with the ballroom.

"Hey Koenma, do you miss your mother?"

"Why the question?"

"You're the one who had me starting to think about her."

"Well, I don’t remember her at all." His voice was cool and a little curt.

"I miss mine very much." Masago's voice was very soft.

Koenma dropped his aloof tone. "I'd probably miss mine, too, if I had known her. Father never talks about her. At least, you have some memory of yours."

"Is that so? How sad."

"What's her maiden name? Both of our families are involved in the diary's account."

"Grey. Catalina Grey Yoshio."

"Sounds familiar. I guess it's because the Greys are an ancient clan like ours."

"Probably. Sometimes, I can't help but think that if she's still alive, she won't force me to marry you."

"Yeah. If mine was here, too, I won't be forced either. And neither will I be overworked." He grinned balefully.

"The more I think about it, the more I realize I shouldn't be marrying you. But I'm reminded of the futility of contention. It is impossible to oppose them."

"I know. That's why I use a happy medium and just joke about it."

"She's not there," Masago suddenly said in exasperation as Koenma peeked behind the twentieth door.

Koenma became defensive. "Don't start again, Masago. There's nothing between us."

"I didn't say anything about Botan. " Masago grinned. "I said my mother's dead so she couldn't possibly be in there. You're blushing."

The prince stuck his tongue out at her. "Double crosser."

"Let's see if you can still say that when you see her," muttered Masago.

"What?"

"Nothing."

By now, they were inside the ballroom again and the hostess found herself dragged beside the buffet table. Koenma was practically inhaling the caviar. Masago gingerly scooped some jellyfish into her plate. But then, her attention was caught by someone at the main entrance, as was everybody's. Excepting, of course, Koenma.

Masago nudged him.

"Momp moha me," he grumbled, stuffing some more of the eggs into his mouth. But he looked up anyway and was astounded by what he saw.

Is that really the deity of death?

Note: 

See how much Amy Tan's Kitchen God's Wife affected me? That's a great novel. 

And this is gonna be embarrassing. Grrr… One of the hardest things in writing is trying to find a name. Sorry if you think the names I use are lousy. I usually just open a book and get a name somewhere. By the way, Masago, Yoshio, Kumagai, Atsumori, and Ieyasu are names I took from my Asian lit book. (Sounds familiar, Seiyo?) I don't know the meanings or stuff like that. Whenever I need a Japanese name, I usually refer to history books and my Asian lit book, which I don't have anymore since I returned it to the school. And Nereen and Nikola are my cousins' names. I couldn't think of anything else so I just changed the spelling. Ho-hum…

 

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